Husband not working and running up debts

[sjdmpc123]

My husband has not worked for approx 4 years now after being made redundant . Prior to that he was in / out of work for years and I have always earned more than him . He has been browsing ebay and buying small items which with postage amount to between £60 -£100 per month He has maxed out his credit card and added the joint current account to paypal so is easy to but stuff at click of a switch . My modest salary of about £1800 per month is pretty stretched and I have told him to take us off paypal but he still hasn't several weeks later . I told him to contact his credit card provider to say he no longer works but he says as a married couple , I am responsible for his debts , which I think is not correct ? This is just the tip of the iceberg in our marriage which has been under strain recently due to him not appearing to care much about our 3 children , does very little by way of housework , doesn't drive and so cannot do any shopping , taxiing kids about etc . I do all that as well as being in full time work .Basically he just watches tv all day .He resents me asking him to find a job and raises his voice saying there is no work but refuses to look ! I would love to leave and take the kids with me . Obviously they would have the choice as they are aged 12 -15 but I strongly suspect they will go with the parent who looks after them best . If I did leave it would mean paying our small mortgage as well as rent for a new home as he would not leave ( already discussed with him ) . I resent living with someone who I feel is taking the piss . Can anyone offer some advice on my legal position or has anyone been through this already ?

[TheWickerWoman]

You are definitely not liable for any debt taken out in his name.

[fusspot66]

I do know from my extensive lurking on mumsnet that the primary carer is the one who actually does the childcare and not the one who sits at the pc scratching himself. HTH

And bump.....

[HauntedNoddyCar]

And you have a joint account because...?

[sjdmpc123]

Thanks for your fast replies ...we have a joint account because as he has no money it was easier to start a joint account to take pressure off me basically and ironically .It meant that he could actually pay for essentials as they arose if I was at work . It meant not getting texts to get milk etc on way home if cash at home ran out .Or just unforeseen expenses like kids needing money for school .It meant he could get off his arse and do things like take kids swimming rather than relying on me like with most other things .It worked ok initially but now he is taking advantage . I realise I will have to go to the bank and start a new account in my name and transfer all,the direct debits too .

[gointothewoods]

I have had similar issues. I moved all DD's to my personal current account. All income comes into my account. I drip feed his account on request e.g. "I need money for petrol, bread and milk etc". So I only put x amount into the joint account as and when he requires it. Sounds like control freakery but honestly if he had the online banking codes and unlimited access, we would be completely broke 1 week after payday.
Move everything to another account. you are not liable for his debts unless you signed some kind of guarantor contract. Legally, I don't know your options but I have certainly considered leaving, renting another house and not paying the mortgage on the house that he refuses to leave. In the assumption that the bank will eventually sell it and kick him out.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

If you open a new account OP, that will take care of paypal. Make sure that that isn't transferred over to the new account.

[tribpot]

Why do you need him to take you off Paypal? Just change the password, job done.

You aren't liable for his credit card debts, and you aren't responsible for him at all.

[sjdmpc123]

Thanks everyone.gointothe woods that is a good idea . He can keep a frugal account I pay small amounts into . And as for leaving and not paying the mortgage I don't want to not pay as the bank will get everything I paid for since it is nearly paid off . But it would certainly be a shock for him to have to pay his own bills , attend job interviews or get no benefits .Don't think he could afford to watch tv !! Will make a start by contacting the bank tomorrow and take it from there .

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

Get down to the bank and get the joint account closed before he runs up an overdraft. Open a new one in your sole name and arrange for your salary to be paid into it. Keep all of the info secret from him, so he can't use that account for his PayPal buying.

If he needs money and you are willing to let him have some (but I can't imagine why you would) then give him a certain amount in cash each week or one of those pre-paid credit-cards.

DO NOT leave the house! If anyone needs to go, it is him!

If the maxed out credit-cards are in his sole name you are not liable for the debts. Only ones in joint-names are, which is why you need to remove access to the joint-bank account. And stay in the house to ensure the mortgage is paid.

[twizzleship]

i'd also tell him to get off his lazy arse and start pulling his weight with the housework and the kids and bringing in income....or he can leave and provide everything for himself. he needs a good kick up the backside and that might do the trick...his reaction will tell you if he's actually committed to this partnership.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

I can't believe a grown adult would sit on their arse for FOUR YEARS without even pretending to look for work.

He needs to be read the Riot Act and told to shape up or ship out. And then you really, REALLY need to do it. Just give him a deadline and then pack his bags and change the damned locks. He's an effing parasite

[sjdmpc123]

Can I change the locks though ? The house is in joint names as he did work at some point .I agree he needs a kick up the arse .I am actually off work for 2 weeks with headaches , abdominal cramps and insomnia . The doc thinks it may be stress . But having been off work has meant I can sit down and look into things whereas usually I am dead beat and just plod along on auto pilot . The fact I am on this forum is actually a positive step in itself . Thanks for everyone's support .

[SolidGoldBrass]

Get some legal advice about making sure his debts don't affect you and about getting him out of the house. He is a parasite and you will be a lot better off without him but, if his name is on the mortgage, you will have to tick the right boxes to get rid.

[Bogeyface]

After you have been to the bank see a solicitor and ask about an occupation order, it will get him out and see that you dont lose a house you have paid for.

[MistressDeeCee]

I dont get why it would be you leaving then paying the mortgage, + rent for a new home. I think you know that scenario isn't going to happen.

He watches tv all day, doesn't work outside the home, does nothing in the home, buys himself stuff and lets you know, you are to be jointly responsible for his debts. He's a leech and in your shoes Id get him out..you don't need to pay to have a man in this life. He doesn't like or respect you and thats why he treats you like this. He also has no shame and that alone would kill any attraction, for me. I can't stand spongers, especially when they're parents. Cocklodger extraordinaire.

Get all the necessary legal advice and do what you must. You must be knackered, with all that you do and he does not. Getting rid of him and his scrounging ways, plus not having to clean up after him..thats the way to a good night's sleep. If he wants to lead a lazy unproductive life, let him do it on his own watch

[sarahquilt]

How has he got away with not getting a job for 4 years? Is he on JSA? I thought they were hot on hassling people to look for work. Just curious.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Ummmm if you leave you need to force a sale on the house! Why would you contemplate paying the mortgage while he lives there? Bloody hell woman, where is your backbone?
Time to kick him out and start divorce proceedings, if he won't leave, start proceedings and he will be forced to eventually.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Sharah he won't be on JSA, as a married couple the longest he could have got it for would have been 6 months and that would have depended on how much national insurance he had paid prior to that. Poor OP is supporting him entirely.

[Fontella]

What a complete and utter waste of space. You say your marriage is under strain. I would have thought that is putting it mildly. Doesn't sound like a marriage at all, it sounds like you are supporting a dead weight - a lazy, good for nothing, selfish, twat, who needs an almighty kick up the arse, preferably in the direction of the door.

You've told us that he doesn't care about his kids, he does next to nothing in the house, despite being in it all day while you are out working, he doesn't drive so cannot do any shopping or taxiing kids about, runs up debts on ebay, bleeds the joint account and then says 'tough - as his wife you are liable for his debts'. When he's not sat on his arse in front of the computer buying stuff on ebay, he's sat on his arse watching telly all day. And to cap it all, if you so much as dare to suggest he looks for a job he starts shouting and bawling at you - the one who is keeping a roof over your heads. So what exactly does he bring to this marriage? Without wishing to sound trite he must be bloody amazing in bed ... or something ... that keeps you supporting this pathetic excuse for a husband?

You shouldn't be going anywhere for starters. Can't believe you were considering moving out and paying the mortgage for him to stay there on his own. He's the one who needs to go and sooner rather than later.

Step one is to sort out the finances so he has no access to any of your hard earned money. Get down the bank and get those accounts changed and don't give him new passwords or give him access to the new account details. Once his supply of ready funds dries up, that might change his tune.

Step two is is to to stop facilitating his laziness. By going out to work, paying everything and tolerating a situation whereby he does nothing, contributes nothing, and feels he has a right to get resentful towards you when you complain or suggest he looks for a job you are allowing this situation to continue. Time to put a stop to it. Give him an ultimatum that he either starts pulling his weight with the kids, the house, and he makes serious efforts to get a job - or else. If he shouts and complains, just walk away and tell him it's not up for discussion. Don't engage with him at all verbally. Just tell him you've had enough, and unless he changes his ways it's bye bye.

If you are past that (and I wouldn't blame you if you were) and want to separate/divorce regardless, then go and get some legal advice and start the ball rolling. It might not seem like it, but you are in a very strong position and anyone listening to your story will tell you that immediately. Quite frankly he doesn't have a leg to stand on - morally, financially, any which way.

I honesty don't know how you have put up with this for so long I really don't.

[Thislife]

Don't leave the house you are paying for! You have to get him to leave and get legal advice about how to do it if he won't. You can start divorce proceedings if you feel ready?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

You can't change the locks but you can stop enabling him to carry on as he has. Do NOT leave. I'd get rid of the tv for starters it's not a life support system.

[comingintomyown]

Fontella has covered everything

You can't change the locks or insist he leaves but I sure as hell wouldn't leave in your shoes

Sort the money side first so he can't shaft you and then get to a solicitor

This two weeks off work is your time to end this marriage

[Jan45]

4 years! Yes he's taking the complete piss out of you, he's sucking you dry whilst he sits on his arse all day and won't even indulge in the housework or child care.

Seriously you need to give him an ultimatum, he either looks for a job and proves he is or he gets to fuck. What a disgrace of a man.

[Jan45]

Fontella, spot on as usual.

[Dolly2shoes]

New on here but often check in for fab advice, Just wanted to say please get legal advice re debts, currently having legal hassle with stbxh who ran up large debt on credit cards/loans etc all in his soul name which I was un aware of and his legal team claim I'm liable for half, as debts of the marriage - he has to show evidence that it was me spending money that made him run up these debts which obviously he can't as I didn't but 7 months in of a legal battle has ended up costing me a small fortune protect yourself please.