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Dp's depression

(63 Posts)
MistletoeBUTNOwine Sun 11-May-14 00:37:48

Have posted before about dp, He's depressed. Won't see gp for help as he's also a doctor and is ADAMANT that he will lose his job and registration if diagnosed. Therefore we won't be able to afford the mortgage if he's not working. We have 4 mo DS and my dd from prev relationship.
Today we had a big family BBQ with friends too, was lovely. Now he's drunk and says he wants to die. I'm upstairs bf baby and got this message from him-

I want to finish everything. With some self respect - knowing that I looked after you, always. You can have everything Mistletoe

Wtf am I supposed to do?

MistletoeBUTNOwine Sun 11-May-14 00:43:46


YolandiFuckinVisser Sun 11-May-14 01:01:31

How awful for you, its really really hard to live with a partner who suffers depression. He needs proper professional help, nothing you can do other than support him & encourage him to seek help Its very scary for you to have a suicidal man on your hands. Its not your fault or your responsibility & you have a baby who needs you. You can always call the police if you think he is in immediate danger.

i don't see why he would lose his job with a diagnosis of depression. He is not rational though & will persist in negative thoughts until he gets somd help. And he needs to stop drinking, it makes it worse!

Sorry i can't give any resl practical advice. Hang on there & look after you & dd.

cestlavielife Sun 11-May-14 01:09:12

You need to call 999 and say he is suicidal. Get paramedics in.

cestlavielife Sun 11-May-14 01:11:28

Pleae call 999 and tell them what the text says. He needs to get seen and get helped. You cannot do this you have you and baby to loom after. It s a hard thing to do to make that call but you must.

At the very least, call Samaritans and they will help you talk it thru. They have training in dealing with suicidaleople so canhelp you as the partner.

cestlavielife Sun 11-May-14 01:12:16

He won't have any job if he does follow thur. So that is not the issue right not. Make that call and get sme help.

cestlavielife Sun 11-May-14 01:15:36

cestlavielife Sun 11-May-14 01:19:04

The only thing I regret not doing when ex had depression and was saying such things was not calling 999 and telling people. Sme occasions it was him saying "don't. Tell anyone !" That was big mistake. If you don't call tonight, make sure you call ooh gp service on the morning and tell them, call his gp and get him seen.

Loggins Sun 11-May-14 01:25:11

Don't answer the tx, he does need help but not from you. Call 999 and hopefully he'll get the help he needs.

CustardFromATin Sun 11-May-14 01:51:30

He absolutely won't lose his job and registration, loads of doctors are on antidepressants. It's the depression talking - and the text he sent you suggests to me that he wants and needs help, he just doesn't know how to go about it.

Given his job I would be a little careful about calling 999 or depositing him at the local A&E - although if you have even the slightest concern of course call immediately, the fallout will be manageable and far better than the alternative.

But given that he is now sharing suicidal thoughts, he HAS to get help, and within a day or so, not a week or two. Don't give him any ultimatums (get help or I'll call 999), as that might just stop him from talking to you. Can you afford to go to someone privately at first, so he can feel more confident that it won't be on his record? Or even talk to your own GP about routes for getting help?

Also get some support for yourself, my DH suffered from depression when DD was a baby and it was a soul-crushing experience.

Please help him make sure something happens soon. Without wanting to e unduly alarming, medical professionals have higher suicide rates than others, partly because there is a personality tendency towards depression, a common fear of seeking help and also a knowledge of how to do it effectively. Sometimes forcing help or even a hospital visit is an act of love, even if he rages now.

Once you've decided what to do, does he have a mum or a close friend who can be trusted to help without spreading word or making hi feel too uncomfortable? My error with DH was to rely a lot on my mum, who judged him very harshly for being so out of it while we had2 babies at home (which made things hard later), and not enough on his own mum who was actually fantastically helpful and of course totally unconditionally supportive of him as well as us throughout. Good luck with getting the help you all need thanks

CustardFromATin Sun 11-May-14 01:54:17

Also, can you text him back with the Samaritans number? They will be better placed to listen to him right now, and will be totally unjudgmental. After that I wouldn't let him be alone while you see whether he needs to be in hospital - and if he does demand to be alone that may be a warning sign for calling 999.

MistletoeBUTNOwine Sun 11-May-14 02:04:25

He is up and down. Called me downstairs saying he was bleeding so obviously I rushed down. He has been bleeding from bottom for a few months, colonoscopy showed piles. Tbf there is a lot of blood though.
Anyway, he said he's going to disappear. Go to Spain for a year.
Leave me and the kids next week.
I was very upset, sobbing like a child. Then he said I should kill him, took a knife from the drawer and held it on my hand, made to stab himself but gave in. He's scaring me.
Then all of a sudden he's talking to me like I'm a child saying he won't leave because he loves me.
Took my engagement ring off and said go outside with him. I'm scared he'll hurt himself or me but he proposed again on the wet lawn.

MistletoeBUTNOwine Sun 11-May-14 02:04:55

I don't want to call 999 he knows everyone.

MistletoeBUTNOwine Sun 11-May-14 02:05:34

Calm now he's coming to bed. Keeps calling me his wife.
I feel sick.

Fideline987654321 Sun 11-May-14 02:13:41

He needs help.

You know that don't you?

MistletoeBUTNOwine Sun 11-May-14 02:17:27


Fideline987654321 Sun 11-May-14 02:20:32

So; the question becomes how you can make sure he gets it.

What do you think the options are?

Fideline987654321 Sun 11-May-14 02:21:01

flowers BTW, this must be so hard, particularly with a tiny baby.

Fideline987654321 Sun 11-May-14 02:23:19

The link cestla posted above does seem to confirm your DP is completely wrong about losing his registration, but I don't suppose he will be able to listen to that.

mrshectic Sun 11-May-14 02:23:28

I hope u r ok? It's really truly awful living with a depressed partner. I have been with my husband for ten years and for the last four and a half yrs he's been suffering with depression (if not longer, just didn't pick up on it as he hides it well around people).

How long has he been suffering this badly for?

I really completely understand where you are coming from and understand how hard it is to call someone for help. It feels so wrong, but u do have to ride the feeling of guilt (which will come with doing something like that), but it is the ONLY way to help him get better.

We have 3 children together 6,7 yr old boys and a 'surprise' 8mth old girl. Its tough, really tough....but it WILL only get worse unless he wants/gets help. If he's not willing to do that, then he will drag u down with him. Sorry to be harsh, but i am speaking from experience.

Be good and kind to urself because this is not ur fault and u need to stay strong for your children....

what u have to remember is it isn't ur husband talking.....its the ilness.


mismylinford Sun 11-May-14 03:14:39

Aww im so sorry.
I think he really needs to stop drinking as that fuels depression and makes him do things like this.
My dh attempted his life last year and i called the police, it was a horrible dark time and afterwards he was in recovery in a secure ward for 2 weeks as he completely broke down it was like looking at a different person.
He's know on cetalapram and is having counciling. I have stood by him all the time and told him we can beat it, this is very hard emotionally on both of us but i love him.
Our 3 yo dosnt know anything about it i took her away from he situation while my dh was very ill and wouldn't let them see each other for 3 weeks, a time know neither of them really remember.
He can't remember much from his break down at all about 2 months are gone from his memory.
Just remember it is an illness its not the real him, just like diabetics have an insulin deficiency depression is a ceratonin deficiency. Its not yours his or anyone fault and he can get better.
Tomorrow i suggest getting someone to care for dc for the day. Sit down and talk to him really talk to him tell how you feel. And to me.... My Dh lost his very high flying job, were selling the house... But he's happier not having the stress of a job he can't cope with. I want my family to be happy and a house is just a house. My hd means more to me.
Please talk tomorrow .... Till your blue in the face.... Good luck xxx

BOFster Sun 11-May-14 03:22:18

You are really going through the mill, I'm so sorry.

Get him some medical help though- he needs it, and it won't affect his career, no matter what he believes.

tallwivglasses Sun 11-May-14 03:40:38

Mistletoe, I've been there. I hope you're okay x

Roseflowers Sun 11-May-14 04:34:42

I've been there too, it's awful and draining, especially when you're the only one supporting your husband. Regardless of his fears about his career, you need to get him help and get him into the system. Sod the fact that everybody knows him, if they do they are more likely to be sympathetic and keen to help. Suddenly him (and by extension you) could have a whole support network of people to help get him through this. The next time he threatens to kill himself, take him on his word and call an ambulance. Do it for your own sake as much as his x

FannyFifer Sun 11-May-14 07:11:56

Hope you are ok OP, he sounds as though currently he is a danger to himself and to you and you need to phone an ambulance.

Please keep you and your family safe, to do this you must get help today, it can't wait, you have to be strong.

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