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Would really appreciate some thoughts/advice

(86 Posts)
confusion77 Mon 26-May-14 11:01:11

Have NC for privacy.

I feel like I have wasted my life. I am 37 and been with my husband for 13 years. We married last year. I am beginning to think we will be the couple that are together for ages then split soon after marriage.

I will try to give the background as facts. He lived with his parents until we bought our house 4 years ago. He has a sporadic work history - spent a lot of time, years, out of work with no real motivation to get a job. Its the reason it took us so long to buy a house. I had lived with an ex partner and aline since i was 17 but moved back to my parents just as i got together with DH due to a split with ex. I planned to save up and rent somewhere. My plans changed to save and but with DH. It took years. Eventually i wa on a decent wage and he was working and we bought our house then married last year. He walked out of his job weeks later due to stress. I wasn't supportive but he did it anyway.

I have long since thought that he has some MH/depression/other issue. He has no friends, he has v.high expectations and standards. He is mildly obsessive. He hoards.

We get on brilliantly when we do get on. But those times seem fewer and further between. When we argue he gets so angry. I am not in danger or scared of him, but there is no reasoning with him. He said this morning 'oh well its obviously just my fault then' when often i think it is just him. He over reacts, he takes things personally, he us suspicious, he goes on and on about things that i wkuldn't even mention.

This morning - I was dropping him off at work. He usually takes himself but got me up to take him. Drove past 3 workmen 'up to no good' we had a bit of conversation about it, then he continued 'ranting' at me about them. I didn't respond after the first few times. This caused an arguement because of 'how i treat him'. He really went for it. Quite nasty. I don't care about the men. They were doing no harm and theres no sign of them now.

We have no children though have been trying. We don't go out as he is socially awkward and doesn't like most people. I go out with friends. Friends don't invite us as a couple, when they have he hasn't gone, even to the point of getting to the house then saying 'i'll just drop you off and go home'

He is constantly critical of everyone particularly my family. He is right in some ways but i don't want or need to hear him complain all the time. They are currently employing him enabling us to pay the mortgage.

I don't know what to do. I have changed. He has changed me. I wish it could be how it is when its goid. When its good i am happ and can cope with the difficult things.y. When its bad i feel like i have wasted my life waiting for him.

I have waited ywars for this house and i love it so much. I probably couldn't manage here alone atm but possibly after our current fixed term expires as we have a high interest rate.

I know i should have dealt with all this sooner. We don't communicate welk and he is scathing of the idea of depression/mh issues. He heard on the radio a discussion about adult men with ASD / asbergers and just took this piss. My heart sank.

confusion77 Mon 26-May-14 11:01:40

Wow. So sorry for the essay.

CailinDana Mon 26-May-14 11:14:49

First and foremost stop trying for children. You don't want to add children to this mix.

It sounds like this relationship just drains you. What do you want to do?

confusion77 Mon 26-May-14 11:22:49

We have been trying because I couldn't really have left it much later. Which I admit I am resentful of. Especially as its not being ever so sucessful.

I don't know what I want. I am fed up of being criticised/questioned. He doesn't see it like that but he constantly does things like checking my (10yr old) car for scratches. I park in a public car park daily and we bought it because it was a bit beaten up and wouldn't matter if it got car park dings. He inspects it daily. He questioned why there was a bit of kitchen roll in the bin the other day. I had blown my nose. Should have used the tissues apparently.

I am torn between cutting my lisses and trying to manage alone. And the prospect of possibly never having children as a result.

I realise this is all negative. There are good things. But yes, it is draining. I seem to have 'caught' his anxiety.

Pippinlongsocks Mon 26-May-14 11:41:04

I read your post and couldn't help feel the parallels to how my life used to be with my XH. I really feel for you, I do know what you are going through and the advice I will give is please don't stay with this man. Having a child won't change him. I thought that. It made things worse and I was left to bring up our child without any practical or emotional support at all whilst trying to hold down a job and run a house. It may seem insurmountable now to change things because of the house and mortgage etc but believe me all these things can be sorted out. They might be difficult but they won't be impossible. He will suck the life force from you. When I was where you are now I could see myself descending into depression and despair being with someone so critical and negative. What right does someone have to do that to another person. They have no right at all of course but I realised it was up to me to get out and away. It is not you, don't believe that for a minute. Talk to someone in RL, get some support. You will be surprised that people around you will know there is something wrong and they will be there for you. Life is too short to be so unhappy. I escaped last year and I gave up a whole lot financially to do so but I have never been so relieved and happy in my life. You can do it too. Good luck.

confusion77 Mon 26-May-14 11:47:05

Thank you pippin your reply has made me sob because I think you are probably right. Ridiculous as it sounds to say, I wasn't expecting a child to change him. But was clinging on to the hope that if i got pregnant It would make or break us. Probably break byt I would have a child and have very very supportive parents. And it would almost certainly mean I wouldn't put up with it any more.

I actually feel sorry for him though. But can't decide if he has real problems or is just an arse.

BlackDaisies Mon 26-May-14 11:48:57

It sounds like you have got so used to his behaviour that, although it annoys you, you do accept it (by not challenging him on it). Questioning a piece of kitchen roll in the bin or inspecting your car daily for scratches is really difficult/ obsessive behaviour for you to live with. If he cannot accept that and seek support for it, it won't change. It will drain and depress you. I would second the advice not to bring children into the mix. There could be other houses that you love. Lots of women have babies in their late thirties and forties. I think at the very least you need to believe that you have a choice about how to live your life, and that you can change things if you really want to. (Either by initially talking to him about things having to change if you do stay together, or by considering life without him)

confusion77 Mon 26-May-14 12:03:15

You are right blackdaisies I have let far too many things go. It is as a result of his reaction to me if i challenge or disagree. I do it for a quiet/easy life.

I said 'does it matter' in reslonse to his telling me I should have used a tissue. He says he sees no issue in asking me about the kitchen roll. I don't think its 'normal'. But his reaction to my 'does it matter' was out of proportion. I refused to argue about it. I often shut down because I have no response or my response will escalate the situation. Then it escalates anyway as i am ignoring him.

God it sounds dreadful.

I am considering asking if he will move out for a month to give me some space and time to think.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 26-May-14 12:07:48

Please stop hanging onto the good times as a way to get through the bad ones. If you met this man tomorrow for the first time and he criticised your family, nit-picked about tissue usage or ranted about workmen, would you entertain a second date?

I know the pressure you feel under to make a go of this. You made the commitment to marry & buy the house and you feel the clock ticking on your ability to have children. What I can't work out is whether all of this unreasonable behaviour is met with resigned silence on your part or whether you give as good as you get. I do hope it's the latter. I think you're being bullied and should stand up to him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 26-May-14 12:09:54

" I often shut down because I have no response or my response will escalate the situation"

Posted before I read your last contribution. This is a common reaction of someone who is being psychologically bullied or 'emotionally abused'. You said originally that you were not in danger or scared of him but there are other ways to inflict damage on someone and this kind of low-level, chip-chip-chipping at your confidence and ability to assert yourself is extremely harmful.

confusion77 Mon 26-May-14 12:13:23

I feel such a fool.

Resigned silence mostly, apart from the occasions where I totally lise it and shriek like a fishwife.

I look back and see such awful signs that for some reason i ignored. My mum said she was having a bbq. We got there to find my best friend and ger then husband there. He spent the whole time in the house while everyone else was in the garden having a bbq. Because he hadn't known there would be others, my mum shouldn't assume, my friends a bit of a twat and her husband is worse.... Etc

confusion77 Mon 26-May-14 12:16:15

He has said himself that I am no longer the happy , confident, carefree girl he first met. I think he realises why. I have been holding onto the idea that he has a genuine problem but I don't think i can carry on.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 26-May-14 12:40:30

If you're a kind person it is easier to believe that someone has a genuine problem than to believe that you've wasted a big chunk of your life on someone that is, at heart, a miserable attention-seeking bastard who felt inferior to your 'confident, carefree girl' in the first place. He's only equipped to deal with a sad, silent sort of girl that he can control.

You might find some of the pointers in this article help crystallise some of your thinking.

It's never too late.

confusion77 Mon 26-May-14 13:03:34

Thanks cogito I read that on the other thread and yes, several points ring true.

I think at this stage it doesn't matter the reasoning behind the behaviour, the end result is the same. I am sure he also thinks there is something 'wrong' but won't admit or address it.

I am thinking of seeing his GP to see what he hs to say, then telling my husband that he needs to address these issues or its game over for us. I don't like an ultimatum but he needs to know I mean it. I can't and won't carry on like this. I think some time alone would do me some good too.

Pippinlongsocks Mon 26-May-14 13:08:19

Cogito explains it really well that he wants to take all your strength and joy about life so that he can control you. My ex did exactly the same to me and I completely understand that resigned silence that you describe. I did this to deal with being berated about ridiculous things such as your tissue situation. This eventually escalated to much more unpleasant situations that cannot be reasoned with. It's all part of their control. Don't feel sorry for him. I spent years giving ex the benefit of the doubt, the truth is they don't deserve it. He doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve to be living this way. What really helped me to gain strength was to make a plan. Start with small steps but imagine yourself in a new life, feeling happy, giving yourself the chance to meet someone who will love and respect you properly, don't let him get in the way of that. Even if he has a genuine problem then it doesn't give him the right to make you this miserable. I changed my life and the amount of different things that have happened and new people that I have met has really surprised me. It is hard and not every day is easy but as I am finding you just have to work through the bits that feel hard and tomorrow is another day and you will often feel better on that next day. To stay will just be more of this grief and unhappiness. Don't be prepared to lose yourself because of this man.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 26-May-14 13:10:59

I would check whether he actually does think there is anything wrong with him before you do something like contacting a GP. If you can bear it, put on your thickest skin and phrase it .... 'if there was one thing you could change about me to make our relationship better, what would it be?'.... and follow up with... 'if there was one thing you could change about yourself that would make our relationship better.... '

I have a crisp tenner says he'll find very little, if anything, about himself that needs to change but that he will be able to list your 'faults' ad infinitum

confusion77 Mon 26-May-14 13:14:03

Thank you. I've just told my mum. We don't have the greatest rwlationship so this is a big step and a way of me not carrying on regardless.

Silly thing is, I would have much more help and support if i were alone. My dad would be round lke a shot to do the house jobs that have been waiting 4 yrs. I'm pretty sure my mum would pay off my loan so i could manage financially. My friends would come back. They are still here, some of them, but not as involved as they would be. People don't come round.

CailinDana Mon 26-May-14 13:16:11

What are you hoping the GP will say? You know he can't tell you anything about your DH's health?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 26-May-14 13:17:12

As you don't have DCs with him you are better able to walk away. If you have been trying to get past those traits you find difficult but now starting to recognise you are incompatible don't waste more years delaying the inevitable. Even he acknowledged you are no longer happy and confident! Don't I beg you fall into the trap of thinking "Let's see if having a baby together makes or breaks us".

Hissy Mon 26-May-14 13:21:54

I'll put a tenner on the fact that he's an arse.

Please do what you gotta do and get out of that situation as best and as quickly as possible.

Your house should have appreciated in value already, so you shouldn't lose out.

Viviennemary Mon 26-May-14 13:22:30

From your post it really doesn't seem to be working for you. The decision you have to make is whether or not you stay and try to make things better or leave and start again. Having DC's inthis situation will make things worse. Only IMHO. I think it would be better to make a decision sooner rather than later. Dont be in your late fifties thinking I wish I'd left when I could.

Hissy Mon 26-May-14 13:23:27

Never, EVER have a child with this man. Don't blight a poor innocent child with a bloke like this as a dad, or saddle yourself with him for the rest of your life!

I have the t-shirt, it's shit!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 26-May-14 13:25:19

Could you get some time alone if you needed it? Could you stay with your parents, for example, and still manage to work etc? Go see your old friends? Sounds like you need some space to think.

I'm projecting massively here but, late twenties, I was in a short-ish marriage with someone who sounds distressingly similar. Swap the hoarding/obsessive behaviour for an over-fondness for alcohol and irresponsible spending and they could be brothers. smile What I remember at the time is that I spent so long apologising for his alleged (but also undiagnosed) 'issues' and defending his antisocial behaviour that I felt I couldn't walk away and admit others had been right all along. Especially not my DM who, like you, I've never had the greatest relationship with. Ironically, he ended up leaving me.... now there's gratitude.

livingzuid Mon 26-May-14 13:27:12

If it is any consolation I was with XH for eight years of which 8 months were married life. I left very soon after when I realised I could not have children with him, bringing a life into the fucked up dynamic of our emotionally backward relationship. I couldn't picture getting old with him, I couldn't picture him supporting me or standing tall by my side defending me, and we were not a team. I always thought partners should be in it together come what may, and we were not even in the same story, let alone on the same page.

Your husband may have mental health issues but that doesn't mean he has the right to behave badly. He may just be very introverted. And he has to take ownership of his condition and want to get better. You can't do that for him. You can start the conversation, but I just wonder what response you will get.

You must do what is right for you. You aren't his nurse and you aren't around to look after him. If you want to leave, then leave. Make a plan and thank goodness you have no children to consider.

Very sorry you are going through this.

confusion77 Mon 26-May-14 13:29:49

I honestly think he has some sort of mh problem. Or something. And I think he does too, whether or not he will admit it is another matter.

I just hope to speak to the gp so that if my husband does go, the gp has a better picture of things, and maybe for some advice. Or i might see my own, i need to anyway.

I know you are all right about not having a child. I can't tell you how heartbroken i am at the prospect of remaining childless.

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