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Constant emotional punishment - is this abuse???

(45 Posts)
MuckyGoggs Wed 28-May-14 21:00:01

I'm on the edge. Been living with a man for around a year and a half and almost from the beginning he's been controlling and nasty. He used to need a drink before the real him came out but now it's just whenever he feels like it. He tells me I don't love him, don't respect him, don't like his kids, don't like him spending time with his kids, he makes up scenarios like "you have a problem with my kids coming" and then punishes me for that with silent treatment or disappointed shakes of the head I feel like a small child who is a constant disappointment to her father. If I dare voice any kind of opinion or question anything he says or does he reacts aggressively, won't talk about it but instead starts shouting over me, swearing, not letting me get a word in, starts being nasty and insulting. An example was the other day£20 went missing. I was upset because we 're so short of money right now and mentioned to him that it had been lost. He went mental shouting"so??? If it has it has!! How dare you accuse me!! (I didn't!) I don't want to hear it! I can't be doing with your scatter brain persona " Ooooohhhh I've lost money help!" Fucking hell I can't be doing with it! It's fucking lost, you probably lost it because your fucking careless!! I thought you were more intelligent than this!"

I just wanted to cry, all I was saying was that £20 was missing and could we have a go at finding it. I can't say anything to him. Constant aggressive snapping and silent treatment when I step out of line. I'm almost frightened of him. Sometimes he can be adorable and so sweet and then he turns and he's a totally different man.

pod3030 Wed 28-May-14 21:04:45

Someone very wise once said to me- 'if someone tells you who they are, believe them'. He's telling you who he is- is it worth holding out for those brief 'adorable and sweet' moments?

You are worth so much more than this. Nobody deserves to be treated or spoken to like that. Start thinking about what it would be like without him in your life.

poorfoxyloxy Wed 28-May-14 21:07:28

think you know the answer mucky. xxx best of luck xxx

FunkyBoldRibena Wed 28-May-14 21:09:10

I'd stop living with him to be honest. This is no fun is it?

Fullpleatherjacket Wed 28-May-14 21:09:23

He is vile.

Run. Leave as soon as you can because it's not going to improve and you don't deserve it.

Morgause Wed 28-May-14 21:11:38

Run, run, run.

SweetErmengarde Wed 28-May-14 21:21:25

Fuming on your behalf.

You know he ramped up the aggression because he took the money, don't you?

Even without that particular incident, this IS abuse; please leave this louse!

Have you any RL support you can call on?


DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 28-May-14 21:23:46

If getting away soon is possible just go because he is damaging you already.

Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde isn't just a story there are those who have two sides to them. You are hoping for the old DP who infrequently turns up and is sweet or adorable but I bet the gaps between the nice persona disappearing and eventually returning are getting bigger.

pilates Wed 28-May-14 21:45:37

My first LTB!

IWillIfHeWill Wed 28-May-14 21:49:32

Time to go, sweetie. Just leave. When he's out.

wowfudge Wed 28-May-14 21:53:46

flowers for you. What a horrible situation. You deserve happiness and to respected and loved. Don't stay and live this hell.

alphabook Wed 28-May-14 22:05:30

Yes, this is abuse.

Blueuggboots Wed 28-May-14 22:08:21

Most definitely abuse. Get out and get out NOW.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Wed 28-May-14 22:17:19

You should be frightened of him. He's a nasty piece of work.

If you make plans to go (and I would) don't let him have an inkling of it before you physically leave. This is when the worst of them are at their most dangerous.

blueeyedmonster Wed 28-May-14 22:24:28

He sounds like my ex. Leave, he won't get any nicer.

irrationalme Wed 28-May-14 22:30:44


cantbelievethisishppening Wed 28-May-14 23:16:30

Why in gods name are you still with him? Read back your post. What would you say to someone else of they were in this situation? Leave.

MistressDeeCee Thu 29-May-14 00:06:35

Probably going to get flamed here..but, here goes..

For God's sake just get rid of him and move on. You've been living with him just 18 months. Thats nothing, in a lifetime!! What on earth do you want to saddle yourself with a nasty emotionally abusive controlling idiot for?! Im sorry, you can't need a man that much that you'd put up with this crap. Read your own post back...then get out and regain your life.

He's a prat. Whats he guilt tripping you about his kids for? Where's their mum? She probably rocketed him into orbit, sensible woman - and he can't get over that so you've been roped in to do penance for it.

He's not your DH, doesn't sound as if you have children together, you've lived together just 18 months, and you're taking this crap from a man your own post screams, isn't worth the aggro. Get rid, heal, and get your life back as you it how you want to, and in time you will meet someone nice. Not whilst you're with Mr Eminently Unappealing tho.

Stop wasting your own time.

Aradia Thu 29-May-14 00:37:23

Seriously, this will not get any better. If he treats you like this now what do you think he will be like in a few years?

Run for the hills. You only get one life, there are lovely men out there who would never dream of treating you like crap.

wyrdyBird Thu 29-May-14 00:41:48

I can only agree with MistressDeeCee. You say he has been controlling and nasty almost from the beginning. So he hasn't changed, and he won't improve.

What stops you from ending this relationship?

thornrose Thu 29-May-14 00:48:47

What's good about him/your relationship? What do you get out of it?

Maisie0 Thu 29-May-14 01:37:47

It's verbal abuse basically, and it does not seem like you and him are on the same wavelength too. As it has been only 18 months. I would also suggest that you leave him as well. Because life is too short. Whatever he had to deal with before, and why he is in the current situation, that is his problem, he really is not your problem to deal with. He needs to resolve some issues for himself. You will be in his way and he will take it out on you and displace it. So you should not be his punch bag.

When we womenfolk are championed for changing a man, this is not the kind of change that people mean. We can enhance a person and bring their true selves forward. It seems to me that if he is swearing and being verbally abusive and loses his cool often then it means that there are some issues which he has experienced before have not been resolved at all. Drinking is also a form of escapism as well. He is running away from himself. So I would not try and get too involved into his life right now.

Drinking can also calm someone down, but if it changes their personality and become this Jekyll and Hyde, then it means that they let the drink affect their own psyche as well. What you described seems like an addict's behaviour to me. It should not flip a person's personality this way.

shellistar Thu 29-May-14 08:32:14

I agree with MistressDeeCee it's NOT going to get better! It sounds exactly like me ex and if that story is anything to go by I bet it didn't start off like that! It will only get worse. LTB and find someone who deserves you!

bibliomania Thu 29-May-14 09:53:31

Run. No way to live. What would keep you there? You mention him being "adorable and sweet" - that's not the real him. That's just the cheese in the mousetrap. The nasty him is the real person.

Jan45 Thu 29-May-14 16:54:20

A year and a half and he's been nasty and controlling from the start, why exactly are you with him?

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