Advise on getting over a ridiculous crush

[CinnabarRed]

I was going to name change, but then thought "Fuck it, Cinn, take ownership of this".

A new colleague started work at Easter, and I have the most enormous crush on him. We are expected to work together, although thankfully we're not in the same building, and so I see him (always in a business context) once or twice a week. After each meeting I find it incredibly hard to think of anything but him for hours and hours afterwards. I even wake at night thinking about him. It's utterly pathetic.

I am absolutely not going to ever give him any indication of all of this turgid teenage rubbish.

But how can I get my thoughts back on the straight and narrow? DH doesn't deserve this level of distraction. And I need to maintain concentration at work, which risks being affected.

I know that compared to most of the posts on here that mine is a really minor issue. But it's causing me real angst, without any resolution in sight.

Any tips gratefully received.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'd say 'enjoy the crush'... :) Can be quite invigorating and lets you know there's a red-blooded woman underneath that tax accountant (or whatever) exterior!!! Depending on how secure your relationship is, you never know, your DH might even find it amusing if you confessed.

[CinnabarRed]

Heh! Who would ever have thought tax policy could be so racy?

I wish I could enjoy it, but I can't. It's making me feel guilty and unhappy. I just want it to stop now.

[Hickorydickory12]

Sounds like you've gone past the point of 'mmmh he's nice' and developed a proper crush. Hard when this happens, but I think you just have to ride it out and let it pass.
Create more time with dh doing nice things?

[Sherlockholmes221b]

I don't know how to link but if you search this on MN:
'I have a crush, I think it's mutual. We're both married.'
There's a recent thread on a similar theme with some good advice.
Do you think your crush is mutual?

[Auntimatter]

Send him to my office? (Also a tax person)

Don't fight it, go with it and wait for it to wear off would be my advice. It probably will: novelty will wear off, you'll get to know him better and something or someone else will catch your attention. Maybe a really interesting tax case!

[CinnabarRed]

Oh, way past the "Mmm, he's nice" stage...

DH and I already make as much time for each other as we can given we both work full time and have 3 children under the age of 7. The crush is sort of separate from DH, if you know what I mean.

I have no idea if it's mutual and TBH it wouldn't make any difference either way - there's no conceivable scenario where testing the waters would be a good idea.

I'm trying to think of something about him that's unattractive. He does think the Mirrlees Review is a work of brilliance whereas I think it's typically impractical economic-wank with no relevance to real life .

[Auntimatter]

Ah: he's a theorist! I think your problem is the different type of intellect and that can be v attractive. Ok, maybe it won't wear off entirely, but recognising the situation and compartmentalising might help.

Or get him posted to Paris to help the OECD with BEPS.

[Auntimatter]

Actually, send him this way. I could do with a theorist around the office.

[CinnabarRed]

Oh, Aunti - I think we could be friends in RL! Hell, maybe we already are and just don't know it.

[Auntimatter]

Pretty sure not, but if I meet someone who I think is you I will ask.

[headinhands]

Imagine him doing a a really big and painful poo, complete with red sweaty face, and grey Yfronts round his ankles.

[CinnabarRed]

Yup, tried that. The problem is I have a v poor visual memory. I struggle to picture my DCs' faces when I'm not with them. When I try yo visualise CrushMan doing a poo, it morphs into DH who I've seen poo more often than is right in a relationship, the man has no boundaries, which isn't helping.

[headinhands]

Mine too! After 13 years and two children I'm just about comfortable not locking the bathroom door to poo. Dh has been openly defecating almost from the get go!

[headinhands]

Maybe some part of you thinks Mr Crush would never poo in front of you. But he would you know, once the magic had worn off.

[NotQuiteCockney]

Ok, well, it sounds like you're behaving well in difficult circumstances. There are a range of things that may help.

First, is it worth thinking about why you have this crush? Is it the overwhelming drudgery of three small children and full-time work? Do you have much fun in your life at the moment? Are there other ways to get fun, that either involve your husband, or at least don't involve discomfort and embarrassment? Are there qualities he has that you which you had, or that your DH has? Are there types of conversation you have with him, that you need to have with someone, but maybe you could find someone you find less attractive, to have with?

Second, does he have a partner? Meeting someone's partner can kill these things dead.

Third, is your relationship with your husband such that you can talk to him about this? He might tease you a bit about it, but bringing this sort of thing into the open tends to calm things down quite a bit.

Fourth, crushes do tend to just go away over time. It is ok to have a crush. (It's not ok to act on it, but you know that.)

[CinnabarRed]

Thanks for your thoughtful reply.

I have a reasonable amount of fun in my life, both with DH and separately - date night with DH once a fortnight, meal out with the girls once a month, good friends at work, and a job I love.

Although I do need to interact with CrushMan, it doesn't all have to be in person. Short term, I will do as much as I can by conference call.

I have no idea if he has a partner. I have deliberately steered clear of personal conversations.

I think DH wouldn't be happy if I told him, he would see it as a betrayal of sorts.

Sounds like time is the only solution. I was hoping for a short cut.

[WildBill]

He's never going to be as good in bed in real life (as he is in your imagination) he may even be - courtesy of another thread - a thigh frotter........

[happyyonisleepyyoni]

I am in a sort of similar position but the object of my crush is a very distinguished senior colleague, who is an inspirational figure I suppose . I know with my rational head on its a hero worship kind of thing but can't help going mushy still...hoping it will wear off of its own accord

[JaneParker]

1. See him less (as little as possible).
   
2. Try CBT applies to yourself - as soon as your thought turns to him think of something else or do something else or text your husband with some sexy message.

[kelhen]

Just coming out of a must unexpected and awful crush. My top tips: maintain distance and give it time to work its way out of your system, which it will.

Also try to identify exactly what it is that's attractive about this person. For me it was the attention he gave me and his funny, flirty manner. It gave me such a lift when for the past while hubby and I have been so exhausted from the daily grind we haven't given each other much attention. Also I'd lost weight and it was sooo flattering to get attention and feel attractive! Shallow but true unfortunately!

[CinnabarRed]

That's reassuring, Kelhen. How long did it take? And how do you feel when you see him now?

[kelhen]

I'm embarrassed to say it took nearly four months! But now it's totally fine, he's still funny and we exchange banter but the "shine" has totally disappeared off of him now, in fact I notice some irritating things about him now and his taste in suits is actually appalling!!

Was so relieved to come back to normality, I thought I was losing my mind because I have a wonderful OH and family and would do nothing to hurt them in any way. I think these things happen because we are human, with all sorts of feelings, needs, etc, that maybe we don't even know we have until somebody highlights them for us

[UtterFool]

I feel your pain OP. I wrote about a crush a few months ago and still have her in my thoughts now. It's not as intense as she no longer works in my office but I still have to contact her for work stuff so isn't totally off the scene.

Hopefully yours will subside sooner than mine and you can get back to normal ASAP.

[Foolishlady]

So glad to read this! I'm in the same position except he's my boss. Can think of little else at the moment. Not sure if it's mutual, he's single but I most definitely am not! Glad to hear that it can wear off...I have had a crush in the office before that wore off, but this one's different - was starting to worry about what it said about the state of my relationship.

[CinnabarRed]

So, I saw CrushMan yesterday for the first time in over a week (managed to do all contact last week by call; yesterday was a meeting that I couldn't avoid).

And it was - OK.

I still have a crush, but I think it's diminished. To manageable proportions. I don't feel that it's a risk to my marriage now. (Although I am not going to get complacent.)

I think this thread was a turning point. Thank you all.