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Married but think I'm gay

(351 Posts)
SuddenRealisation Mon 12-May-14 16:56:56

Happily married for almost 10 years, I have 3 DC. Dh is my best friend and we get along great (most of the time! Same as any married couple)

A bit of history.. I lost my virginity to a female friend in college and we dated for a while. After we broke up I dated a (rather annoying) guy for 2 weeks and had my first sexual experience with a man..
A while later, just before turning 18 I got together with a female friend I had a major crush on and we dated for about 2.5 years, we lived together at uni too..

All this time I hid my lesbian relationships from my parents. They suspected at times and asked questions, I always adamantly denied it as I felt their disapproval and was terrified to tell the truth.

I had thought we would be 'life partners' and be together forever.. In the end I couldn't deal with the guilt of hiding it all and kind of sabotaged my relationship with my girlfriend by cheating with my ex gf. She forgave me but I still had the guilt so called it off anyway.

I went home and cried for a long time. I just couldn't do it.

After that I had a period of self destruction where I had lots of one night stands with men and short relationships.

I couldn't deal with the apparently gay side of me and even rang the Samaritans on one occasion, feeling suicidal.

It was around this time I think I consciously or maybe semi subconsciously made a decision I wasn't going to date women anymore. I was just going to be with men, a lot simpler and I didn't have to worry about what my parents thought of me.

Before dating anyone though, I decided to be by myself for a while to get to know me without any distractions.

About 6 months later I went out for a drink with friends and had a great time with one particular friend of a friend. He is now my husband, we got together that night, I have never felt so safe and at home in a mans arms before.
He was kind, funny, attentive, a lovely guy.

Fast forward to now. I struggle with our sex life, libido is infrequent.. Has been from the start really (apart from the first few months, honeymoon period and all that). I have bouts of depression and wondering whether I belong in this life.

I have barely thought about women at all up until very recently. I seem to have come to a sudden realisation that I do like/miss women and that I've been burying that deep inside and ignoring it all this timeconfused

Incidentally, I have no contact with my (toxic) parents these days.

Sometimes when I get a moment to myself (not very often!) I think of myself back then and have a little cry. I wonder what life would have been like if I had been brave enough to choose that path.

Now I feel as if I just have to carry on as I am. Too many people to get hurt. Helps to say it out loud to someone though.

Please excuse any typos, on my phone.

SuddenRealisation Fri 16-May-14 21:24:48

Thanks Mango.. For now I'm just practicing saying it to myself (in my head) to try and get used to the idea..

One thing that helped was something I read on a random site. I asked myself, if I could go on a date with a lovely man or a lovely lady, which would I choose? I tried lots of combos of men and women who I think are attractive. I concluded that, although I do think some men are attractive, I don't actually find them sexually attractive. So I appreciate their looks and their personality, but, looking at them, my mind doesn't suddenly wander to visualising more iyswim.
With women I like, just looking at them takes me to that place.

saturnine Sat 17-May-14 00:26:41

Can completely relate to that sudden, I can easily appreciate a good looking man but sexually there is nothing there and they wouldn't get more than a passing glance where as I could look at an attractive woman all day

kaziam Sat 17-May-14 05:40:41

i just barely joined this site. actually i joined because i read your posts (sudden realization's, and others as well) and felt so relieved to hear someone describe how i feel. i like sex with my husband fine, nothing major is wrong, he is a good father to our toddler, we have a good life together. or, rather, we had. we are now separated in part because i had a 2 month affair with a woman (that i was technically allowed to have...bizarre, i know) where i became so infatuated with this woman, it turned everything upside down. i felt like so at home with her, so completely attracted. i could have stayed in bed with her for days. but when i'm with my husband and child, i like that, too. i like being a family. and i like the fantasy of sex with men sometimes, and i have orgasms with my husband. that means i must not be gay, i think. but the other thing was so strong....
we are now separated but i'm not dating anyone, or even pursuing anyone. i'm just confused. i think i shouldn't leave my husband just for sex with women. and if we aren't doing that well, maybe i'm just avoiding the hard work of staying together. it's so confusing. i go back and forth a lot. my gay friends think i'm gay, my straight friends think i'm straight and just seeking a quick fix for a marriage that needs work. i'm so confused.

SuddenRealisation Sat 17-May-14 08:26:37

Hi kaziam,

I'm sorry you feel so confused, the confusion is just the worst thing.

Have you considered maybe speaking to a counsellor to try and understand your feelings?

Had you had any experience of women before you got together with your dh?

Mangostiltskin Sat 17-May-14 08:46:31

Hi Kaziam - see my original post up thread. I am mid divorce after an affair with a woman that I told my DH about. Feel free to pm me.

SuddenRealisation Thu 22-May-14 22:47:14

Feeling confused again. It's so hard to know what's what when there's denial in there also.
Keep going back and forth.. Ugh

Bigredstapler Fri 23-May-14 00:24:37

As someone said to me this week 'it is perfectly possible to be trapped in and living the wrong life until something clicks'... How she has dealt with questions about coming out later in life.

SuddenRealisation Fri 23-May-14 14:30:54

Interesting, thanks smile
I think I get confused as I sometimes find men attractive but I think this may be due to me being sort of conditioned by society iyswim.
I sort of feel a mental block happen once I try to imagine getting intimate.
Doesn't help that I have childhood issues too (groped by family member).
I find it hard to separate all these thoughts.

mathanxiety Fri 23-May-14 16:17:58

Maybe it should come down to 'what is fair for me to ask of my DH?'
To put it another way, if he were the one mulling all of this over, would you want him to talk about it with you? Do you think you would sense there was some distance or barrier between the two of you and would you be puzzled or worried if you didn't know what was going on? When you shut out your spouse for whatever reason they can usually sense it. Saturnine is in this position as far as I can see, with her DH not communicating, and it is weighing her down. This isn't all about one person's sexuality. There is the emotional component of the relationship with DH.

SuddenRealisation Fri 23-May-14 16:28:33

Math - well yes, I do think he may sense a slight distance.. The thing is, if I talk to him about it I want to be sure of what I'm talking about. I don't want to say, I think this or I might be that. Surely straightforward info would be better for him to deal with?
I haven't quite worked out how I feel yet so I don't want to burden him with my uncertainty..

kaziam Fri 23-May-14 18:59:49


Yes, I'm in counseling both individually and as a couple (separate counselors). I had a sort of girlfriend for a short while before I met my now-husband. But I wasn't really into her - she pursued me and I went along. I thought that because I hadn't been particularly attracted to her, I must only be mildly attracted to women. Then a couple of years into my DH relationship, I became infatuated with a woman in school with me, but never did more than kiss her. But this two month affair last year was powerful, and now it seems like I seek out women all the time, I'm always looking in this secretly predatory way (! yikes).

You know, lately I've been wondering: if I took away all the trappings that surround sex with my husband, ie. it bonds us, it makes me less scared he'll cheat, it makes me feel desired, etc - then would I want sex with him at all? I can't really tell, to be honest. I'd be fine without it. I would miss the affection and hugs the most. Score one for being gay.

But then, even if I don't desire him sexually anymore, how do I know that isn't just a product of so many years together? I mean, who is really turned on by someone they have been with that long? Score one for being straight or bi and just in a messy, not-intimate-enough relationship.

But I always get off....

But I'm in my head...

But I've always sought out women, and undeniably so after I've had a drink or two. Score another for gay.

But the "rules" have always allowed for that, so maybe I've just trained myself to look at women because men have not been contenders. Score another for weird sex life rules in troubled marriage.

...It's endless, this psychological battle I'm having... any ideas?

kaziam Fri 23-May-14 19:00:26


thanks, i will!

SuddenRealisation Fri 23-May-14 20:01:31

Kazaim - it's so hard isn't it..
I'd say think about how you felt about sex at the start of your relationship.
Think about what you naturally fantasise about when you're, ahem, alone..
See, with me, even if I fantasise about a couple, my mind is always concentrating on aspects of the woman in each scenario.
I thought that was normal but I'm not sure straight women get turned on thinking about breasts, for example :-/

SuddenRealisation Fri 19-Sep-14 13:15:47

How is everyone doing?

Mango, have you moved house yet?

Saturn, how are things with you and DH?

I have been seeing a counsellor for a while. Have spent quite a lot of time working through my parents abusive behaviour so I'm not a lot further forward re my sexuality.

I have discussed my feelings with dh and things have been very up and down. Sometimes I feel like we will split then I try to make it work and we sleep together. I hate all this blowing hot and cold and feel like I'm messing him around. I keep trying to go with my feelings but then the guilt and the weight of the situation overwhelms me.

When it comes down to it, the feeling I am gay hasn't gone away. Hoping to work through this a bit more in my next counselling sessionconfused

SuddenRealisation Fri 19-Sep-14 17:32:28

Anyone there?

rumred Fri 19-Sep-14 17:47:21

I think if your feelings tell you one thing and your 'head' another, you will continue to live a half life. have you made progress in counselling?
its sounds as if this is work in progress for you. from experience I know it takes a horribly long time to get into good habits re feelings and what you think you should do. im still working on it

rumred Fri 19-Sep-14 17:48:27

have you considered spending time apart?

SuddenRealisation Sat 20-Sep-14 21:26:47

Thanks rumred. I am making progress in counselling but more generally rather than specifically re the sexuality thing. I have said to her I want to focus on that more as I'm still very confused.
Spending time apart is difficult with 3 DC under 6.. I am trying to incorporate more 'me' time in to every day life though, not just for me but for DH too.
I have had very little me time since the DC came along.

I'm a slowly starting to go out with friends more etc

rumred Mon 22-Sep-14 21:23:01

I found an interesting website, courtesy of a piece in the observer- helps you make decisions. I found it useful for ordering my thoughts. its not scientific but might help you focus on the pros and cons, might highlight some issues. or might be completely useless of course.

I think going out with friends again will help in the long run. you'll get more perspective and if theyre good people, more support too. maybe you need to accept its baby steps for now

SuddenRealisation Tue 23-Sep-14 22:29:28

Thanks rumredsmile Will take a look at the website.
I guess if I take my time, I'll know for sure whether these feelings are here to stay. I just don't want to mess DH around...

DorisIsALittleBitPartial Tue 23-Sep-14 23:31:23

Hi Sudden, was reading this post and got very confused at the end as I didn't realise it was an old thread that had been resurrected grin
I'm glad to read that you are having counselling, but I think that 6 months on you must know that the lid has been lifted and these feelings are here to stay. I do think though that it is really important that you are working through your feelings about your parents. Not directly to do with your sexuality, but who you are, iyswim.
I hope you figure things out thanks

SuddenRealisation Wed 24-Sep-14 12:32:20

Thanks Doris.. Gosh,8 didn't realise I had been thinking like this for 6 monthssad

I came back to the thread to read through my previous thoughts and see if I could get more clarity.

I guess it does feel like the kid has been lifted.. Now I have acknowledged these feelings, I don't know how I can ever pretend they are not there...

SuddenRealisation Wed 24-Sep-14 12:33:09

Bloody phone! Lid*

SuddenRealisation Wed 01-Oct-14 22:45:23

Saw my counsellor yesterday, worked through things a lot more. I think I actually am gay. I am finding it really really difficult to actually accept thissad

Cricrichan Thu 02-Oct-14 00:21:49

Not sure if this helps but the way you describe what you feel is the opposite with me. I can look at a woman and appreciate that she's attractive, has a nice body etc but more like you say you'd appreciate art or a cute child. I love women's company and friendship but chemistry and attraction only happens with men.

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