Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I don't want dp& the dc to come home.

(32 Posts)
Jellybellymummyofsix Mon 26-May-14 00:33:50

Dp & I will be separating in the next week or so, basically as soon as he has somewhere to go.

He booked a family weekend away as a surprise the day I asked him to leave, ( last Wednesday). I didn't go & stayed at home with the baby as she's ebf. Dp went with our 3 older dc. 2 of the dc have ASD.

Dp is so unsupportive. It's what has made me want to separate. It's finally hit me, he's never going to 'get' it. He never has & never will. I can't stay with him as i know he will never change, personally I think he's choosing not to change but he insists, it's not his fault that he can't communicate or support me when I'm struggling with dc.

I've been diagnosed with pnd & I'm on ADS. I told him but he didn't even acknowledge what I said. Our younger ds is being assessed for ASD, dp hasn't commented on it. Our older ds was diagnosed 3 years ago. Dp didn't attend one appointment.

He's ignoring me when I talk about separating & seemed shocked when I asked him exactly when was he moving out.

So Dp & the dc have been away since Friday. I'm dreading them coming back. My stomach is in knots at the prospect of the stress tomorrow. I know dp will be grumpy. The boys will be hyper. Dd has been texting moaning about her dad. Its half term this week, no playscheme or restpite for either of the ds. Hopefully I should be able to get something organised for the summer holidays.

It sounds awful but i hate my life. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I've no social life, not a single friend. No family near by. The only adult I spoke to all weekend was the checkout girl in tesco.

No career. No money. No friends. Broken down relationship...

I really want to leave. I don't want to deal with all of this crap anymore. Dd12 is the reason I stay but I'm deeply unhappy. How do i get on with it & reconcile myself with the hand fate dealt me?

Doinmummy Mon 26-May-14 00:42:19

You poor thing, having to deal with quite a few major challenges in life all at once, no wonder you feel desperate.

Are there any ASD support groups near you ? I can only imagine how isolated you must feel, maybe meeting/ talking to people who also have children with ASD would help.

Doinmummy Mon 26-May-14 00:46:39

You may find things get easier when your DP leaves . At least you can then do things your way without feeling resentment and rage at his uselessness .

What about Home Start, they may be able to be of some use. I'd also try your GP , explain how you feel , he may be able to put you in touch with people that can help you. X

Doinmummy Mon 26-May-14 00:53:30

Where abouts are you

Incandescentrage Mon 26-May-14 00:59:28

Just stop for a moment, and re-read what you have posted.

Your life is shit and you hate it, your DP is a non-communicative moron. And he is leaving, because you have asked him to.

Well done. I say it again, well done. That was the hard part. Now turn around for a moment and look ahead. Yes, you have some tough times ahead, but it can only get better now! This is rock bottom for you, and you didn't give up, you made a change, you have initiated a course of events that will head you where you want to be. And where is that? What does it look like, your future? What do you want it to be? Feel it, taste it, smell it, immerse yourself in the future you want for you and your dc. Then focus on it, to help you push through the harder times ahead, they are just part of your journey, and they will pass and be gone as quickly as they come.

And then you will arrive, suddenly you will find yourself looking back, and thinking, thank fuck I made the change when I did!

Good luck, stay strong, focus on your (happy) future xx

Smilesandpiles Mon 26-May-14 01:00:30

You've got a lot on your plate.

6 kids (going by your username) including a baby, 1 or more with SN and you are exhausted.

I would see homestart first, then the CAB and then womans aid then your GP. Maybe a change in medication may help? I'm only saying this as some can react badly and make you feel worse...others not so much so you'll be able to handle the changes you have ahead of you better.

Jellybellymummyofsix Mon 26-May-14 01:05:31

There are 2 ASD things i take the dc to. One run by The National Autistic Society, the other a local charity. It's incredibly difficult as I have to supervise the older dc constantlying. He on 1-1 in a special school.

The younger ds is more able. I didn't realise he had ASD this time last year. That's why i continued with the pregnancy. With hindsight i shouldn't have had dd. i regret having her as it's pushed me over the edge.

I'm not overly keen on Home start as they come into the house & it would put me under alot of pressure to tidy up etc & the house is a total shit tip!

I'm applying for a personal budget for my older ds as he's entitled to restpite but the carers used by SS were not very good & unreliable.

It's the reality of bringing 2 ds with SNs up. I have had for about 5 years & i don't see that changing for a very long time!

My GP is of little help. She gave me a prescription & told me to make some friends...! Realistically what else can she do?

I'm in London.

Smilesandpiles Mon 26-May-14 01:11:04

That's what homestart are there for, to help you. If you want them to do the ironing or just give you a 30 minute break while you have a bath, they'll provide that for you.

See another GP. Your old one may have a point but you need something else other than a PP said, they'll point you to someone who may help you.

Jellybellymummyofsix Mon 26-May-14 01:14:27

To the poster that said about looking ahead...

that's why I'm so fucking depressed. 2 ds with ASD. A carer costs £18 an hour. I live in a shit hole. We live in one of the worst borough's in London. I can't leave as the LA fund ds school place.

How am I going to earn a living? ds gets even more holidays then the other dc. I will end up totally reliant on benefits. Literally if it wasn't for Dd12 I would end it all.

I spent a whole weekend own. I don't have a friend to even call. It's lonely & no of that's going to change. from tomorrow I won't get a break until Tuesday week when ds goes back to school. He doesnt sleep well so I end up like a zombie. I hate it, really fucking hate it...

handfulofcottonbuds Mon 26-May-14 01:23:47

jelly - do you have family you can turn to?

Jellybellymummyofsix Mon 26-May-14 01:28:14

No family to help. Parents elderly. 1 brother I see once or twice a year.

Dps mum passed away. No idea where his dad is. He has no siblings.

Part of the reason i wanted a large family!

Smilesandpiles Mon 26-May-14 01:34:59

What are the ages of your kids?

Can they help you out more? You'll need to get them to help out anyway when you are own with them, might as well start now if they aren't already.

Jellybellymummyofsix Mon 26-May-14 01:41:04

Dd 12, She's brilliant & does loads.

ds 9, ASD & ADHD.

ds5. ASD

dd 3 months.

Jellybellymummyofsix Mon 26-May-14 01:43:20

It won't make any difference Smiles, dp does nothing. He works shifts so never know when he's working. He's does nothing with baby as I'm bf.

That's why the house is a mess!

handfulofcottonbuds Mon 26-May-14 01:47:30

As long as the house is clean, the mess doesn't matter. One thing at a time, it sounds like you have got so much on your plate that you just don't know where to start.

Just get those cleaning wipes, mop down the loo seat, the bath, the kitchen sides. The mess doesn't matter so much. Can your DCs just put away their toys after they play with them? Make it into a game for them to see who can tidy the most?

Can you get some sleep when DS 3 months is asleep and the others are at school? Even 30 minutes would help.

Jellybellymummyofsix Mon 26-May-14 01:47:49

At least when dp has his one weekend a month off, he can take dc out.

He won't see much of the dc but it can go 2 weeks depending on his shifts, he never even asks after them.

andsmile Mon 26-May-14 01:49:03

Hi OP. That sounds a lot to cope with. I think you will feel a sense of relief when DP goes as he is one less person to have to think about.

I dont have any experience of SN children so i dont know if it is appropriate to suggest trying to get out. I find being stuck at home quite oppressive and it really helps to get out.

I agree with other who have said go back to GP, if you dont feel supported then go back. Explain your chang ein circumstances how you feel about your future.

I would use sure start again - just make sure toilet and food surfaces are wiped - when mine gets bad I always feel better if I know the essentials are done - mention this to sure start. Can your DD help you with this?

Is there a way you could get an appointment at CAB to make sure you are acessing all the help, support and benefits you are entitles to, especially with your change in circumstances, single parent household.

Are there any groups you could goto for support and make a few friends? Ones that are a bit further that maybe worth the effort?


andsmile Mon 26-May-14 01:50:00

Does your DP have Aspergers? he sounds can run in families, I think?

Jellybellymummyofsix Mon 26-May-14 01:54:40

Ds 5 only goes to school part time. I do everything in the 4 hours he's in school. He attends 2 different hospital's regulary for health problems. So its a very rare week I've nothing on.

It's the lack of organisation that stresses me. Clothes, now all summer stuff needs sorting.The draws sre empty, can't find underwear, socks that sort of thing. I clean as i go. I clean constantly as the boys are really messy & create alot of work. Think Fly Lady!

handfulofcottonbuds Mon 26-May-14 01:57:24

Sorry jelly so many questions for you.....

How long have you been on your ADs? It took me 7 weeks to actually feel the effect of mine and then 3 months later, I had to get my dose increased slightly. It helped me cope so much as it was just so difficult to get myself going in the morning.

To the GP who told you to go out and make some friends - good grief!! Some have no idea!

I understand that you can't look to the future just yet, it's enough for you just to get through the day right now. I'm not going to tell you it will get better because you can't see that now. There is support out there for you though. Have you tried your local Children's Centre? Or library, they usually have rhyme time and things like that where you can meet other parents. It can be very isolating not having that adult interaction but there are options.

Jellybellymummyofsix Mon 26-May-14 02:01:29

We go out alot but it's very difficult. Often end up leaving Dd12 -watching baby & Ds5 whilst Ds9 goes into one! ds is a sod for running off. I can't go swimming stuff like that anymore.

CAB aren't great in my experience but once I have a date for dp leaving then I will inform tax credits. I already get Carers Allowance so will get Income Support.

handfulofcottonbuds Mon 26-May-14 02:05:49

Well Flylady - it sounds like you have the cleaning under control!!

What if you went to Primark and bought packs of different coloured socks, throw out all the other ones and start again. One has red socks, one has blue socks etc etc. They each know their colour, they're easier to pair up and they can put their own in their drawers.

Do your DCs have a SENCo at school? Can they put you in touch with other support services?

What about the ADs? How long have you been on them?

Jellybellymummyofsix Mon 26-May-14 02:08:56

The ADS are awful. I've been on them 3 weeks. My stomach has been playing up. Nausea & heartburn. The anxiety has been replaced with depression. I'm having weird dreams which don't help with the insomnia. I'm hoping these symptoms improve. I'm losing weight glue to loss of appetite. I weigh less then before I was pregnant.

I haven't started doing stuff for the baby like Rhyme time as she's only 3 months & i don't really have time. The Children's Centre is aimed at young parents& getting people into work. Education for non English speaking parents, that sort of thing.

Jellybellymummyofsix Mon 26-May-14 02:15:43

The older ds goes to school in a different borough so they wouldn't help much. He attends an independent special school.

ds 5 is still in mainstream. I tell the Senco about local stuff, I belong to the National Autistic Society. It took me a year to get the senco to do ds CAF. The Educational psychologist met ds about 2 weeks ago...ds started to change a year ago.

I've done all this so I know the reality of the situation. The lack of services in our borough. The massive cuts over the last few years. Playschemes & After school clubs are closing at such a rate. There's sod all left.

handfulofcottonbuds Mon 26-May-14 02:17:10

I work in that field, I guess each Children's Centre is different depending on the budget. Pop in and have a look at the notice board, they might have some classes you can attend while your DCs are at school, baby yoga that kind of thing. Anything to get you mixing with other adults.

I'm only going by my own experience but I had to have beta blockers as well, they really help with anxiety. At 3 weeks in from taking my ADs, I felt like I was wasting my time, I couldn't sleep, I was clenching my teeth all the time but one day, around about the 6th/7th week, I started smiling and laughing again. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted. Give them time.

You must be exhausted from BF as well, you need to try and keep your strength up. Eat little and often. The weight loss is probably down to stress, BF and running around like a blue ar**d fly!

With your appetite, can you buy food that you fancy rather than facing a big meal? I lived on bananas, build up and yoghurts.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now