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How does a guy find the right girl

(57 Posts)
seekingsoulmate Mon 26-May-14 16:18:31

Hi all, wondered if anyone could offer me some advice. I'm a 35 year old guy, positive approach to life, good company and romantic, and a bit shy. I'm a really decent and genuine guy but I'm pretty lonely and want to try and get my personal life to actually work! I could do with a bit of advice on finding the right girl for me, I've dated and want to do so again, just could do with a few tips.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Mon 26-May-14 16:26:00


WildBill Mon 26-May-14 16:26:55

Keep texting to a minimum, actually talk on the phone.
Date one person at a time, only meet with people you are genuinely interested to know more about - not just to fill an empty calender.

Just be yourself - most women will make allowances for a little shyness (as long as you are not completely wet and looking for a mother figure)
Just go with the flow and don't analyse too much.

Uptheanty Mon 26-May-14 16:28:40

What part of dating are you challenged by?

Are you newly single, does your job give you opportunity to meet women?

seekingsoulmate Mon 26-May-14 16:31:47

Thanks for the tips, I'm not very shy just a little out of practice on the dating front and want to get things right.

And yes I am a guy looking for a girl..

I'm fine talking to women and have a lot of female friends just don't seem to have met the right girl yet and feeling pretty fed up with myself. I'm normally really positive and outgoing and get things done but when it comes to dating seem to lose the plot! Hence feeling pretty lonely and needing the pointers in right direction...

Messygirl Mon 26-May-14 16:33:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seekingsoulmate Mon 26-May-14 16:36:08

I've got a high pressure job so I'm looking at online dating. Its knowing what to say and what photos work best on profile. Haven't been really trying long (2 week) but so far not getting anywhere.

FolkGirl Mon 26-May-14 16:37:36

A lot of women object to being called 'girls' - we're not children.

It sort of sets out a dynamic where we are supposed to be quiet, complaint and defer to the man.

By the time most women reach adulthood, they don't think of themselves in that way.

IWillIfHeWill Mon 26-May-14 16:37:45

Females are 'girls' until sixteen. Thereafter they are 'young women' for a short while then 'women' from eighteen.

If your name is Charles, do as R tells you and move out of your mother's house. Its not good trying to pull while you live with your mum. It puts women off. In fact, whatever R tells you, do it. She knows best. I try to obey her at all times. Oh, and join the golf club. There might not be many young women members, but there are loads and loads of members with adult children, some of whom will be female, and you are perfect husband material. Apart from living with your mum. But they might like that.

So, you are looking for a woman. How have you tried to find one?
Itemise your wish list. As you've worked out already, a lot of women read mumsnet.

FolkGirl Mon 26-May-14 16:38:13

x post.

You're still looking for a 'girl'.

You know that's illegal, don't you?

seekingsoulmate Mon 26-May-14 16:40:13

Sorry I mean women and didn't mean to offend. No I don't live with my parent either I live on my own. Thanks however for the help and advice.

FolkGirl Mon 26-May-14 16:43:21

I know that 'girl' is a term a lot of people use when they mean women. But they shouldn't, it's very sexist and if I heard you use it, I would find it patronising and irritating.

So, in all seriousness, it might be worth considering how you speak to and about women in their presence. Women will accept a lot more from their male friends in this respect than they would do a partner.

You could well be putting off potential partners with something as simple as this.

And I mean that helpfully and not unpleasantly. Language is very powerful in that respect.

GertrudeBell Mon 26-May-14 16:46:02

Not that many women are offended by the use of girl. Sorry, OP, that you have been jumped on for that.

I think women on dating sites are wary of being used for sex, and are put off by overtly sexual messages. It's better to show a real interest in them rather than what they can do for you. Doesn't do any harm to compliment them in a classy way though.

Uptheanty Mon 26-May-14 16:48:24

Have your female friends tried setting you up?
I know lots if very happy couples who have met through friends.

It is difficult when you feel ready to meet someone to share your life with & you've yet to meet them.

Could it be possible that you're sending the wrong messages to potential dates. Too keen perhaps?
That's a lot of pressure.

FolkGirl Mon 26-May-14 16:49:16

As far as OD goes, talk more about what you are offering than what you expect in return.

You're likely to attract the sort of person you are looking for anyway and it's less aggressive than a list of demands.

As far as photos go. Women on here tend to be put of by selfies and photos involving cars, animals or children. I always liked photos of someone smiling on holiday. Close ups and full length are always good. Don't include a photo of you with a beautiful woman (ex or otherwise) - I have no idea why men do that. I didn't respond to/or message anyone who had a photo of them with other women on their profile. Or photos wtih friends on. (I don't know you, strange man! - I don't know which is you and which are your friends...)

IWillIfHeWill Mon 26-May-14 16:49:58

With online dating, be honest and clear, say what it is you want and what you can offer.

Things I remember from my reading of profiles include 'I'm really not looking for one-night-stands' (only say it if its true), 'I'm amazed how many women are looking for a man!' (Aww, bless him. I told him to work his way through them all), 'I don't play mind games' (good), people who write well make a good impression and whatever you do, don't use Steve Jobs' quotations without referencing them (or anyone else's).

The Help Desk is now closing. wink

JonSnowKnowsNothing Mon 26-May-14 16:50:20

I don't like being called a girl, to be honest. I find it patronising.

OP, if you're willing to give online dating a go, spend a bit of time making a decent profile. Don't fill sections with "I'll fill this is in later" or "I'm a typical lad, any questions just ask."

Also, if you want to message any women, send a nice message that suggests you've actually read her profile, as opposed to "heeeeeey sexyyyy!" Or similar.

If you'd rather meet a nice potential partner in real life....well no advice there I'm afraid or I'd have taken my own advice and found someone by now!

Good luck.

FolkGirl Mon 26-May-14 16:51:07

Gertrude I think most women in their 30s prefer to be thought of as women.

seekingsoulmate Mon 26-May-14 16:52:57

A few of my friends friends and work colleagues have been hinting on trying to set me up with a few people, guess its time I just relax and be myself and lets things take their course. I've put some photos on my online ad showing me on various holidays, good recent pictures, all me on my own and some close up.

I guess its me putting pressure on myself as I'm just feeling pretty lonely and want to find the right woman.

I'm grateful for all the advice so far and will see how things go.

FolkGirl Mon 26-May-14 16:53:13

Oh and if you try to pass yourself off as a pseudo-intellectual, don't misquote Oscar Wild [sic] or say "I'll buy you chocolate if you're PMSing"

Yeah, man on Match. You know who you are...

IWillIfHeWill Mon 26-May-14 16:53:45

And re-opening...
Photos. Best photos I've seen in online dating were of a chap who was smiley in all five, and one of them was him and his grown up daughter, smiling.

CaptainAmericaMmmYesPlease Mon 26-May-14 16:56:22

Strange how the poster named FolkGirl would be offended by being called 'girl' confused

I don't think many women would care if you called them girl tbh, can't see it would put them off dating you anyway.

FolkGirl Mon 26-May-14 16:57:51

Have you also included photos of you not on holiday or of you doing a hobby you have?

I had one every day close up photo of me that showed me without make up; one almost full length that had me in make up looking attractive (but not sleazy or 'sexy') and another that showed me doing a hobby I said I have - just for 'proof' that I was who I said I am. All but one of the men I met was very nice - just not compatible.

One comment I got consistently was that I'm just like my profile. I was a bit confused that men were surprised about this! It would seem a lot of people are a little creative in their profiles!

oh and don't include a photo of you mountain climbing and skydiving because you did them once on a package holiday. Most people don't have lifestyles like that and it just makes you think, "oh, he wouldn't be interested in me because I don't/can't x, y or z"

WildBill Mon 26-May-14 16:59:32

'Find the right girl' is a turn of phrase - it's not loaded!

FolkGirl Mon 26-May-14 17:00:20

Ha, that's very true Captain! I hadn't noticed that! confused

Perhaps I'm reclaiming it...

That's because I sometimes like to embrace my cute, ditsy side... Argh, I'm so conflicted.

<shuffles away to hide and consider a namechange>

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