looking back at 7 decades, while trying to move foward

[anditcametopass]

three dc.
dd1 living on another continent, while her 2ds-adult- live in the uk (trapped there for financial reasons).

ds living on another continent while his dd-adult- lives in the uk(trapped there for financial reasons).

dd2 living in the uk, ongoing mh issues nc with any family.

all 3 were toxic to each other over the years, with me being piggy in the middle, it felt like I was squashed against a wall, with bullets flying around me by their infighting.

jealousies, abusive partners, lies and manipulation.

how did I produce 3 adult dc's with so much dysfunction- including their different partners??????????

2 of my dc "speak" to me- via Skype, but mainly when they are in a mess, either emotionally or financially.
I have spent so long trying to understand how and why it went so wrong, at my age, I just feel like walking away from them all.

help please.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Personally, I think the influence of parents on personality is extremely limited. Certainly we can pass on values, expectations and model the behaviours that we would prefer to see. Certainly we can make mistakes along the way. If they wish, children can point to those mistakes as reasons for failings on their part ... or they can learn from those mistakes and resolve not to repeat them. However, if you think back to when they were very tiny children, I doubt their core personalities have altered very much at all.

You didn't 'produce' or create dysfunctional adult DCs, therefore and you are not responsible for their mistakes. You produced individuals who have, for various reasons, made some poor choices or had some bad luck along the way and have to accept responsibility for their own lives

[anditcametopass]

actually, that is very true, their core personalities, characters , can be identified when they were young.

1 was always a bully, yet highly emotional.
1 was always afraid of her own shadow.
1 was indifferent, lazy and selfish.

they all made poor choices, despite me spending hours/days/weeks/months/ and years advising and (financially) supporting them.

yet, today, their lives are still on a cliff edge.

I still feel like a spinning top in the middle, I thought at my age I would have peace, yet am still in turmoil

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

So don't walk away from them but take a step back. If they only involve you in their lives when they need something, express sympathy but turn it back on them to fix.... 'I'm sorry to hear that. What are you going to do about it?' ... etc. There will be protests if they are used to you acting as safety net underneath their 'cliff edge' lives. They may even go the dreaded 'No Contact' out of spite but keep turning it back rather than stepping in with advice and cash.

Maybe call it 'Operation Stand On Your Own Two Feet'? Sounds overdue.

[anditcametopass]

yes, d1 has "punished" me, out of spite, by going nc, has done it many times over the years, she blames me for anything that upsets her in her life.-never anything to do with me-
it usually lasts 1/2/3 years, sometimes just a few months.

then once contact is resumed, everything "carries on as normal"
but the last nc has lasted 2 years.

I know it sounds selfish but I would never trust her again, and to be honest don't want contact, just can't deal with the upheaval again.

I guess it's that with the last few years of my life, I feel so alone, a life spent doing my best for my children, yet looking back to be honest I wonder if it was worth it!!!!!!

[lynniep]

Im not articulate like Cogito but I'm replying because I do feel for you. My DSM (step mum) who just turned 70 (and who gained me as a DSD when I was 8), has two DD's, both a little bit older than me.

She has washed her hands of her youngest and did quite a few years ago now. She does not regret it - she feels like she has lost nothing. She said it was like a weight lifted when she finally made the decision to let go.

My DSM is what you would quite simply call a 'good' person. Someone who is generous, kind, caring, giving, thoughtful, helpful - I could go on but you get my drift. She is no pushover, she lives life to the full, and she still helps to care for the 'oldies' (and also gave respite care for sick children when she was younger)

The DD she no longer has contact with showed her true colours early on in life -she's a taker and always will be. I won't go into detail, but she treated DSM with contempt and took took took (the p*ss) on so many occasions. It took DSM about 35 years before she finally came to the conclusion that it would never change.
Her youngest DD is an adult with 3 of her own (adult) children, whom DSM still does keep in touch with but her DD rarely does -they were cared for by their other DGrandmother - sadly now passed away. She consistently made bad and selfish choices and still does - its just that DSM hears about it on the grapevine now.
Her other DD is just the opposite - she's just like her (our) mum. She is a decent human being who isn't perfect but tries to make the best choices as do I.

They (my DSM and DSS) are the only family I have left now (apart from my own little family unit!), and I am so grateful that I have them. Blood, in this case, is not thicker than water. DSM says she feels like she has still has two daughters, its just that one of them isn't the same one she gave birth to.

People are who they are - you can guide them but you can't mould them. You did your best but they are adults. Try and let go.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I feel so alone, a life spent doing my best for my children,"

In the process of doing the best for your demanding children have you let friendships/relationships slide, not taken up interests, neglected yourself socially? Is that why you feel alone?

[anditcametopass]

yes.
I have come to the conclusion that neither dc will ever change now, in their mid 40's and early 50's.

my dh has always said they are not at all like me.
he says I am kinder and more Christian like than Christians!!!!!!!!!
I did my best,
I guided,
advised,
supported,
yet just got kicked in the face every time from one or the other.

it's time to let go,
but so lonely!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Even Christians would use phrases like 'God helps those who help themselves'.... It's natural to want to help your DCs and show them unconditional love but being taken for granted only results in contempt, especially where money is concerned. It's not too late to change. You can still guide, advise and support but keep the cheque book closed and put the onus on them to solve their own problems.

As for being lonely.... you can't rely on DCs for companionship, that's something you have to create for yourself via a partner, friends and so on. What could you do to enhance that?

[anditcametopass]

i agree, it's not too late to change my sad thoughts on the past.

i am happy.
i have a loving dh, close friends,
live in a comfortable house,
no financial worries,
the sun is shining, and we are going for a walk on the beach.

I dislike clichés, but it is the elephant in the room that saddens me so much.
the total loss of my dc, and the mess they have made of their lives.
2 dc are not happy living on the other side of the world, but there is no option for them.
my lifelong friends have their children and grandchildren around them, and now,

feeling sorry for myself,
.
poor me,
enough self pity for today,
time for the elephant to disappear.

[4seasons]

People often turn out very differently in spite of having the same set of parents and the same opportunities . We all have some effect on our children but as they grow older and have their own experiences of life's up and downs this turns them into the sort of adults they eventually become . If you feel you have done your best for your children in the past when they were young then I think it is time that you started to think more about yourself, your enjoyment of life , your friends , your future . Try, as some other posters have suggested to disengage from the trauma of their lives . Sympathise and listen but let them sort out their own problems . I would try to organise and lead a busy life for yourself so that their problems don't stay the centre of your world and maybe the next time one of them finally contacts you after a long nc gap because they have issues you will be in a position to tell them you need to keep the conversation short as you have things to do ! At the moment they see you as a sounding board , someone to moan to who will try to solve their problems , not as an individual separate from them who might have their own interesting life to lead .
My sister cut all contact with my parents ( now both dead ) many years ago, much to everyone's relief ! High maintenance , demanding , always accusatory . Every couple of years I get a ranting , drunken phone call from her ( she lives abroad) and sit on the end of the phone and listen . I never offer anything other than a listening ear..... ever. The minute I get involved I know that she will invade my life in a negative way and I have decided that life is too short to allow it to be spoiled by someone so toxic.I tried in the past to help her and nothing was ever right so I have accepted that I can not do anything for her . I have disengaged and am a lot happier as a result . I suggest that you do the same . Treat it all as interesting but ultimately nothing to do with you ... because truly , it isn't .

[anditcametopass]

sad, but i feel that all 3 " invade my life in a negative way"
"treat it all as interesting", but it just isn't.
last night dd1 skyped and was sad/crying that she misses her 2ds's in the uk.
i sympathised with her, saying i understood how she felt.

then the words flowed from deep inside.

how did she think i felt all through the years with her and siblings fighting- as adults- with me in the middle?
the abusive behaviour i endured at their hands, trying to "keep the peace"
how i felt like the emotional punch bag for so many years.
she couldn't deal with mum being upset- not angry- just sad.
how she had totally excluded me from her life and gs's for years trying to appease her narcissistic abusive ex husband, and on and on.
she was so shocked she couldn't respond, and said she will Skype today.
but you know what,
i want a happy day.
don't want to hear from any of them

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Have you never said any of this before?

[anditcametopass]

8 years ago, dd1 was in a desperate situation,(homeless, penniless etc) i flew to her, to help.

she was truly sorry for all the hurt she had caused me over the years, constantly saying she was sorry.

but with that dilemma she was facing at the time, i accepted it, not wanting to make matters worse by saying,
you did this,
you did that etc.

but last night was basically the first time i expressed the sadness and turmoil she (let alone her siblings)had directly caused me over the years.
she was truly shocked.

i was left with all the past hell spinning around my head all night.
that was why i wrote my message on mumsnet looking for support/advice.

so now, instead of enjoying my day, i am wondering what her reaction will be.

realistically, i know i need to compartmentalise their issues, sometimes i can, but last night i couldn't.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Anyone who reads my posts will tell you that I am a firm believer in assertiveness within relationships. If you've always kept the peace, solved the problems, bailed them out and never actually told your DCs before that they are causing you distress - and if they are as self-absorbed as they sound - then it's no big surprise that they show you no respect.

It's not too late. They're grown-ups and they should be able to handle another grown up saying 'you've pissed me off' - even when that grown up is Good Old Mum. It will feel strange if you've never done it before and I'm sure you're nervous about the reaction. Don't let it put you off and please don't cave.

[anditcametopass]

thank you,
i have read many of your posts, and take heed of the contents!

no, in all the years i have never told them how the hell of their behaviour has made me feel.

actually, i feel like writing to each one (Maybe send it, maybe not) to tell them exactly how they have caused me so much distress/sleepless nights/tears and misery over the years.

3am calls to the samaritains in desperation, whichever one has kicked off.

yes, i have been "good old mum" for so long, it's like being an empty shell as far as they are concerned.

they have all been so busy, with their what about me issues, that they have never thought what about mum.

i have learned many lessons through mumsnet, which at this time in my life, are more essential than ever.

i am beginning to feel angry today, they are -presumably- getting on with their day, whilst i am attempting to make sense of their abominable behaviour to me and each other.