met a great guy but I don't fancy him

[KidsDontThinkImCool]

I've been divorced a couple of years, done a bit of dating off and on - met one guy I really fell for and he ended it, another guy I saw for a while who I liked but found him too needy & insecure so I ended it. Gave the whole dating thing a miss for a while after that but finally decided to go back online.

So last week I met a really nice guy. I've only seen him twice so far and for all intents and purposes he is exactly what I'm looking for. He's smart, reasonably attractive, good job. Went to his place tonight and had a really nice time. Intellectually we are on exactly the same wavelenght - it was probably the most engaging conversation I've had with another human being in a long time!

But when we finally kissed, well, I just felt nothing. There's nothing particularly about him physically that I don't like - I just did not enjoy kissing him. It felt nice to have a mans arms around me but I really could not imagine doing anything more with him. I know he likes me and I feel like such an idiot for not liking him more. Men like him seem to be few and far between in these parts - at least the single ones! What do I do? Do i give it some more time and see or do I have to just trust my gut and know it cna't go any further?

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

I would give it another go. As you said he seems perfect in every other way. If after another date or two, kissing him is still the same and you find yourself still feeling less than excited then end it. Ive found that sometimes people grow on me even though i wasnt instantly attracted.

[beaglesaresweet]

hmm, I'd say trust your gut. One thing is just having the neutral or 'not sure' feeling, another as you say 'not enjoying kissing' at all and you can't imagine doing anything else. It could be that you've kissed too soon, but it's kind of hard to go back now. Away from online dating it can happen sometimes that you get to know and love someone as a friend and then fall for them, but sadly online it has to move quickly - unless you both agree to be friends for a while, not easy if he's keen.

You talk about intellectual connection - but do you actually LIKE him as a person, does he make you smile? intellect isn't everything, you can have that with a colleague.

[Smokinmirrors]

He sounds a bit too bright for you. Send him my way.

[Merel]

It doesn't have to happen on the first date like in the movies. I would give him a chance if he ticks all the boxes. If isn't a grower though, then try not to waste too much of his time or yours.

Hope you have some success soon though OP, whether it is this lucky man or the next :)

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Definitely move on rather than trying to find a spark where there is none just because he seems right on paper. It's always a pity but I think it's a recipe for relationship disaster to take on someone who is 90% thinking you can either change or tolerate the missing 10% over time.

[MadBusLady]

I am dubious about the "give it time" thing. Have you ever had anyone slowly grow on you before? Really think about this. It is not universal. And if you do decide to give it time, don't make it too long and get sucked into an affection-based relationship.

[Blueuggboots]

If you're not really excited by him physically immediately, I wouldn't bother.
I met a really really nice bloke, but kissing him was like kissing a wet fish.
My rule in life? If they make your pants tingle and your heart sing, you're onto a winner.

[rainbowfeet]

Arghhh op .. I'm in exactly the same position as you.. Posted last night just before our 2nd date!!

Had a lovely evening, chatted all night really lovely guy but when it came to saying goodbye I just didn't feel drawn to kissing him & I can't imagine if I will at any point. I could kick myself because I've had years of dating utter arse's but of course silly me if they seem to be the ones I'm most attracted to.

I was thinking of hypnotherapy to get out if this cycle!! Send me a nice guy who is keen & attentive & I find him boring but send me an arrogant player who swaggers around picking me up & dropping me when it suits him & I'm hooked!!

[LucyLocketX]

I'm in this position too. Only had one date so far so think I need to give it another try. Online dating is hard!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I've lost track of the number of threads on this board that go something like..... 'I love my DH dearly but our sex life has never been very good and now it's non-existent. We're good friends but nothing more. A hot new intern just started at work and I'm so sexually frustrated that I'm seriously tempted. What should I do?'

Answer.... if you're with someone who is already physically disappointing after a few dates, don't take it any further just because they are a nice man.

[Quitelikely]

Going against the majority here but can I tell you that sometimes when we wish for something and get it, it's like duh so not exciting! Well some love starts of with a bang and some love starts as a slow burner!

You have got everything (almost) that you wanted so try and carry on for a bit p

[Quitelikely]

Posted too soon.

Longer. You never know. Is your history with relationships good? Or did you always go for the wrong type? He may well be your right type.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's not an 'either or' though, is it? There's no rule says that 'great sex = terrible person' and 'lack of spark = great person'. It is possible to get physical attraction, decency and love in the same package.

[kalidanger]

I've been in the same boat. Went on five (5!) dates with some poor bastard but just couldn't find the spark. I even got really drunk and went to an hotel with him as I thought that I could force myself but still nothing. Had the 'lets be friends' talk and he acknowledged that I'd tried :o

And the drunk/hotel thing wasn't exactly decent behaviour on my part as by then I was thinking "Well, I don't fancy him but perhaps if I think of him as a ONS then it'll flow from there" I really messed him about and I wouldn't do that again. I would cut to the friends chat a lot earlier.

[KidsDontThinkImCool]

Blueuggboots the feeling was definitely more wet fish than tingling pants. Fuck.

I definitely don't think a second date is too soon for a kiss. A week ago I was desperate for a good snog! The rest of the evening was so enjoyable - he cooked me a nice dinner & he has this amazing hi fi system and 100s of records (actual vinyl) and we sat there listening to records and talking about music and travelling and politics and a bit of everything really. But when it came down to it it just felt a bit - blech. God, I know that's bad. I'd quite like to have him as a friend, but he told me how much he fancies me and I can't just string him along. But then it's back to bad coffee dates with boring men with bad teeth.

[KidsDontThinkImCool]

And Cogito I agree - I still have some hope that it doesn't have to be either or! The guy I saw for a while that I really fancied wasn't amazingly hot or anything, we just clicked on a very emotional level. And he was a decent guy. Sadly, he didn't quite feel the same.

[kalidanger]

Additionally to that - I didn't think of myself being in a position to be terribly picky either. But I realised that's got nothing to do with it - I can't settle. That's an insane notion, for myself and for anyone I was involved with. That experience helped me clarify some things about myself; I might be terminally single (apparently) but im not desperate and cruel.

[kalidanger]

Hah 'kidsdontthinkimcool' - it's doubly a shame to meet a grown up who thinks you're cool but not fancy him :o

Is he head-over-heels for you? Can you make a friendship instead?

[KidsDontThinkImCool]

kali lol at your story! But point taken So hard to have that lets be friends chat with someone you know really likes you.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

So keep looking. No, you can't be just friends with someone who has declared they fancy you already. It's unfair on them.

I think the trouble with 'dating' is that there are a lot of unspoken expectations and it's therefore a very artificial set-up where you're forced to make yes/no choices quite quickly. If you prefer to click on an emotional level, you might be better off meeting men in situations where you can get to know them without the prospect of imminent nookie hovering over your shoulder like that guy in the Monty Python sketch ... so is he up for it? nudge-nudge wink-wink?

[kalidanger]

It is hard. And it does feel like a 'waste' when one is dating with intent, if you will. But it's the Good and Right thing to do and we have to do that to expect it in return.

All that vinyl though...

[KidsDontThinkImCool]

Cogito you're so right about the dating thing. I actually really detest 'dating' as such - online or otherwise. I miss the days when I could get to know people over time and THEN if I fancied them a bit, see about getting more romantic/intimate. But when you're working in a small office and spend much of your free time running around after kids and none of your friends are single it's so hard to meet anyone.

[Twinklestein]

Personally I would find it hard to feel anything for anyone after only 2 dates. I would just feel like I didn't know them.

When I first met my husband I found his physical appearance really attractive, but I didn't feel comfortable starting to date him until I'd got to know him. To be honest I think if I'd kissed him after 2 dates I may well have felt exactly the same as you OP, notwithstanding the fact I thought he was attractive.

[beaglesaresweet]

Twinkle, that's what I meant by OP kissing too soon - you say Op that you don't think it's too soon, but then contradict this by saying that you prefer to get to know people first then may start fancying them. I think this actually happens to most women, not that many go for that instant 'fancy' feeling, as it can be horribly misleading.

How often do you fancy someone but once you go to bed - or indeed get to know him properly , it disappears? Often, for many.

But otoh you have to find him pleasant to look at and his touch pleasant enough (even socially) to have a chance of future string sttarction! if you don't, and you flinch, then no time or intellectual connection will change that.