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Am I being gaslit.....gaslighted......whatever?

(91 Posts)
neiljames77 Sun 11-May-14 09:43:16

When I split with my wife, I took only the things I thought I needed. Clothes etc. There are other things that I didn't need urgently though. One of them is the little pouch you get with your car containing the manual. It was tucked away in the back of a cupboard in the kitchen. It never gets moved or disturbed. For that reason, I keep my passport and driving licence etc in it because I know it's safe. I turned up at the house yesterday and it's gone.
I asked her if she'd seen it but she said she doesn't know what I'm talking about and she thought I'd took it with me. She's a really poor liar though. She said she'd have a look for it and let me know if it turns up. Is this gaslighting?

HeartHotWaterBottle Sun 11-May-14 09:57:23

If she had knowingly, it would be theft.

Has she ever been vindictive? Are you sure she knew your passport and DL were in there? Bit surprised you didn't take them with you. Any possibility she might have thrown it away by mistake?

onetiredmummy Sun 11-May-14 09:58:32

No that's theft.

Gaslighting is where you clearly remember Person A saying something & you both know they said it, however when you mention it later they deny ever having said such a thing even though its untrue. Its used to make people think they are losing their marbles or to derail an argument that Person A knows they would lose. Its a keeping control tactic.

Say in a couple of months time you posted another thread saying you started an earlier thread (this one) where your wife had nicked your passport & licence. I could then post & say no you didn't, you're imagining it & you're so stupid & worthless to think anyone on MN would listen to you anyway. If you couldn't find said thread & I continued on at you like this then you may doubt you posted at all the first time. I would then be gaslighting you.

neiljames77 Sun 11-May-14 10:06:51

She knew they were there. I put them there because like I said, it's a cupboard nobody ever uses and I knew (?) they'd be safe.
She's never really been vindictive and the split was amicable and agreed by both of us.

HeartHotWaterBottle Sun 11-May-14 10:08:49

Seems odd. Have you checked your stuff thoroughly? Are you sure in the stress of moving that you might not have moved it somewhere?

onetiredmummy Sun 11-May-14 10:09:11

Report them both lost or stolen.

What would be the benefit to her in taking them?

clam Sun 11-May-14 10:19:22

Could anyone else have moved them? DCs?

neiljames77 Sun 11-May-14 10:22:47

Nobody but me ever used that cupboard. It had a few power tools in it, boxes of screws, nails etc. They're all still there, the folder isn't.
I suppose it could just be for inconvenience. I told my kids I might trade my car in for a better one, now I don't have the log book. Now I'm single, there's nothing stopping me going on holiday with my mates.(hadn't planned to though) but no passport now.
I understand I can replace both. Not sure about retrieving the service history of the car though.
Like I said, it's the inconvenience.

cozietoesie Sun 11-May-14 10:29:53

I'd reckon it's gone astray in a fit of clearing out one night and she'll soon remember where she put it/find it after looking for it. I know you said that the split was amicable but it's nonetheless pretty stressful underneath everything and misplacing something relatively small is easy done.

You could report them lost - indeed I would do that for sure with the licence. (My only reservation about doing that right now with the passport is that I suspect that that is more of a kerfuffle than replacing a lost driving licence (which I've done recently with relatively little pain.)) Maybe give it a few days?

neiljames77 Sun 11-May-14 10:37:32

Nah, the cupboard hasn't been cleared out. Everything else is as it was. Just no folder.

HeartHotWaterBottle Sun 11-May-14 10:52:44

Do you not need your DL day to day?

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Sun 11-May-14 10:54:23

Is it still your house, legally? If so, I think I'd turn up one morning with a cheery grin, some massive rubber gloves and announce that you're going to turn the house upside down to find it. Advise her to go do something fun for a few hours, because the house is going to be chaos...

I think it might then suddenly appear...

whitedoorbell Sun 11-May-14 11:09:32

bruno grin

cozietoesie Sun 11-May-14 11:16:57

You can start to 'organize things' after a half bottle of wine, neil and then be distracted by something. You're clearly very irritated by it so I'd just start the process of replacing things.

(I don't know what to do about the service history. That would largely depend on the car I think - a relatively new car which had been serviced all its short life at one big dealers would be on their computer and you could reconstruct it pretty easily. Another sort of car, not so - but you could still sell/trade it. Just not for so much.)

oldgrandmama Sun 11-May-14 11:20:46

I still think it's a bit peculiar that you didn't take such essential documents with you. Sorry.

neiljames77 Sun 11-May-14 11:25:11

I'm temporarily at my mums until I get a flat so I can't take everything. I'm not going abroad in the near future and I never get pulled by the police or anything. I thought that stuff would be safe where it was.

lizzzyyliveson Sun 11-May-14 11:31:18

Hmm, you left valuable and important documents in the care of a woman you have spurned. I can't imagine why they were not safely where you left them. grin

neiljames77 Sun 11-May-14 11:49:26

Ah well, you live and learn............sometimes!! grin

Hissy Sun 11-May-14 11:53:11

Think Bruno has the best option here. Take it room by room too, seeing as it IS your house too.

oldgrandmama Sun 11-May-14 15:01:15

Years ago, a girl I worked with was engaged ... then her fianc� dumped her shortly before the wedding. He'd left his passport, driving licence, birth cert., etc. at the girl's home. After the dumping, girl and her mum had a bit of a ceremonial bonfire ... Nasty, but one couldn't altogether blame them.

Tinks42 Sun 11-May-14 15:38:36

Maybe you think things are "amicable" and she doesn't? A lesson learned here maybe. Take stuff that's important.

Darkesteyes Sun 11-May-14 17:42:16

Neil I remember the thread where she asked you to come back and you were asking for advice on here.
Not saying she has definitely done something on purpose but the timing is a bit suss.
I know sod all about cars but can the DVLA do something about the log book.

neiljames77 Sun 11-May-14 17:51:10

Darkesteyes - I'll sort it all out. smile

Darkesteyes Sun 11-May-14 18:48:13


neiljames77 Sun 11-May-14 19:29:24


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