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pregnant, shocked and a bit lost.

(329 Posts)
sugarcoatedthorns Sat 24-May-14 15:37:25

I don't know what to do!

I have just found out I am pregnant and am so confused about what to do. My DH wants an abortion and I'm horrified that he doesn't want the DB. It wasn't planned and was despite precautions. So i know he doesn't have to want a baby, but he always refuses to talk to me about anything, anything.
The trouble is I feel scared of having a baby with him! He seems to keep setting traps for me to walk into and sits back and laughs at me, he takes the piss out of me a lot and I feel reaaly down about everything now.

One thing I do know is how much I want to keep this baby and cannot bear to think about going throygh the abortion he wants me to have. I would hate to feel that he had stayed with me because of a baby, but I cannot have an abortion and I told him this, but now he is telling people and making me look stupid about it.

He is telling people as a joke that we are having a baby when we are both out of work (I have just given my notice at a very well paid job because of constructive dismissal so yes it is the worst situation) and he had already decided to leave work to start as s/employed. but hes using this i think to ridicule me. When Ive been upset abouut the terrible work situation and try to talk about it he calls me boring and negative. I kind offeel that all the time I am happy and doing absolutely everything he is ok, but he gets very angry if I am having a bad day or anything. like i'm not allowed to worry or be upset.

I have got so down about it all and when I told a friend that i was starting to worry and feel a bit scared about him getting angry she told me that I probably need to get onto some antidepressants fro m the doctor. I think i am going mad, and i feel like a bad person for having any negative emotions.

Am i just scared because of being pregant? should I have antidepressants to help me cope with him because I don't think i am coping with him and don't feel allowed to be unhappy for fear of being accusedof being negative and him getting in a mood and shouting at me.

The only thing I do know is that I want this baby. because he won't talk to me how will i know whether hes still with me only because he will look bad to others if we did separate? He is very fo the do the right thing in front of others, but hes so differrent indoors, but he jjust keeps making me look stupid in front of other people and then saying its just a joke.

CoffeeTea103 Sat 24-May-14 15:45:28

Oh poor you, he sounds like such a horrible person really. Now that you have seen his true colours, it's time to think about whether you want to stay in this marriage as opposed to wondering if he wants to stay. The baby is your priority, not him.

Writerwannabe83 Sat 24-May-14 15:45:48

He sounds like a bit of a wan*er really!

How any weeks pregnant are you?

Do you have any friends or family nearby you can go and stay with for a feed yaws hilts you gather your thoughts? I think you need some time away from him and his 'jokes' to collect yourself together and think clearly.

And no, I don't think you need antidepressants, I think you just need to see this man for what he is.

Tiredemma Sat 24-May-14 15:46:57

You should 'abort' your DP from your life. He sounds hideous.

lessonsintightropes Sat 24-May-14 15:48:13

I think you need some time to think this through but you might find the best option is to ditch him and have the baby.

Salazar Sat 24-May-14 15:49:18

Get rid of bloke, keep baby. Recipe for happiness right there.

magoria Sat 24-May-14 15:49:18

What a vile man.

You deserve better.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 24-May-14 15:50:08

Your post will only give us a tiny snapshot of your life, but he sounds awful.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Sat 24-May-14 15:51:56

He sounds truly awful, your life would probably be happier without him.

If you really want this baby, then have the baby, dont let yourself have that regret of doing something you really dont want too.

rainbow9713 Sat 24-May-14 15:52:13

Hi SUGARCOATED, it is very easy for me on the outside but pregnancy aside for a minute it doesn't sound like you are very happy in your relationship. Now everyone can tell you to leave him but only you can make that decision......
As far as the pregnancy goes if you don't want an abortion you shouldn't have to. And if your husband does just stay because you have a baby the cracks will start showing, then you will need to decide what to do. And it may be easier when you have a baby to make that decision.
Babies can pick up on an atmosphere and if there mom isn't happy so you need to think what kind of environment you want to raise this child in. And you want as little stress as possible while pregnant aswell.
Now being a single mother wouldn't be easy BUT it sounds like being in a relationship with your husband and having a baby would be equally as hard.
I hope things work out for you whatever you decide but only you know what is the right thing to do for you.
Sorry I couldn't be more help but please don't do anything you don't want to oir feel you will regret xx

sugarcoatedthorns Sat 24-May-14 15:55:43

i feel so like the unreasonalbe one, but I don't know why and it s going in circles in my head.

thank you so much for taking the time to read all the ranting! im so relieved that you have replied.

i think hes reasonable to get cross and want and abortion because of our work situonot .

I often wonder if he loves me because he will only say things like, well i'm here aren't I?

i am just over 2 months already and cant believe i didn't accept that my lack of 'cycles' dcould be due to pregnancy but i had no reason to rhink they were and now i just feel stupid.

i move d here only six months ago and although its nearer to family they moved out of the area just as our move was finalised and they are not a suportive family and the DH didn't hit it off well with them.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Sat 24-May-14 15:59:14

You arent unreasonable to want the baby, you're not the first and certainly wont be the last to have a child during difficult periods. He can say he thinks abortion is best. But he has no right to demand it.

slithytove Sat 24-May-14 16:04:25

Baby = love for the rest of your life

DH = sounds like a prick

I know which one I think you should get rid of!

JohnnyBarthes Sat 24-May-14 16:04:37

I have had a termination, and the only regret I have about it is that I got pregnant in the first place (it was the result of fuckwittery on my part). The reason I mention this is that I want to make it perfectly clear that I am in no way opposed to abortion. Also relevant to your situation, is that one of the reasons I had my abortion was that I really couldn't bear the idea of being in contact with the man I got pregnant with for the next 20+ years. With hindsight I could have tolerated that, although I still don't regret my decision.

Not very long after I had my abortion, I got pregnant again (yes I know hmm but it's not uncommon) and went on to have my now teenage son. For the first few years I was a lone parent and very, very short of cash -it wasn't plain sailing by any means. But with ds's arrival I got my house in order and now have a pretty well paid job that I love, a tolerable wink partner and a wonderful son.

Only you can decide what to do, but the one piece of advice I will give is that your husband sounds horrible and you need to leave him, regardless of what you decide to do in relation to your pregnancy.

BolshierAyraStark Sat 24-May-14 16:10:24

Your 'D'H sounds just delightful.

Ditch him then think about your options without him there to muddy the waters.

Viviennemary Sat 24-May-14 16:12:09

Get rid of that dreadful man first. And then make some practical decisions on the way forward.

WhereTheWildlingsAre Sat 24-May-14 16:15:27

gosh what a sad and difficult situation!

If you want the baby then you have the baby, he has no right to demand it or to try to bully you into it or to try and make you feel so insecure that you don't think you can cope with a baby.

it seems to me that if he won't talk with you reasonably about this and he will only be obstructive then you have to prepare yourself for the point where you have to decide that its either him... or the baby. Sorry.

and also congratulations flowers on being pregnant. smile

BonjourMinou Sat 24-May-14 16:19:39

Ditch him, he sounds like an arsehole. Keep your baby, you know in your heart of hearts that's what you want to do.

sugarcoatedthorns Sat 24-May-14 16:21:10

really? DH = sounds like a prick / wanker/ truly awful oh gawd really. I do feel really stupid, I could have made it up that he's setting me up to fail, or that I just have a sense of humour failure. Am I stupid to think that it says a lot that he wants to stay with me even though he wanted an abortion?

sorry to hear this Johnny but I am thinking also about what you said about the next 20 years and that shouldn't be a worry if everything was even, but now I feel scared again, thats a horrible thought and it shouldn't be, because at his worst he's better to have on my side than against me/? Fuck.

Why would he want to stay with me, even though he doesn't say he loves me, he must do to be with me? I find it hard to think hes not genuine. andthe thing about this is only a snapshot of my life is very true as we;ve also had realy great times and have laughed a lot together and oh well each time I think about it i do blame myself for being miserable or wrong somehow, which is why the friend's antidepressant idea seems a sensible thing.

In my heart i cannot willingly end this pregnancy i feel very strongly about that i feel more competley confused about the relationship.

sugarcoatedthorns Sat 24-May-14 16:23:18

oh fuck! sad

and the kind soul who said congratulations thanks

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks Sat 24-May-14 16:24:10

Reading your OP, you don't sound very happy with your husband, even without the baby. He doesn't seem to show you any love or respect, and if he mocks you to your friends in front of you he is not worth your time or effort.
He sounds very nasty and mean.
I would advise you not to go through with the abortion to please this man. You will regret it if you do it soley for his benefit, and it will lead to bitterness and resentment.
I agree with the posters that say ditch him and keep the baby.
He is making your life miserable and making you question your sanity, you would be better off without him.
Once you get out of the relationship I feel you will be so much happier. Good Luck x

sugarcoatedthorns Sat 24-May-14 16:24:50

i know that all his friends think hes a clever likeable and funny guy and he tells me its just me thats miserable around him and so i feel the problem is me

Sighing Sat 24-May-14 16:24:52

He sounds toxic. He clearly is not prepared to.offer support or behave responsibly about any decisions.
He has made his position clear. He is not parent mayerial.
Get the hell awayfrom him to think clearly. Outline it all to a close friend/ parent. Stay with them. Talk to your GP.
This friend not listening to your fears isn't hrlping ypur head. Make it clear you are pregnant. You want baby, he doesn't his behaviour is increasingly erratic. Not yours.

expatinscotland Sat 24-May-14 16:25:48

Your spouse is a vile, abusive twat. Do not let him bully you into a termination you do not want.

slithytove Sat 24-May-14 16:27:03


Congratulations on your baby thanks because at the moment, knowing you want to keep it is good enough and the most important thing.

How DH reacts to that I'm guessing will form much of the decision making about staying together.

But whatever you decide, remember that you and baby deserve a happy life. Will you get that with DH?

He sounds emotionally abusive sad

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