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Emotional affair I can not get over

(36 Posts)
justcantforgetit Tue 13-May-14 12:09:09

In a nutshell, 1 year ago I found intimate photos from DH's phone, I confronted him and he confessed that he had been exchanging photos with another woman. He had deleted everything but they were on a back up but not what he had sent her which he conveniently can't remember. He can't remember what he sent, how many times it happened or anything he said to her, only the photos remain so I don't know anything of what was said between them. He promises me that things never went further and due to working, etc. I believe that to be true.
I felt destroyed, he really is the last person I would have expected this from, he has been a great husband and I can't put into words how shocked I and the two other people I confided in were. TBH I think my friends convinced me to stay and work things out. We have a young DD.
A while after this, I found out he had been messaging someone else and again sending pictures. The worst thing is this time I found the messages where he was telling this woman things about me, things that were not true (and ridiculous) she was obviously conscious about her body and he was telling her how wonderful she was, even going as far as saying I was 2 clothes sizes bigger than I was. She asked about me and he lied to her saying we had no physical relationship and she was better than me in many ways. Again, I confronted him and he said it was just silly and harmless fun.
If I have caught him out twice I'm starting to doubt how many others there have been.
Has anyone been through anything like this? I just can't comprehend his behaviour, he is a very loving and kind person, things I have read you honestly would not think were from the same person, its like a complete alter-ego.
I've struggled with what happened the first time as its someone I know and the more time passes the angrier I get and I really want to confront her about it. I can't help but think that one could well have gone further. I'm heartbroken because I love him and I thought he loved me. I really don't know what to do as I feel I need to know exactly what went on but all I get from him is 'I can't remember'.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Tue 13-May-14 12:15:53

Your relationship is dead my dear, sorry.

wrapsuperstar Tue 13-May-14 12:17:51

I don't really know where to begin.

Not sure if this even qualifies as an 'emotional affair' -- I always thought EAs were defined as friendships that were far too close and emotionally intimate, to the exclusion of a person's chosen partner. Not sending dirty pics. That just sounds like the beginnings of a bog-standard grubby affair to me. Perhaps I am wrong.

The fact that he has done this twice in a year suggests he isn't likely to change any time soon, especially with his disinterest in attempting to explain himself and talk it through. Of COURSE he remembers exactly what he has said and done and how he found his way into these situations. Of course he does. You know this.

There are very many layers of betrayal here, and like you I would be so desperately hurt by his choice to discuss your looks, size and sex life with this random other. It's utterly cruel and shows a serious lack of respect for you. That, coupled with the fact that this is not a one-off, would give me serious doubts as to whether anything is salvageable here (assuming you don't want to just swallow his perpetual disregard for you with a big smile).

The absolute only way you should entertain trying to move on and stay in this relationship is with full disclosure, which he just isn't so far willing to give. Even then, do you think you will ever feel (emotionally) safe in this situation and respected by this man?

justcantforgetit Tue 13-May-14 12:20:04

Thank you both.
I do know this and this is what causes my frustrations sad angry

Jan45 Tue 13-May-14 12:22:26

He's not going to stop pissing all over your relationship, he's been looking and still is looking whilst keeping you quiet with: I can't remember!

Seriously gather up what is left of your self esteem and show him the door, you should have done it the first time you found out.

No, he doesn't love you, he loves himself more.

shitatusernames Tue 13-May-14 12:22:45

He is not a loving and kind partner if he's sending pictures to other women, I would be devastated if my husband done this, do you want to live your life wondering if he's doing it again? I wouldn't.

justcantforgetit Tue 13-May-14 12:23:59

My major issue here is the children. My older ones from a previous marriage have already been through an awful time and the thought of upheaval again for them is unthinkable.
Realistically I know the relationship is over and I recognise that I'm in a 'put up and shut up' situation here, just wondered if anyone had experience and found some kind of way forward.

MargotThreadbetter Tue 13-May-14 12:28:14

Getting away from this arsehole should be a priority. Why should you 'put up and shut up'?
Surely it's a better example to your kids to have standards and self respect?
Kids adjust and are very resilient. Do the right thing and don't be a mug.

wrapsuperstar Tue 13-May-14 12:29:44

What Margot said.

The only possible way forward, short of leaving him, is if he were truly sorry and wanted to work through this. But he doesn't seem to, does he?

Jan45 Tue 13-May-14 12:30:43

The only way forward is to move on without him.

AnyFucker Tue 13-May-14 12:31:55

Why are you still with him

Dump the sexually incontinent tosser

How does your skin not crawl right off your body when you look at him ?

Stop using your kids as an excuse to stay with him, where is your self respect ?

AnyFucker Tue 13-May-14 12:34:16

Alternatively, open your relationship properly on both sides, then there is no more deceit. (Although tbh, it sounds like he is bothering less and less with hiding his activities from you...think what direction that is going in)

he can trawl for his skanky pics and slag you off to whomever he likes

And you might just find a bloke that respects women

justcantforgetit Tue 13-May-14 12:48:51

Thank you all for your advice x

Roseflowers Tue 13-May-14 13:02:38

I'm sorry this has happened to you, I recently found out my partner doing the same thing. It's such an awful feeling, especially when they brush it off as 'just a bit of fun', or 'It was nothing, I didn't even really think about it', as mine said. Like you, I was shocked and no one else who knows us could believe it, he was so loving and affectionate. It's basically been the last straw in destroying my faith in men because even the lovely, genuine seeming ones are at it. Our relationship is now over. When this has happened with previous boyfriends etc, I've stayed with the person in question but the constant doubt and anger has always been there. It's up to you if you can live with that really, especially as he doesn't seem to be incredibly apologetic about it. So sorry this has happened to you

wrapsuperstar Tue 13-May-14 13:04:52

Oh just it's a horrible bloody situation. The force of people's responses is not an attack on you, not at all. Quite the opposite -- everyone here is fervently advocating for you, because it is so clear from your posts that you are a woman who is suffering undeservedly.

Take the support you can find here and try and shore up some strength to face the future, whatever that may be. I believe you deserve much better and could be a much happier person than you are right now. flowers

justcantforgetit Tue 13-May-14 13:05:01

Thank you Roseflowers x

LittleTurtle Tue 13-May-14 13:09:50

I have to say, that you are a subject of discussion, especially your description and things like your dress size, that grates on me. Possibly even more than a bored husband trying to get away from the humdrum with some flirty messages.

magoria Tue 13-May-14 13:12:55

He has only admitted what you can prove.

You have no way of knowing if this is all he has done or the only times.

You need to get an STI test working on a worse case scenario.

He has no reason to stop. You find out, get pissed off, it is forgotten. He carries on
You find out...

The only way he will stop is if he thinks he will lose you (assuming he cares).

Get rid. He is untrustworthy and does not respect you.

struggling100 Tue 13-May-14 13:18:24

He sounds pathetic and weak, and dependent on attention from other women. And I don't believe he'll change.

However charming he is to you at home, he is still capable of doing this repeatedly. I know it's a difficult message, but you need to get out.

Puzzledandpissedoff Tue 13-May-14 13:29:45

He can't remember what he sent, how many times it happened or anything he said to her

How very convenient, and I'm so sorry to hear what's happened - your story is incredibly similar to mine, except that like a fool it took me far too long to realise what I've got to do

If you remain with him your life will become a mindbending torture of wondering where he is, who he's calling/texting, what he's doing on the computer, who he's meeting and much, much more. Everything you think you know will be only a fraction of the whole and each time you'll die a little more inside, knowing it will never end and your peace of mind is gone

Please, don't do this to yourself - take all the time you need to put proper arrangements in place for yourself and the children, but always remember that now, the only person to think of in this partnership is YOU

yorkierocks123 Tue 13-May-14 14:31:36

My DH has constantly done this sort of thing throughout our 10 year marriage. For reasons I won't go into on here I have (had to) stayed with him.

You will get to a point where it won't bother you. Fairly quickly really.

Is this anyway to live your life? Probably not.

If you don't feel you can get over it then go with that feeling it's telling you something!!!!

Fontella Tue 13-May-14 16:27:21

I found the messages where he was telling this woman things about me, things that were not true (and ridiculous) she was obviously conscious about her body and he was telling her how wonderful she was, even going as far as saying I was 2 clothes sizes bigger than I was. She asked about me and he lied to her saying we had no physical relationship and she was better than me in many ways. Again, I confronted him and he said it was just silly and harmless fun.

That part of your post - right there - is what would send me ballistic. I would kick his arse so hard (out of the fucking door) he wouldn't be able to walk for a week.

Not only is this pathetic excuse for a man sending pictures of himself to other women he is also discussing you, belittling you, denigrating you, lying about you. If I was in your shoes I would go abso-fucking-lutely berserk.

And then, and then (I'm get angry just writing this) - when you confront him, does he apologise, beg forgiveness ... no he tells you it was just 'silly and harmless fun'. I would kick the fucker again just for that response.

Fun? Fun to discuss intimate details of your wife, her body, her sex life ... with some bint he's met on the internet.

As for 'put up and shut up' - you have one life .. do you really want to live it with a pathetic arsehole like this, just keeping quiet while he sends pictures of his bits to other women (and gawd knows what else, because you can bet there's a lot more to it than what he's told you and what you've managed to discover yourself), runs you down, slags you off, discusses your sex life ... and then tells you it's a bit of harmless fun?

Jan45 Tue 13-May-14 16:32:50

Fontella, again, that's it in a nut shell. In this instance the use of bad language is very much required.

Fontella Tue 13-May-14 16:40:28

Apologies for the swear words but I am fuming on the OP's behalf.

I thought my ex was bad, but some of the stuff I read on here just astounds me sometimes.

'Silly and harmless fun' Just reading that makes my blood boil!

I'm off for a lie down ....

Jan45 Tue 13-May-14 16:47:51

Me too Fontella, the crap women seem to think they have to accept is unbelievable and yet I bet if there were no kids involved they'd be off like a shot.

OP, `I can't remember` translates into let's brush it under the carpet like the time before (so I can carry on with my seedy double life) but don't worry, I'll be dropping another bombshell on you very soon.

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