I don't know how to go forward

[qumquat]

I am with a wonderful partner who I realise now I am not in love with and don't fancy enough. See 'is settling always a bad thing?' Thread (answer-yes). We have a 4 month old and it has just hit me like a tidal wave that it isn't right. I want to be a good person as I love him so much, but I suffer from depression and anxiety and I'm not sure I could cope without him. Rents are such that I couldn't afford to live near him, and I feel wretched about depriving him of his daughter. I feel suicidal a lot as can't see a way forward. The last year has been genuinely happy and I thought I had finally committed so he, and I, am bewildered as to how I am feeling now. I don't want to be a bad person and want to do right by dp and dd. friends have suggested we live as friends as co parents at least for her first year, but will this not be torture for dp? He wants this too but I think because it gives him hope. I am a teacher and find work incredibly stressful so when I go back I know I will lean on him for help and not want to leave. I of course made a terrible mistake and I want to make things right, but how? Every way I look seems impossible. I hate myself for what I've done. I'm not sleeping even when dd does and feel I'm losing my mind. We work so well as a team - why can't this be enough?

[qumquat]

Sorry for lack of paragraphs!

[Hassled]

I don't think 4 months post-birth is ever a good time to make life-changing decisions. The hormones, the exhaustion, the reaction to the impact on your life of a baby - that's enough to be managing for now. Give it some time. You also sound like you could be suffering from PND and I think you need to talk to your GP to make sure your depression is being managed properly.

[vitaminC]

Agree with Hassled.
Get the depression under control and then you can start thinking about how to move forward!
Hugs to you

[Littlebme12]

Please be a bit kinder to yourself!

I suffered from depression through a pregnancy and it worsened after baby was born. The way you speak about the situation you are in sounds similar to the way I felt about things.

What helped me was to be reminded that i didn't need to make any urgent decisions or keep putting myself under pressure to have the situation resolved then and there( and it was Try and take a step back literally don't allow yourself to thinkwww.suzygreaves.com/the-big-peace/

[Littlebme12]

Sorry ignore that last link in the message!! Toddler alert!

I will start from my last paragraph

Try take a step back. When I looked at things it was

[Littlebme12]

Im so sorry.!

What i have been trying to say is try to stop the cycle that sometimes you can find yourself in of constantly going over things, finding no way out then panicking, feeling guilty, thinking theres no way out. For me it pulled me down to a place i almost didnt get back from.

Visit the gp speak if you need meds or a review if you are already taking some chat to health visitor, friends and family and get yourself in a better place. Your partner doesnt sound like he is putting any pressure on you so take a day at a time, concentrate on what you need to do and then when you start to feel better then think about the future.

I hope that makes sense. Its an awful place to be but you can get out of it. Take care of yourself.

[Tryharder]

DO NOT MAKE ANY MAJOR DECISIONS NOW!

Sorry for shouting but as others have said, 4 months post birth is a notoriously shit time.

You are hormonal, sleep deprived, you co parent rather than actually have a relationship....

I would put your relationship worries aside for the time being (as long as your DH is a good man) and concentrate on your lo. You may find that your outlook completely changes after 6 months or so.

[heyday]

Sounds like life is a bit overwhelming at the moment. Every teacher I know is feeling really stressed at the moment so you have all that to deal with on top of everything else. You have had some really good advice here and I would also reiterate, get some help from GP, take some time to get yourself strong and then you can deal with all the huge issues you have raised, with more clarity. One small step at a time.

[qumquat]

The thing is I will not calm down until a decision is made, that's how I roll. I have told him how I feel, he still loves me but I realise now I was living a lie. I can't even compute how awful things are going to get, but I can't see it working unless I can shut down my sexual side permanently

[qumquat]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I'm not set I deserve them, but thank you