Dumped boyfriend for TMI reason - do I tell him why?

[Corygal]

As aided by glorious MNetters about a year ago, I acquired a hot 29 yr old gentleman friend. (me = 46). So far so exciting.

But, in a, er, nutshell, he was not only the worst person in bed I have ever experienced, but couldn't keep it up either. Imagine long evenings spent miserably tending to a limp value sausage, then after two hours of me getting cold, untouched and bored, he'd say if I tried to move 'But I haven't finished yet'.

We - I - tried to talk to him and reassure him about it, with the result that he thinks he's fantastic in bed.

So I split with him, citing being too busy to have a relationship. He's now trying to get me back. Do I tell him the truth - no way, ever?

[JaceyBee]

Jeez you put up with that for a year! You must be a fucking saint, I wouldn't have gone back for a second go! Life is way too short to put up with bad sex.

Maybe you could say the sex wasn't really working for you but he'll probably just try and persuade you he can improve. Might as well stick to the same excuse now, just keep repeating it like a broken record until he gets the message and fucks off.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

I believe in being open and honest but I'm not sure I could tell someone they were crap in bed.

Could you just say that you really don't think you are compatible? That's not too far from the truth, but I don't think I could crush someone by saying they were rubbish in bed. I've been there, I have bitten my tongue from not saying the real reason and I know how difficult it is, especially if he's pursuing you.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

jaceybee said the same as me but in a better way

[Corygal]

That's a good idea. Thing is, I put up with it at first because impotence isn't someone's fault, and I thought with kindness and reassurance he might improve.

Ho ho. He wouldn't acknowledge there was a problem and just got more demanding.

[WildBill]

I wouldn't tell him, it might devastate him. If you've been with him for a year let him down gently by telling a white lie about the real reason.

It would be pretty hurtful to be on the receiving end of being dumped because you were crap in bed.

[SqueezedMiddle]

Move on. You don't need to go into any further detail about why its over. Its ver! you're not compatible, too busy for a relationship...yadda yadda.

If he isn't willing to admit/confront his issue, thats his problem. Feel for the bloke, but its his issue now, not yours.

[MortaIWombat]

I'd say tell him. Keep the faith for the sisterhood; it'll give him a chance to improve.

[Tinks42]

Due to what you've just written I'd now tell him.

[Itsfab]

Given that he pretended nothing was wrong and was demanding I would definitely tell him! What did he demand? .

[handfulofcottonbuds]

As I said, I couldn't hurt someone's feelings in such a personal way. He hasn't really done anything wrong, he hasn't cheated, been abusive, he probably doesn't even smell bad. But - you need to give him a reason so there's no comeback with him saying he'll be able to change and keep on trying to win you back.

I feel for him and he probably has no idea he's rubbish in bed - some men don't - but let him down gently and make it final.

[Corygal]

What did he demand? Since you ask - hours, and I do not exaggerate, of cosseting the cock, rolling on me with his full weight, and awful 40-min long sessions of frotting himself against my leg as I lay motionless.

As for paying attention to me - he spent as much time on arousing me and my lady parts as someone does flicking a switch. Very similar action, in fact.

I resorted to faking it just so I could go and breathe a sigh of relief in the bathroom.

[AnyFucker]

My knee jerk was "keep it ended but don't tell him precisely why"

when you later describe the hoops he had you jumping throuigh to worship such an inadequate cock, I say "give it to him both barrels"

sometimes the truth hurts

tough titty

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you'd dumped him and he'd gone quietly then you'd say nothing. But as he's not taking 'go away' for an answer then tell him the unvarnished truth. His problem wasn't erectile dysfunction, he was just an inept, selfish and lazy shag.

[freckelfootie]

Isn't HE being a bit manipulative by choosing to ignore the evidence? Relying on you being too polite to call him out on it and making out it's your "fault" by not doing enough.

Unless he's been stranded on Mars, I find it hard to believe he is actually unaware that it's not your "job" to sort him out and "reassure" him (just like them porn girls, right? )

"He wouldn't acknowledge there was a problem and just got more demanding."

This line sent a shiver down my spine. So you're expected to buy into this ludicrous fantasy that he's Ok in bed and it's YOUR problem and you need to do more "work", and he's allowed to be "demanding" over his poor weeny malfunctioning winky, because, y'know, that's like the woman's job? (like those porn girls, again).

I'd wager he's picked up that you're quite reticent to hurt HIS feelings, and wants to take advantage of this.

And he is NOT a nice guy. Do not protect his feelings.

[mammadiggingdeep]

You put up with that for a year?!?!! Oh dear god!!!!!!

Wish there was a medal emoticon....you deserve one!

[mammadiggingdeep]

"The hoops he had you jumping through to worship such a inadequate cock".....bloody love MN

[EverythingCounts]

I would go with 'I think we both know there were problems between us that were not going to be solved, so I don't think any future relationship is a good idea'.
If he's smart and sensible (out of bed) he will get the hint and not ask any more questions. If he still persists in bothering you, then you're perfectly justified in telling him exactly what the insurmountable problems were/are.

[pictish]

Oh dear lord.
Uhm...if you tell him the truth, I fear he may promptly turn it back on you and say it was you who was shit, and that's why he couldn't get it up.
Be prepared for some inventive insults.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

the hoops he had you jumping through to worship such an inadequate cock

Oh dear. I'm trying to be kind in my posts but that is so funny!

[AnyFucker]

OP, you say that MN encouraged you to go for it in the first place

I really fucking hope we haven't geed you up into staying since then because if we have I Fucking Resign

[ChickOnaMission]

Tell him the truth! You'll be doing him (and his future girlfriends) a favour. He can't go through life thinking he can demand you spend time of his flacid cock because he's 'not finished yet' but not be willing to take care of you!?

If he had problems and acknowledged it and made the effort to make sure you were well tended to then fair enough, but flick you like a light switch!!?? Oh tell the man!!

[freckelfootie]

I'm with pictish.

I went on a few dates with someone who (for weight reasons) was CRAP. Attractive enough out of bed, but we had to work round his flabby tummy. It was like I had to all the work, go on top, he couldn't maintain an erection.

What was worse, was that like your ex OP, I think he KNEW that he had an issue, but was fairly aggressive about maintaining that it wasn't "his" problem and was playing on my Nice Girls Care for the Feelings of Others Mindset to manipulate me.

He'd even send me a fucking texts going "oh, bet you enjoyed that "ride"", as if to reassure himself that the woman (literally) doing somersaults for ages to please him was "normal".

It was vile. It was like he was constructing a narrative in order to bolster his delusions.

When I finished, he sent me abusive texts. Too long back now, but I wish I HADN'T taken the moral high ground, and friggin given him both barrels.

[ChelsyHandy]

No, don't tell him. He is probably aware of a lack of ahem virility, but he is a young guy, you are just not sexually compatible. He didn't do it out of nastiness, there is no need to say something that might scar him for life and which may not even be an issue with a future girlfriend.

[Corygal]

Freckel - that's amazing! This guy did the same thing as yours!! - he used to say 'Oh you love my cock' and sext me saying similar boasty things, delighted with himself. This was even after it was pretty obvious he couldn't/wouldn't function in bed. At all.

The light switch thing was awful. I just can't believe anyone can think that was OK sexual behaviour. I am beginning to think he was just selfish.

And yes, he is manipulative - he's now trying to get me back because he's hurt his leg and thinks that will make me sorry for him. The minute he sees me he adopts a limp and groans when I walk past him. I felt like a sympathy robot crossed with an ATM when I was with him.

[Itsfab]

People have to be grateful their boyfriend didn't cheat or be abusive but put up with shit sex and outrageous demands?

Load of bollocks.