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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

he's gone

99 replies

caruti · 25/05/2014 08:27

My husband of 17 years has left me. We've got five children together- one is three months old. There is another woman involved. My question is, my baby is breastfed and will be for the next three months till I return to work. With the older children ahes 7-15 obviously he can arrange what he wants with regards seeing them- they don't want to see him however. What about the baby? She goes where I go. I don't want to spend an afternoon with him while he plays at being a father. I don't want to see him. Can I refuse him access?

OP posts:

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mammadiggingdeep · 25/05/2014 08:33

I don't know the answer to your question but I want to hold your hand if you need it.

I'm sorry your going through this.

Do you have good support?

caruti · 25/05/2014 08:41

I have loads of support but I have to support the children too so it's very hard. I'm heartbroken. I can't see him. I look at my baby and I can't believe jes left her

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TheNightIsDark · 25/05/2014 08:45

I'm sorry but I don't think you can refuse him access. He won't get overnight access but as far as I know the court will expect you to accommodate him visiting for a few hours or similar. I may be wrong but I think that's what I've read on here.

I'm really sorry for what you're going through xx

BuzzardBird · 25/05/2014 08:47

Well, he made the choice to leave your marriage he is just going to have to suck it up whilst the baby is too little to leave you isn't he? I'm afraid you might have to be there when he sees the baby, you will just have to keep in mind it is for the baby's sake, not his.
Sorry you are going through this.

caruti · 25/05/2014 08:49

How can that happen though? He'd either have to come to the house or I'd have to go somewhere with him- what a nightmare. He can take me to court then. N u the time he does that I'll probably havesstarted weaning her anyway. At the moment I can't bare the thought of him holding her. She's so perfect and he is such a total shit

OP posts:

mammadiggingdeep · 25/05/2014 08:49

Ok, could you agree to an hour? You could have him there at a time when you will be busy (other kids bedtime? Dinner?). He could sit and mind the baby and actually it could be helpful. I understand you not wanting to see him (I really do, got the t shirt there) but if you have to, that might be a way to make it less painful?

mammadiggingdeep · 25/05/2014 08:51

I totally understand that, I do. My dd's were 2 and 8 months when ex left. I just couldn't fathom it- how he could be off thinking of his dick while I was sat home breastfeeding, mopping up sick and up all night.

caruti · 25/05/2014 08:53

Sorry - on my phone- need to reread before posting. The older children don't want to see him. My beautiful teenage daughter is so full of anger. I know eventually he has to see her I suppose. Not yet though. I can't do it

OP posts:

BuzzardBird · 25/05/2014 08:54

I like mamma's suggestion. Maybe give you an hour to yourself to relax a bit?

BuzzardBird · 25/05/2014 08:55

Has he shown interest in even seeing the baby or dcs?

caruti · 25/05/2014 08:55

What did you do mamma with him seeing the baby?

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RandomMess · 25/05/2014 08:56

I think I would "discuss" it with him via email and explain that you're not able to be anywhere near him at the moment but once baby is weaned and able to be away from you for a few hours at a time you will work towards it. His priority at the moment should be resolving things with your older dc as tbh the baby won't care!

Sorry that that you're in this situation, how hideously painful

PoloMintCity · 25/05/2014 08:58

What a shit. I totally understand you not wanting to see him, but if he presses for access could you express a bottle for baby?

mammadiggingdeep · 25/05/2014 08:59

He continued to come for contact here. It was a wind up but I didn't want to let them go and stay in a bed sit with him. They had all their toys here and I just wanted them in their house. I used to go out when he was here. Obviously at 8 months my baby was weaned and crawling etc. so not so much a 'baby'. I think I was only breastfeeding at night bub then.

Sorry, I missed the bit about the older kids. Could you take them out for dinner? A bit of 'you and them' time??

I do understand how you feel...I really do.

caruti · 25/05/2014 08:59

His attempt at contact with the older ones is minimal. My 15 yr old has his exams- that didn't stop him going either. I am not contacting him anymore. I'll leave it to him. He says I've turned them against him. I haven't been unreasonable with the children. They don't want to see him. For their sake too I don't want him in the house.

OP posts:

mammadiggingdeep · 25/05/2014 08:59

Yes, I agree with randomness. Good suggestion.

Joysmum · 25/05/2014 09:00

Feed the baby beforehand and provide a bootle of expressed milk if you can successfully express. If not it was worth a try.

caruti · 25/05/2014 09:01

It's baffling isn't it? I would cut off a limb before I left my children

OP posts:

mammadiggingdeep · 25/05/2014 09:02

I don't know a whole lot about contact orders etc and understand the idea of leaving it to him (he might not even persue it). However, what if he does persue it and he's given more time than you would like. If you agree to something minimal at first and look like your willing then you might have more control of it.

mammadiggingdeep · 25/05/2014 09:02

Caruti- exactly how I feel. How can two parents have such different priorities in life???

caruti · 25/05/2014 09:03

I haven't expressed at all. Reluctant to start now. She won't know him will she? At the moment she smiles at everyone. Give it three months till she's on solids she'll be more aware. He'll be a stranger to her

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longtallsally2 · 25/05/2014 09:03

Hopefully someone else will come along with more knowledge of the legalities, but if you have to arrange contact, could it be an hour in the evening and you hand the baby over at the front door for him to take her a walk (or a drive in his car if it's cold/wet?) That way you don't have to have him in the house, or drive off somewhere neutral to meet him and he can get time with her in a very real sort of situation. It's what Dads do, isn't it? Take the baby out for a walk, whilst you have a shower/have an hour to do something between feeds.

Good to hear that your children are on board with you, and not letting him off the hook. If any of them do decide they may want to see him, perhaps the could go along for the walk, to establish a brief contact without having to do the whole macdonalds thing and maybe to keep an eye on the baby and be a sensible presence there too.

Thinking of you.

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BuzzardBird · 25/05/2014 09:04

Yes, he is a twat of the lowest order. The ow really got herself a 'prize' with him.

Viviennemary · 25/05/2014 09:05

I think you are quite entitled to put your baby and yourself first. You owe him nothing. He has deserted you and your family. And good for your other children refusing to see him. I agree with brief contact. Selfish man.

RandomMess · 25/05/2014 09:11

Try and keep all communication practical only. So he emails you to suggest a time to see the dc, you tell them and encourage them (it is in their best interests) them to go. Just assume it doesn't include the baby until he says otherwise.

If this does end up in court by keeping it emotionless and having a written email trail then it does prove you haven't bloked contact with them. It may be that your middle dc do want to see him but feel they need to side with their older siblings and you (all subconsciously).

The baby is a non-issue at the moment tbh (from the baby's point of view IYSWIM)

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