Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Really confused about feelings toward new relationship(107 Posts)
I am in the midst of a bit of a whirlwind romance with a guy I met a month ago.
We met on a night out (rare for me as I am a single mum to a young DD) and hit it off straight away - great chemistry, instant attraction, loads in common etc. We have spent a lot of time together, pretty much all our spare time - he will often come over to mine after work and spend weekends together. He has already met my DD, he is great with her.
The thing is, he is very full on. He is very charming, has already told me he loves me, wants a family with me, has even bought a car seat for me DD so we can go on trips together in his car (I don't drive), starting leaving things at my house like toothbrushes, toiletries (he did this within a few days). I do really like him but don't think that I could honestly say that I love him as it is too soon but feel pressure when he tells me he loves me. I also don't really believe him when he says he loves me as he doesn't know me that well in the time we have known each other.
I took part in quite a big sporting event just over a week ago - it took a lot out of me, I was exhausted. He wanted me to go out and meet his friends later that evening and I explained I was too shattered and said that I would prefer just to spend the night alone at my home. He got very upset, accusing me of blowing hot and cold and implied that I should make more effort to meet his friends. I remember him suggesting the evening out with his friends and I said then that I would have to play it by ear as I didn't know how I would feel after my event but he worded it on the day as though it was definitely going ahead. Also immediately after the event when we got to his all I wanted to do was collapse and relax but he asked me to help him with clearing up around the kitchen. I was a bit put out by this. Its not like it is my kitchen or my mess. Another occasion I explained I have a long standing plan to meet up with a friend on a Sunday in a few weeks time (this was arranged before I met him) and he said why would I want to meet with my friend when we should spend time together.
I feel really in two heads about this. I do really like him, he is really nice (sometimes I think he might be too nice, too good to be true) and am waiting for the "but" to appear. But I have also been burnt lots of times and am second guessing myself - am I just self destructing and pushing away a really nice guy... I have told him repeatedly that I want to take things slower but he still keeps coming out with these lines about how much he wants me etc.
I suppose I am worried about making the wrong decision either way, either that I dump him and he turns out to have been a great partner or stay with him and he turns into a control freak.
Thanks for reading and any advice would be greatly received!
He is a manipulative and controlling arse. There are so many red flags in your post I dont know where to begin!
GET. THE. HELL. OUT. NOW!
Do not go on for a single more day with him. The redflags were there from your first sentence.
I didn't even read it line for line, scanning it was enough.
The reaction after the event you was the proof you needed.
Bin him. This is an abusive relationship in it's infancy.
It doesn't sound good to me. Too much too soon. It sounds like you are being pressurised into doing things that you don't want to. That is only going to get worse and he will only get more controlling.
Right now you should be in the honeymoon stage, just enjoying each others company. The fact that you have these concerns shows that there is something wrong.
I'm sorry, for your DD's sake please do not let this man take over your life.
I think you have already found the 'but' in your relationship.
It's easy to get swept up in whirlwind romances especially if you've got loads in common and there's great chemistry. It's also wonderful meeting someone who seems so into you, but, it is a bit full on and it's only been one month.
He seems controlling and that doesn't bode well for the future.
He doesn't seem to appreciate that you have your own life and commitments. I'd be wary of someone who gets upset at you wanting to meet a friend.
Cool off for a bit, and he might get the message that he also needs to cool it down. If he doesn't then maybe you've had a lucky escape.
But ultimately you only met one month ago and to have doubts at such an early stage is actually a good things, might prevent future pain.
He's NEVER going to be a good partner. He can't be.
Make the decision with confidence.
Can someone link to 'The Loser' by Dr Joe Carver?
You are waiting for the "but" to appear.
Well, the "but" is well and truly out.
WAY too much too soon.
A decent guy would take things at your pace (and much slower in the first place)
Not respecting your boundaries is a massive issue (for starters) which is not going to get any better.
Agree with quintessentially about the red flags. All over the place.
Making you his maid:
he asked me to help him with clearing up around the kitchen. I was a bit put out by this. Its not like it is my kitchen or my mess.
Different attitudes towards friends:
Another occasion I explained I have a long standing plan to meet up with a friend on a Sunday in a few weeks time (this was arranged before I met him) and he said why would I want to meet with my friend when we should spend time together.
He got very upset, accusing me of blowing hot and cold and implied that I should make more effort to meet his friends.
Yes to this:
* I also don't really believe him when he says he loves me as he doesn't know me that well in the time we have known each other.*
It has been a month and wide cracks are already showing up. Go, go, go
Got half way through your post and started saying no , no , no. Just no.
Practise saying no.
Perhaps this the way that he conducts his relationships but it's much too intense for you. People are all different. Perhaps it's best to sit down with him and gently explain some of the issues that are making you feel uncomfortable, just as you have done here with us. Explain that you need to take things more slowly and see what his reaction is. Just step back a bit, stand your ground and see how it develops..... That way you won't have to make any major decision just yet, which you may later regret. Time will tell and things will become clearer to you over the next few months if you decide to continue in the relationship.
He sounds like an arse to me. I'd run away fast !
Who's betting he flips out and goes batshit crazy when OP dumps him?
He is already starting the control...it is a long slippery slope that will end with you totally isolated from your own friends and family.
There are lots of threads about men like this. I'd get out right now.
He's trying to control you after one month?!!! Make your excuses and leave. Please! He'll probably be hard to get rid of but be strong, tell RL friends what is going on if he harasses you and tell him to (politely at first) to fuck off!!
Urgh! My ex was a bit like this - a fucking cling on - when I dumped him he cried, told me his sob story, threatened, you name it he tried it. Get rid now while it's still easy to.
massive waving red flags all over the place
Get him the fuck away from your children. You don't even know this man. What the hell do you think you are doing ?
Have a read here OP
Your creepy new boyfriend is in those pages. Wake the fuck up.
This is not a really nice guy.
Notice how he's not interested in how you feel, just wants you to follow his agenda and kicks up if you don't ? That's low or no empathy, in action. And a big dose of control.
You says it looks too good to be true. You're right....it IS too good to be true. All the charm, apparently hitting it off, rushing to be a family unit, ignoring your wishes, meeting your DD after a month (!!) ...it's fake, it's manipulative, and it's trouble. These are the ingredients which hook good, trusting people into controlling relationships.
Your OP shows you already sense something's wrong. Please heed your instincts.
And when you dump this man, expect crying, anger, threats, remorse, then repeat - crying, anger, threats, remorse....the cycle of regaining control used by this sort of person.
Been there, got the T shirt.
Sorry OP but the red flags are all over your post. He's a control freak who's found his next victim.
Your post reads like a textbook of how an abusive relationship starts. Please, please heed the words of these wise ladies. It so easy to be flattered by the attention and just go along with it all, but don't! You're already starting to doubt yourself. Get rid. You will regret it if you don't.
How could you let him get involved with your dd after only a month? Wake up. Massive parenting fail. Then dump the controlling loser.
"I have told him repeatedly that I want to take things slower but he still keeps coming out with these lines about how much he wants me etc. "
Agree with everything said upthread.... If you're still waiting for the 'but' you've only to read that statement. He doesn't respect your opinion or your feelings in the slightest. It is definitely text-book for the early days of a bad relationship, even the charming and full-on part. Sorry but you'd be daft to continue
you are not being considered here, it's all about him and how to get you to do what he wants. all. the. time.
i agree with everyone else. dtmfa.
There are more red flags here than a Communist party committee meeting.
End this as of now with him. You've been targeted here (yes targeted, some men do like single mothers because they think they are so desperate for male company regardless of how crap they actually are) by a controlling man who has moved in on you not just to say your child
far too quickly. He shows all the signs of being a Loser in relationship terms.
What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?.
I would also look into counselling for your own self as your boundaries could be skewed anyway particularly if you have had a poor relationship history to date.
I would also say that introducing this man to your child after just 4 weeks was a massive fail on your part as well; this also indicates to me a complete lack of boundaries when it comes to relationships. You barely know each other but the warning signs are there and you ignore these at your peril.
He needs to be gone from your life NOW.
Join the discussion
Please login first.