Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Asking someone out - please help, I'm useless!(49 Posts)
I've been single for a year now and I was with my ex for 19 years prior to that so I've been out of the dating game for a long time. I had no boyfriend before my ex so you can see why I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
BUT I like someone! This is great if only for the fact that it means I'm finally moving on and this in itself makes me feel so happy. I want to know if he likes me too and ask him out but I'm terrified of the rejection.
We work in the same place but not together. I see him everyday and I think he probably knows I like him. I've noticed him looking at me (or maybe I'm imagining it) and he quite often turns up where I usually am now too. But he doesn't speak to me, just whoever else is there (quite often behind me).
We work in a school and my last day before half term is Thursday. He may be out on a trip that day (not sure) and I was thinking of just giving him a note tomorrow with my number and asking him to text me if he's interested.
Is that too forward? Am I setting myself up to look like an idiot? Any other suggestions?
Please help. I turned 40 in November and am now thinking life is too short for missing out but I really am clueless at all this stuff!
I wouldn't give a note, but I would try to be more friendly and chat to him.
for example, who is he friends with? are you friends with them?
be approachable, and but don't stress yourself. if it doesn't work then it doesn't work, look around for more choices still.
agree no note, if you try and open up conversations, even just starting to say hi when you catch his eye means you'll be able to chat a bit more often over time, then you start talking about stuff you're getting up to at the weekend, stuff you llike and plant ideas where you can mention drinks...
No note. Could make things awkward if he is totally not interested. Just smile at him, or compliment something, or ask him about something simple to break the ice. "Do you have the time"? "Did you hear about <some news sports item>"
Speak to him today. "What are you up to over half-term then?" Friendly chat, lots of smiles. Remember what he says. When you're back at school after the break, make a point of asking him "So how did [half-term activity] go? Did you enjoy it?". Take it from there (assuming the reply to "what are you up to over half-term" isn't "taking the wife and kids camping"!)
Are you friends with anyone else at school? Maybe a BBQ or drinks for some of you and invite him along?
I'm crap at the dating thing also so would avoid the note & number thing, mainly for feeling awkward if he didn't contact
Talk to him! And when you get chatting, say 'I'd love to hear more - maybe we should get a coffee/pint sometime'. And there you go....
having done the note thing a couple of times before (well, e-mail rather than a note), I wouldn't recommend it unless it's the only option. IME men usually do reply as they are flattered, bt it never led anywhere bar one coffee date. One guy terned out to be married but didn't say so immediately and arranged to meet up, only to let me down at the last minute saying the wife might not like it! <so why the heck didn't you say you were married at once!>. Another guy I did meet up with but he then expected more initiative from me, and that wasn't my plan.
Having said, all of these attempts were towards guys I wouldn't have to see again if they rejected me - and it was the only way to approach them.
Do you know if he's single, Op? if so, yo may have a good chance as he is hovering around you. Maybe he's shy. I agree that try to chat to him first about the half term, and see how he responds. If he's clearly happy that you are talking to him, great - if he sounds a bit distant and doesn't suggest anything or at least ask you questions too, then probably not interested.
But I so understand you - I usually have no patience with all the drawn out build-up, all the guessing, if I like someone! In a way so much simpler to just ask him out, but unfortunately it's not the best way, with some exceptions.
Oh no don't do that it's way too forward. Are you and him on FB at all, perhaps you could try it that way?
I actually asked out my wife for the first time via a passed note - I was a teacher and she was using the school as part of community outreach (social work). She read the note and quickly nodded and called me later that night. We've been married 16 years now.
I don't know why everyone else is being so negative on the note part - as a man, I would be flattered and think it is adorable.
Justa Dad, I agree that it's not 'too forward' if both people are shy, it's just that it's more risky regarding rejection - you were lucky but the person you ask may be not single or not interested - at least by chatting first you can gauge what response is likely. But if someone is thick-skinned enough (in case of rejection), I'd say it's absolutely fine! If they are interested, they won't be put off by the note - or any other approach really.
Talk to him but have a plan!!
1. Enagage - hi, (smile!) its rob/dave/mr darcy etc isn't it?
2. Lead him towards the mantrap - What are you up to over the half term?
3. Snap that trap shut! No matter what he says, you say 'oh i'm at a loose end, do ya fancy meeting up for a coffee and a natter?'
4. Drag his wounded body to your lair - he will say yes, (trust me he will, even if he doesn't mean it!) Say 'ok, take my number and call me'
5. Enjoy your kill wait for him to call/text, have a great time.
Feel free to pad this out with smalltalk smiles etc but in my experience it is a mistake to remove any clothing or cling onto his arm really tightly at this stage in proceedings. Do not under any circumstances end this encounter by saying 'i think I'm in love with you'!
If he doesn't call then he just isn't into you, nothing ventured nothing gained.
So how did you get on? Did you seize the day?
Got any plans this weekend?
Are you sure he is single? That would be my first port of call which can be easily found out in casual conversation. Once that is clear, just ask if he would like to meet up for a drink one evening.
Well nothing happened. The difficulty is that he's a support TA and is always with his charge, including lunchtime which is when I see him so there is no opportunity to talk to him.
Part of my job (I have two roles in school) is midday stuff and I'm based with his year group to begin with then outside. When I go into his class I smile and have tried to say hi but he makes a big deal of not making eye contact but I know he watches me and I've definitely seen him looking directly at me.
Outside, as I've said, recently he's been coming outside and chatting but not to me. This week I was in a different area and he came out, headed up to where I usually am then came back down about 5 minutes later.
last week I was in the staff room at break and he came in, came over to where I was sitting and was about to speak then walked away, read the notice board and left.
today was wet lunchtime so I was in his class the whole hour. I was going round, supervising and chatting to the kids. Had a chat with the boy he supports. Plenty of opening for him to join in but he kept his eyes glued on his work. Turned around 10 minutes later and he was looking right at me again.
I'm fairly certain he's single so that's not the issue. I'm nothing special to look at and am generally invisible to men so I know this isn't me being big headed.
my question now is do you think he actually likes me from his behaviour? Is he shy? Or completely uninterested? And do I now take to Facebook and ask him?
is he 19 ? he sounds extremely shy to me. I think a note would work with someone like this, as he's scared of any chat !
Why don't you just start chatting on one of the occasions he comes over near you? You know the children he works with, which gives you a perfect opening, (a shared interest which is natural and not embarrassing). I really think that just making friends with him would be a good first step, and it seems like you have plenty of chances. Can't you just pretend to forget that you fancy him, and imagine that he is just an interesting human whom you would like to know better.
My DH was incredibly shy and never believed anyone would be interested. I really liked him and (with the aid of alcohol admittedly!) asked him if he was married/with someone. When he said no, I asked him if he would like to go out for a drink sometime. He said yes and texted me the following morning!
I had emphasised that if he wasn't interested then that was no bother, and admittedly I was at a point in my life where my self confidence could take and rationalise a knock back.
It was the best thing I ever did.
One life - live it
I always ask myself "what is the worst thing that could happen if it doesn't go to plan?"
In this case, he would be flattered but not interested. You can both have a bit of a laugh about it and life goes on. If he mentioned it to colleagues you can hold your head up high and tell them that you believe in making your own opportunities/luck in life and secret I suspect they will be seriously impressed!
I just think it seems a bit forced to ask someone out when you haven't really had a casual chat. I know people do it, but I would feel it is more natural for teenagers in a bar, than for TAs in a school, who can build up a bit of a friendship quite naturally, (if they just forget about the pressure of dating / not dating).
Just speak to him, you're bad as one another ;)
Clara makes a good point about chatting first actually. I don't want to frighten the poor bloke to death! Or kill any future chance I may have by putting him off before he even knows me.
I just know I'm going to go nuts thinking about it over half term now!
It sounds like he is working his way around to talking to you. He might be shy and you will just scare him off if you are too forward. Let him do his dance and see where it leads. Don't rush him. If he wants to see you romantically then he will eventually make you aware of his feelings. If you try to rush this then he may just back off completely. I think you need to wait till after half term and see what happens then.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.