Tell me how you cope with your DP's depression

[MistletoeBUTNOwine]

That really.
Dp newly diagnosed, but with hindsight has been going on for years. How do you cope with the irritability, mood swings, grumpiness, inability to follow things through, inconsistency?
And how do you explain it to dcs?

[mercibucket]

erm, badly? but await some better replies

personally i just look after myself. cant have both of us going under

[MeltedLolly]

this might not be useful for you if your DH isn't seeing a therapist.... but what I found very useful was to go along with DH to the odd therapy session, and lay my cards on the table, as it were. This helped as it gave the therapist concrete "goals" for my DH to work for in his therapy. It also helped me feel validated having someone else agree with me with something along the lines of "yes that must suck, all 3 of us must work together to change this". It also helped having a professional tell DH straight that certain behaviours were just not on, and depression or not, were not excusable.

[MistletoeBUTNOwine]

He's beginning therapy on Monday

[GemmaTeller]

By being very very patient and calm,
By buffering him from face to face situations he can't cope with,
By going to the doctors/CBT with him (even if its just to wait in the car for him)
By warding off the catastrophising he does which makes him worse.

By being self contained in myself and not letting him drag me down.

I have a very upbeat positive outlook on life and sometimes he can't understand why.

[MeltedLolly]

Mistletoe, I would suggest you go along with him to his therapy. Or maybe get your DH to ask if it would be ok if you attended the 2nd or 3rd session. That's pretty much what I (we) did. The initial period after the first time I went along, not much happened or changed on my end as initially they just worked on getting my DH out of the worst of his depression. After that his treatment turned more to changing his behaviours and learning new coping mechanisms (instead of moodswings, stone walling, being irritable and grumpy). I had a lot of involvement in that stage of his treatment.

I found it very useful and it was a good learning experience for me as well as him. His psychologist also gave me a list of don't s. Somethings that seem like a good idea when dealing with a depressed person, like the buffering that the poster above mentioned, are (according to my husband's psychologist) actually counter productive in the long run, so I learned (am still learning) not to do that anymore.

The very best to you both. And do absolutely look after yourself. One of the most useful things my husband's psych said to me was the old a.a line of "he is depressed but you must remember the 3c's - you didn't cause, you can't cure it, and you can't control it". It really felt like a weight off of my shoulders having a health care professional "take over" as it were.

[julieann42]

With my children I was honest even from an early age with telling them daddy wasn't well.

For him..supporting and protecting but also trying to encourage him, I find motivating him hard and can make me despondent.
I also found a hobby for me to do so I have something else to think about rather than just him. He doesn't socialise and I like to have some kind of life. I'm not out every night but needed ME time!

[pointythings]

Gemma has it - this is everything I do with my DH. Staying positive and not allowing him to give in to catastrophising are the two key things. He will go over his inner disasters over and over and over again - challenge them with reason and common sense every single time. Kindly, of course.

It is draining and wearing. DH is now much better than he has been, but we are currently in a very bad week with lots of work stress, and it is tough. I am exhausted. But it is worth it.

[livingzuid]

gemma has put it brilliantly. I'm on the other side with bipolar so dh is my main carer.

-makes sure i take my medication
-comes with me to appointments. And ensures I go
-protects me from certain situations that I find too stressful
-takes care of me when I am too sick to leave the house or retrieves me from difficult situations
-doesn't judge me or make me feel bad for being ill

It's a two way street. In return for his hard work I have to do my own which means listening to what my doctor says and doing it. A large part of mental health issues is self management. So I have responsibility too.

Also you need you time. And it's OK to say I am doing something for me today. It's important to take care of yourself and have space if you need it. Dh and I have discussed how he communicates this to me so I know he isn't being mean and it doesn't trigger any paranoia or anxiety.

It's hard work but we are very happy together. It can be done

[livingzuid]

Oh and identifying triggers to the behaviour you described in the op and both of you doing your best to avoid them by having plans and strategies in place.

As for telling dcs well we are expecting our first and we talked about what to say when she is old enough. We are just going to explain that mummy sometimes gets a bit unwell and daddy takes care of her but she will be fine and she is always there and loves her very much. I'm hoping to avoid all of that anyway. When she is older and able to understand and deal with it we will tell her the whole story.

[livingzuid]

Sorry forgot to say it depends on the age of your dcs. If they are teens then they may appreciate the full story rather than being kept in the dark.

[cestlavielife]

www.amazon.co.uk/Can-Catch-Like-Cold-Depression/dp/088776956X?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 is good starting point for discussion.

as well as the Matthew john tone books on black dog etc

www.amazon.co.uk/Matthew-Johnstone/e/B001IODNX8/ref=pd_sim_b_bl_3?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

do get support for yourself look up "depression fallout" anne Sheffield.

and ask GP to refer you to the NHS counsellor - it can be very useful to have some place for YOU to let off steam...

[heyday]

As a long term sufferer of depression I have learnt how much pain is caused by the illness, both to the sufferer and those who love them. My poor partner gets dumped every time I go through bad times of depression. He carries on with his life, doesn't take it personally, feels pain because I am hurting but quite simply doesn't put up with all the crap I often throw at him. He has his limits of what he will tolerate before he has to stick up for himself or put me straight. In London, the underground has a line called the Circle line which literally keeps going round in a loop. When I dump him he says he is waiting on the platform of the Circle line waiting for the train to come back round ie that once I am stronger I reconnect and we carry on our loving relationship. He has spent many years waiting on that platform and yes, the 'train' does always return eventually. I think that is a very sweet way of trying to cope. I also think that depression is a bloody nightmare really.

[cestlavielife]

heyday - good analogy but I am afraid you might like to let your p know that the circle line is no longer a loop....www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/road-and-rail-transport/6634696/Circle-Line-no-longer-a-loop-but-is-the-new-design-a-tadpole-bottle-or-yo-yo.html since 2009...