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Is our peaceful marriage unusual and / or boring?

(57 Posts)
thepianoteacher Sun 11-May-14 23:24:25

I am 38 and have been with my husband for 20 years, married for 2 years. He has a good job and I don't really work other than some part time work from home which is because I enjoy it rather than the money.

My personality is very laid back and easy going, I am quite sensitive and so like to avoid a lot of stress but at the same time I genuinely never get annoyed at my dh. Friends and family always seem at loggerheads with their partners over jobs needing done or their dp's behaviour but it never bothers me, mainly because he doesn't do anything to upset me. He watches football and goes to the gym and plays golf but then I have my own hobbies and we always spend time together on our shared interests such as watching movies, cooking and travel. We get along really well but we also have our own space. I think we just accept each other, we are best friends and our sex life is still really good.

It wasn't always so great, he used to be years ago very moody and would get very angry at me over the smallest thing and I would get very upset, cry and make it worse but that hasn't happened for years now. I am happy with our peaceful marriage but it seems very different to other marriages. Certain of my friends find it odd that we don't fight and that I don't ever get mad at him, he honestly never gives me cause. I never got angry really with anyone for any reason its just not my nature.
One friend said she would be bored in a marriage like mine without passion. We have a great sex life after 20 years together but its true we aren't always falling out and making up.

Anyway I just wondered what an objective audiance thinks, are we normal or unusual? I guess it doesn't matter too much but I am curious to know how common our dynamic is and if others really would be bored with our style of marriage?

mammadiggingdeep Sun 11-May-14 23:27:41

Sounds good to me. If you're happy that's all that matters!

AnyFucker Sun 11-May-14 23:28:06

I don't think needing to have make up sex to keep a relationship together is "passion" at all....I call it it needy

My marriage is pretty uneventful of itself. By that I mean, our lives together are eventful (both in demanding jobs, busy lives, againg parents, two teenage kids keep it interesting etc) but that we don't need to work too hard on keeping it on track

it just kinda works, with not much effort required and frankly that is just the way I like it

if you need constant's not healthy, IMO

AnyFucker Sun 11-May-14 23:28:31


Viviennemary Sun 11-May-14 23:29:25

I don't think there is any norm. DH and I are often at loggerheads over not much at all but so were my parents.

MajesticWhine Sun 11-May-14 23:30:32

It sounds good. Friend who thinks it's boring is probably jealous.

AnyFucker Sun 11-May-14 23:31:04

DH and I hardly ever argue. Most of the tiem we are a united front about the stresses that life throws, kids, money, health etc

if we weren't, I couldn't do everything that I do and vice versa

Monty27 Sun 11-May-14 23:31:24

That's how its supposed to be isn't it? confused

BillyBanter Sun 11-May-14 23:31:43

I did get a bit bored and not bother reading the second half of your post but that's probably just writing style. But lack of drama is a good thing. I hope it stays that way for you.

justmuddlingalong Sun 11-May-14 23:31:53

Some people enjoy the drama of arguing, some don't. If you and your partner are happy, that's all that matters.

Ledkr Sun 11-May-14 23:32:51

Me to. We just get on and genuinely really quite like each other. I never stay cross for long and really want him to be happy as he does me.
Stuff like sharing chores and child care just kind of fall into place because we just feel bad if its not fair.
Sounds a bit pukey I know but I love it.
We also laugh like drains at pretty much anything and enjoy simple stuff like a nice meal and a bit of telly.

Philoslothy Sun 11-May-14 23:33:36

I suspect that most marriages are like yours.

ThingsThatShine Sun 11-May-14 23:35:44

It sounds good to me!

kinsorange Sun 11-May-14 23:36:12

Your marriage sounds great.

Horsemad Sun 11-May-14 23:39:26

OP, do you have DC?

thepianoteacher Sun 11-May-14 23:41:11

Well I would hope most marriages were like mine, my parents was very good and still is but they do still clash more than we do. His parents marriage is awful at least the snipe and bicker all the time.

I've heard people say a good argument clears the air in a relationship and that men ultimately perfer to be married to a women who drives them hard to achieve success. How true that is I don't know. My husband last year could have taken a job with a much larger salary and a more senior position with another firm. He couldn't decide as he fancied the extra money but not all the additional work and being away from home it required. When he asked me I said I would prefer to have less money and him around more than the fancy job. So he turned it down.

This in particular as been seen as odd by a few people who said I should have made him take the job and that I gave him an easy way out or bettering our position.

I'm happy with how things are, we are fine money wise and I like having him around.

EverythingCounts Sun 11-May-14 23:48:38

I don't think you should have 'made' him take the job (as if you could do that anyway) and from what you've said he felt ambivalent about it anyway. He certainly didn't present it to you as something he definitely wanted to do; he asked your opinion, got it and made his decision with that in mind, Sounds healthy to me.

I also agree that a lot of drama is tiring. People who say it keeps up interest etc are usually looking for a way to justify their own back-and-forth, overly dramatic and conflict-ridden relationships.

kinsorange Mon 12-May-14 08:30:02

It sounds like your friends have different priorities to you.
How is he about it all?

kinsorange Mon 12-May-14 08:31:27

It sounds like your friends like drama.
That can backfire.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 12-May-14 08:34:49

"It wasn't always so great, he used to be years ago very moody and would get very angry at me over the smallest thing and I would get very upset, cry and make it worse but that hasn't happened for years now"

I'd just question this slightly. If 'peaceful' means one person saying nothing for fear of the other getting moody and angry then I worry that disagreements are being avoided & ignored for a quiet life, rather than being examined and resolved.

Rebecca2014 Mon 12-May-14 08:53:42

Do you want to swap husbands?

ArtFine Mon 12-May-14 08:55:27

OP, do you have children?

Before we had kids we never argued. Now, it is v stressful sometimes and we've had far too many!

Annarose2014 Mon 12-May-14 10:42:58

We don't argue either and have been together for yonks. Well, very rarely, like once a year. We talk constantly about our feelings so I suspect things evaporate naturally before they become an issue.

Tbh, a contentious marriage is not for either of us. Our best friends argue a lot, and when we go on holiday with them we get a bit shocked. They throw strops with each other over stupid things, like buying the wrong wine! But its just their dynamic.

I couldn't live in a Taylor/Burton relationship - my stress levels would be through the roof!

But in a peaceful marriage the one thing you have to do is have sit-downs where you do express how you feel. Well, I'm talking getting slightly pissed on wine and directly asking each other "are you ok these days? If not, how can I help?" We do that about once a month and its good.

flappityfanjos Mon 12-May-14 11:04:28

We don't really argue either. I mean, sometimes one of us will say something insensitive and annoy the other one, but all that really happens then is that annoyed person makes a huffy face, annoying person notices and apologises, annoyed person apologises for being a huffy arse, life goes on.

It helps that we are both easygoing about most things. I am a stressball about timekeeping and drive him crazy by flapping around if I think he's going to be late for something. But we are (possibly too) chilled out about housework, what we eat, when we eat, what we do of an evening. We both want to make each other happy, and luckily that's quite easy to do so no one has to bend over backwards or suppress their own needs for the sake of the other person. It's all good.

Apatite1 Mon 12-May-14 11:12:57

We have small fights, but it's over very quickly and it's back to normal and calm. We are total opposites though, so it's inevitable that we will clash. I don't want drama drama drama all the time, but I'm happy not be married to someone v similar to me. Now THAT would be boring. Your marriage sounds perfectly normal.

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