So sad after 15 years, I realise I can't do this anymore.

[Jellybellymummyofsix]

I've posted on here before about my relationship.

Dp & I have been together 15 years. We have 4 dc.

Dp is very inoffensive. Goes to work. Goes for a pint one evening a month. Loves his gadgets.

That's it...

We don't have rows or arguments. We don't have discussions or conversation apart from basic day to day stuff.

I'm totally on my own with the dc. He takes no responsibility or interest. He's not horrible just not interested. He's never come to an open evening or meeting & as 2 if the dc have SNs there have & are many meetings! He ignored all ds medical appointments when ds was being assessed for ASD.

It's been a shite year. I've developed hideous PND. I'm literally sitting here crying my eyes out. He doesn't respond. He doesn't offer a hug or comfort.

Ironically i work with adults with ASD & my ds both have ASD but i don't think dp has ASD. He had a very bad childhood & will do anything to avoid confrontation.

When i look back over the years, I feel so sad. He was of so little support or help during some really difficult times. The pregnancies, a mmc, loss of parents, ds with disabilities etc etc. I always considered needing support to be weak so I thought I was wrong to expect it.

Yet when dp was made redundant & when he was life threateningly ill, I did everything to help him... I felt so grateful the other day that he hoovered. I realised I was grateful he hoovered!! in the name of God, he's my partner but when he did something a child could, I was grateful. It's all he did in the house this week.

I've told dp I can't do this anymore & want him to leave. So he booked a weekend away for the whole family. I've told him I'm not going. i don't have the energy to sort all the stuff to go away for a weekend away. The house is hideous as i haven't been keeping on top of everything due to the pnd & ebf, as well as looking after 3 dc, 2 with SNS.

Do I make any sense?
Part of me thinks I should be grateful he's not a lying, cheating womaniser but another part of me says I can't live like this. I don't not love him, I don't understand him or even llike him very much, anymore.

Am i doing the right thing?

[Jan45]

Yes you make sense, you sound completely downtrodden and no wonder, you're effectively a single parent and a single person, it must be very lonely.

You only get one life OP, get out there and grab it, he sounds like a complete weight around your neck.

You've probably slowly over the years lost more and more respect for him.

[Back2Two]

I can't answer if you're doing the right thing as I'm not sure what you are doing.

Don't bother with the weekend away-as you say that will just be major stress for you.

It sounds fairly grim, gloomy and very sad. But, you have PND. Do you people in real life that are supporting you?

[Jellybellymummyofsix]

I never thought about it but i don't respect him.

When dd was born, he left after 2 hours as he was tired. He was meant to come back when he picked ds up from school. He didn't. He picked us up when we were discharged. The staff were rather confused as to why I was on my own. I had organised childcare etc so he could have stayed with me.

Things like that, stick in my mind...

[Jellybellymummyofsix]

I'm not bothering with the weekend away.

No RL support. My mum had a stroke 7 months ago. My dad has dementia. My brother is miles away. No friends, literally not a sole. So ending the relationship means, I'm totally on my own but I'm past caring.

[Joysmum]

My mum said she knew it was game over with my dad when she stopped being angry or feeling anything and stopped caring and became ambivalent.

I think there's a lot to be said for that, not being angry, upset or caring shows you've lost all expectations of getting anything from the marriage and have given up.

[Jellybellymummyofsix]

I has a sense of responsibility for him but it's gone now.I had been experiencing terrible anxiety but it's been replaced with awful depression... Black dark depression.

I cope by dealing with as little as possible. Talk to as few people as possible as I struggle to be normal for more then a few minutes.

I feed & sort the dc but they are on half term now. The anti depressants haven't started working. This week will be awful.

[Back2Two]

It really does sound as though your relationship has little to offer you. If anything.

But, I'm conscious that you say you have PND. Things can seem what they are not when you have PND. This may influence any decisions that you make. Are you getting professional help with regards to the PND?

[Jellybellymummyofsix]

i would leave if i had anywhere to go.

[Back2Two]

Cross posts

[Jellybellymummyofsix]

Sorry x post. My GP has prescribed me anti depressants.

[Back2Two]

I'm sorry that you're having such a tough time. [hug]

Do you have any siblings that can help out with your parents?
What about local sure start centre for advice/help with your children? They sometimes have activities on in the hols etc?
Or voluntary agencies for parent carers? (You as a carer for two children with SNs)

You may need to talk to your GP and say how you're feeling.
How long since you started the ADs? They can make you feel worse before you feel better.

One day at a time. One hour at a time.

[Back2Two]

(Just so you know, I've got to go now...not ignoring!)
Keep posting on here...MN is full of wise people.
I'll check the thread again later

[Jellybellymummyofsix]

Started ADS last week.

Only restpite for older ds but his carer left & finding it impossible to replace her. People don't want to work with ds as he's physically challenging.

Playscheme for dc with sns cost around £350- £425 per week for 25 hours care. Neither of my ds hsve personsl budgets. We're on waiting lists with 2 charities for home help.

ADS are making me feel really sick & giving me heart burn. I don't know if they are causing me to feel depressed. I have an appointment with the gp in 3 weeks.

[JuliaScurr]

try to get an earlier appointment
your 'd' p sounds like he's trying (feebly) to make an effort, so maybe with counselling it might be salvageable
you need help with your childcare, it's a priority. How about students at local colleges on relevant courses?
the ad's should kick in soon, if not get back to gp
hope somthing gets easier soon

[Jellybellymummyofsix]

Thanks but i don't see any point in going back to the gp.shShe said it would take a few weeks for the medication to work.

The boys are autistic students from the local college wouldn't really be appropriate.

Dp isn't capable of a conversation, let alone counselling! Thanks for your suggestions.

[Jellybellymummyofsix]

I somehow need to pull myself together for the dc & get through this.

I don't know how but i need to find away.

If dp was capable I would go away for abit.

[Back2Two]

Maybe there is a way to get a break?
Dh is probably more capable than you think.
But, looking after yourself as much as possible in the meantime.
Eat well. Try to sleep. Be easy on yourself. Don't think everything has to be solved in a day.
I'd still say go back to the GP. Say you need more support.

[Jellybellymummyofsix]

Thanks Back2two.

I told dp he needs to go after this weekend. Dp is oblivious, literally doesn't get what I'm on about. I've told him twice this week he needs to go but he's behaving like everything will be fine after the weekend. He's taking the boys away so will only be the girls to deal with..

I don't know what the GP can actually do other then give me a prescription. There isn't even time to propley explain how i feel, let alone chat. I'd never met the Dr, & apart from the ADS she said to call the HV but i don't know her either & only met her once.

My dp is capable, of course he is but he's chosen to sit back on his fat arse at my expense. It's the realisation it's always been like this & it always will be.

I was at uni & working when I met dp. Just bought a brand new car. Own home. Loads of friends.

Now I only have the house. No friends, no career absolutely nothing. 4 dc, 2 with ASD...fantastic future!

If i had my time again, I definitely wouldn't do it all again. I've wasted 15 years of my life. My best years were wasted. I won't be wasting any more years on him!!