I don't think he's very nice to me

[Wheretheresawill1]

Met a man in work, we sort of dated for a couple of months last year but for the past 8 months we are 'friends' but very much on his terms. I don't think he's very nice to me but I'm struggling to hold firm and tell him to do one- this totally frustrates me as I recognise he's ea but sometimes think maybe it's me being overly sensitive. Every time I tell him to go away he takes no notice.
Amongst other things he makes snide comments about my weight- he knows I put on a lot of weight with medication and he knows I find it hurtful as we have had so many arguments about this.
He follows me around- so much so that people refer to him as my 'stalker' yet he doesn't want me.
He's very passive aggressive and very good at the silent treatment, if I say I'm unhappy he takes more and more things off me- it feels like punishment so that now I'm scared to say I'm unhappy as I always lose out more
He makes reference to there maybe other women in my workplace that he has liaisons with
He told some serious lies right at the beginning of the relationship about things he had no reason to lie about and when asked why he had done it he told me it was none of my business
He's very secretive and struggles with intimacy and commitment in all areas of his life
He's very intense but on his terms only and there's something about him that makes me nervous- he has a dark edge; is rough sexually; has a poor attitude to women- some of which appears cultural and he lost his temper with me once but didn't hit me. He makes reference that I would probably enjoy a bit of violence.
He always tries to make out he's gonna leave- disappear but never does which makes me anxious. At the moment he refuses any telephone contact texts calls etc but still hangs around me which makes me really confused.
He can be cruel - flirtatious and when I take the bait he tells me 'it's ok I don't want to go there again'.
In summary writing this down helps, I think I know what's going on here but feel like I'm in a spin and find I'm up and down with him- he then accuses me of blowing hot and cold and being emotionally unstable. He works in psychiatry.

[Ledkr]

I think he sounds as if he's very complicated and would be extremely hard work to date.
I think you know the answer really don't you? I'd get out before you become any more involved.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

When you say 'friends'... what exactly do you mean? You're some kind of booty call? A 'friend with benefits' arrangement? Do you live together? He sounds like a very nasty piece of work and I'm not quite sure where the problem lies with getting shot if he's just a friend. If he is a work colleague and his behaviour is intimidating or inappropriate enough for others to call him a 'stalker' you should probably make a formal complaint.

More context required really...

[Wheretheresawill1]

No not Fwb... I suspect that's what we were last year

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

What is 'friends' then? Because my male friends certainly don't talk to me about violent sex or insult me over my weight etc.

[tigermoll]

Sweetheart, I only had to get halfway down that list to know that this man is not going to make you happy. By the time I got to the end, I was started to get genuinely concerned for your safety.

Please, please, just stop being around him. Don't call, don't text, don't let him in, and if he 'won't leave you alone' start making a record of his behavior for the police.

He is NOT going to get better. He is only going to get worse.
NONE of this is your fault - you aren't being 'oversensitive' or 'emotionally unstable'. Your instincts are screaming at you to get away from this man, and you should stop doubting yourself.
You cannot change him. He has NO INTEREST in changing himself or treating you better. He thinks he is is just fine the way he is and will NEVER EVER magically turn into a 'nicer' version of himself.
I guarantee that this behavior will escalate. The longer you are with him, the worse he will get, and you will NOT be able to somehow prevent that or 'fix' him.

You need to stop worrying about how he might be feeling or whether you are somehow being 'unfair' to him.YOU get to decide if you want nothing more to do with him - it is not open to negotiation from him.

[GuybrushThreepwoodMP]

I don't think he sounds complicated at all. I think he sounds like a dick. He just likes to have power over you. Please don't let him. You deserve so much better.

[Delphinegreen]

I work in psychiatry and judging by some of my colleagues over the years they can be equally unpleasant as the rest of the population! Just because he works in a caring profession doesn't mean he's a caring person.
He sounds awful, go do something lovely with your time rather than try to decode this dickwad.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

He has a poor attitude to women. He is rough sexually and makes reference that you would probably enjoy a bit of violence.

Actually, no. Scrub that: HE would almost certainly enjoy a bit of violence. Possibly quite a lot of it. If none of that has you heading for the hills, I really don't know what will.

I'm quite alarmed about reading your litany of his very serious defects. It had my hair standing out on end. He's dangerous, get the fuck away from him!

[L238]

Long time reader but first post as this really struck a chord with me. Easily could have been me writing this, almost word for word, this time last year. It took a LONG time for me to realise that my ex was an emotional abuser, controller and all round bad guy - he did all the things this guy did.

Everything is on HIS terms. That will never change. OP, it sounds like you want (or wanted) more from the relationship at some point. This will never manifest. He has to be in control. The accusing you of running hot/cold is also classic deflection behaviour. You probably feel like you're going crazy, right? I've been there.

He stomps all over your boundaries and is passive aggressive - that also will never change. He has you hanging, and knows how to push your buttons. Dangerous power balance. The threatening to leave stuff is horrible attention-seeking - he will never leave, but will always dangle that threat especially if he sees that it makes you anxious.

If you feel nervous around him, and that he has a cruel streak, then please get yourself out of this situation. I didn't feel scared of my ex but he was definitely secretive and could be cruel and rough in bed too.

You can escape this and you will get over him, it takes time and a LOT of resolve as these relationships can be very addictive. have a look at the Baggage Reclaim website and other resources that have been mentioned on this thread.

You deserve better. We all do, and (tentatively, hopefully) I think I've found it. It's refreshing and lovely to be in a relationship of equals - I'd forgotten that's how it's meant to be.

Good luck OP

[EverythingCounts]

You mentioned him 'taking things off you' at work - is he your line manager? If so then you need to speak to HR and say that because of your previous relationship it's not working for you to be line managed by this person and you need to report to someone else. You simply cannot stay in a position where he has any power over you.

[Twinklestein]

So what's the issue OP, that you're afraid that if you end the 'friendship' there will be consequences at work? Or that he will physically hurt you?

From what you say I rather doubt he's a psychiatrist - not because he's clearly a nutty asshole - there are plenty of nutty shrinks - but because he doesn't sound intelligent enough. What does he actually do?

[BuggersMuddle]

I find the best thing to do with arseholes is avoid them....

Is there any work reason you can't keep a distance from this particular oddball? He sounds unpleasant and more than a little creepy.

[Wheretheresawill1]

He is very intelligent, Psychiatrist. I have to deal with him in work although not nearly as much as he makes me liaise with him. He says I have crap boundaries - I do but was ill a long time 10yrs ago, low self esteem blah blah usual ps he's not my psychiatrist! Thought I had better add that :)
In terms of taking things away I'm talking emotionally I.e controls when and how we have contact - not work related. If I put my foot down I lose more of the very little positives I get from this. He has no supervisory capacity over me. I'm the only person really who gave him the time of day... He's fairly unpopular, I realise I do want to rescue him but can't as his social skills are poor- I think other people saw through him very quickly.
Thanks to all who commented, it helps to see it written down, my friends are worried. I think he's probably very narcissistic and very damaged

[Wheretheresawill1]

All a bit textbook really... Had a bad relationship 10yrs ago... Learnt from it which is why my senses are now screaming at me... He's making me feel sad and I've come so far

[Wheretheresawill1]

I recognise the comments about weight... I recognise the remarks he makes about my belongings/ appearance - says ridiculous etc... Mad how they take something shiny they are attracted too (me)and seek to destroy it

[Motherinlawsdung]

You sound very capable and self-aware. The problem is not you, it is this damaged and manipulative man. Withdraw from him, be cool and calm and neutral. And avoid, avoid, avoid.

[Twinklestein]

It's terrifying to hear that he is actually practising as a psychiatrist. He's a fitness to practice hearing waiting to happen. He shouldn't be allowed near female patients at all.

If he has no power over you at work then end the friendship and cease all contact. If he tries to ignore your wishes and continues to pester you then contact the relevant people at work.

You can't save him and you are playing a dangerous game with a damaged individual.

[Twinklestein]

Btw if he was that intelligent he would have got extensive therapy for his problems, and he wouldnt risk the behaviour you describe at work.

[IWillIfHeWill]

As I've heard said elsewhere on mn - run for the hills!
How can you get away from him? Work on that.

[scallopsrgreat]

Is this all (or some of it) happening in the workplace?

Because this is sexual harassment and you can go to your boss/HR about this.

[blueshoes]

I hope writing it down helps you to see him for the toxic waste that this person is. I am surprised you are still hanging around. Almost everything is a red flag in my book. I am not sure what else I could say.

[EverythingCounts]

Right, if he does not have any line management power over you at work, that makes things simpler to deal with. In that case you cut all your contact with him down to the absolute minimum possible at work. That means that you try to email anything you to need to communicate with him about rather than ringing or seeing him face-to-face. If he asks you to come down to his department or whatever, say you are busy but if he emails you with the details you will deal with it. This is perfectly legitimate to protect yourself. Don't think you have to do something in a certain way because he asks you to. You don't. I would still also consider having a discussion with HR about it so that your concerns have been recorded formally in case it gets worse and he tries to make it it's your fault.

Beyond work matters, do not have any contact with him at all. That means not phoning him, texting, responding to calls or texts, nothing. Don't bother justifying yourself, don't try and reason or talk it through. Just put up a wall of silence as your best protection.

As pp have said, he is toxic and is fooling people about his intelligence. He has a certain amount of knowledge about particular things and trades on his own arrogance to make people think he's smarter than he actually is. I've met men like this before. If he were really intelligent he a) wouldn't behave this way and b) would be able to get people to like him -you said he's 'fairly unpopular' so clearly others have seen through his act. Time for you to join them.

The 'very little positives' you get from contact with him are not worth it, really they are not. You would get them in other ways if you made space for them in your life by evicting this bloke and the headspace he takes up. And by not having contact you would take back the power he currently has in controlling contact.

[MexicanSpringtime]

You've got to work on your self-esteem and get over the idea of rescuing people, at least you should not have a relationship with someone while trying to rescue them.

This fellow sounds dangerous and not interested at all in being rescued, put distance between you both now.

[Wheretheresawill1]

It all happens at work as at the moment he's made a big deal of blocking me on whattsapp after I told him I could not take anymore about 6 wks ago but he still turns up 3 times a week for 2hr a time to sit with me- no patients on my ward. It's so confusing as I'm simmering with rage underneath and don't know what the hell is going on. Hes so blatant with the verbal abuse- criticises various aspects of me- I have some nice expensive things and despite being overweight I make an effort with appearance. This is when he doesn't appear so intelligent or maybe I just understand what he's doing. A small voice in my head is starting to question some aspects of who I am, how I look and I realise now this is the main reason I need to get out- he's intelligent enough to realise exactly what my demons are. Thanks everyone. I will no doubt see him later and I need to tell him to stop. It's grad because he trashes those boundaries

[lizzzyyliveson]

Why doesn't he have any work to do? Seriously, the NHS can't afford to pay a psychiatrist to sit around for 2 hours wasting the time of other workers. Report his idleness and ask what he should be doing.