Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Not sure what to do - online dating dilema.

(68 Posts)
solitudehappiness Sun 11-May-14 00:21:09

Started seeing a guy a few weeks ago that I met online. We've been getting on great, and he rings me or texts most days. Tonight he looked at his emails on my computer and then went to use the bathroom. I looked at his emails (yes I know I shouldn't) and saw one from a woman. They'd been emailing and he said he couldn't wait to hear her sweet voice.
What do I do now? I thought he liked me? Why is he emailing other women?
Really need some advice.
If I say anything he'll know I've checked his emails.

HeartHotWaterBottle Sun 11-May-14 00:31:14

I think you should have a talk with him about how he views you and him.

It's a bit tricky because you've only been seeing each other for a few weeks - have you discussed exclusivity?

When I was younger it wouldn't have occurred to me that someone might be seeing other women when we started dating. Things seem so complicated nowadays!

FloraSpreadableMacDonald Sun 11-May-14 01:18:29 seems the norm for online daters to have a few on the go. Partly i agree as its not good to put all your eggs in one basket. However, if things have progressed with you then you need to chat about being exclusive.

SolidGoldBrass Sun 11-May-14 01:41:46

If you haven't discussed whether or not you are 'exclusive' then it's time to have the talk BUT don't start from the position of 'You bastard, you're chasing other women'. You haven't agreed to be exclusive, therefore him dating other people is none of your business.

Don't mention the emails. Just say you would like to have that talk. He may tell you that he has no interest in an exclusive relationship, at which point thank him for the good time you had so far and move on.

HeartHotWaterBottle Sun 11-May-14 01:50:15

It didn't used to be this difficult though, did it?

Is this with the advent of online dating? When I was younger we used to just meet someone, snog, meet up afterwards and praps you'd like someone and start dating or praps not.

I guess it changes things when you initally meet over the net and not in person.

NickiFury Sun 11-May-14 02:00:14

You've been seeing him a few weeks and you looked through his emails?

Dump him, HE will be well rid.

HeartHotWaterBottle Sun 11-May-14 02:10:23

Nicki, to be fair it was only a few weeks in and he had used her home computer to check emails whilst staying. She might have seen it still up on screen and gone to have a closer look.

I don't actually let anyone on my computer, I'm surprised she did!

NickiFury Sun 11-May-14 02:12:52

If I found out a new BF had done that, weeks in I could no longer find him attractive and it would really make me question the kind of person he was.

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 11-May-14 02:14:53

Checking your computer is nothing to be ashamed of.

Show him what you found and ask your questions OP. Decide what to do once he's answered.

NickiFury Sun 11-May-14 02:20:58

Checking your computer is fine. Sifting through his emails is not.

HeartHotWaterBottle Sun 11-May-14 02:30:18

He was a bit daft for leaving them up though, wasn't he? It's like Pandora's Box.

I really wouldn't let anyone go near my computer unless it was for a specific reason, e.g. checking a restaurant address and even then I'd hover grin

I do emphatically believe in privacy but given that it was early stages and he appears to have been daft enough to leave them up, I'm not that surprised she checked. Why on earth would he need to check emails whilst at hers anyway?

BaconSarniePlease Sun 11-May-14 02:35:11

Are you chatting to anyone else you met online? Either in person/ by voice or just exchanging messages?

I wouldn't expect someone I had met online to give up the other contacts he had made in the same way until we'd had a chat about what we were actually doing and what we thought could happen between us.

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 11-May-14 02:40:26

If he didn't want you to see what was there, he wouldn't have left his e-mails open on your computer. Ask your questions OP. See what he says.

If he goes all " how very dare you", then you know you're dating a drama llama and can dump him now if that's not what you're into.

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 11-May-14 02:42:59

In a world of handheld devices, I would not ignore a man going out of his way to do stuff on my computer.

solitudehappiness Sun 11-May-14 02:44:21

The reason he'd opened his emails was because he was trying to get a movie file he'd saved. We were going to watch the movie, but he couldn't find the email.
I know I shouldn't have looked, but I couldn't resist.
I'm going to talk with him about dating exclusively and see what he says.

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 11-May-14 02:53:13

Why shouldn't you look at what is open on your computer OP?

Maisie0 Sun 11-May-14 03:08:01

I would actually let him go at this stage.

BaconSarniePlease Sun 11-May-14 03:09:54

We'll you've looked at the e mails now so whether it was the right thing to do or not is probably secondary to what you're going to do about what you've found out.

If you like him, time for the convo.

cantbelievethisishppening Sun 11-May-14 06:26:22

Oh dear....... Reading his emails because you couldn't resist. This is a no win situation I feel. If you confront him with what you have found he will probably bin you anyway for nosing through this emails.

FolkGirl Sun 11-May-14 06:40:27

I don't understand why some people feel that looking through his emails is justified if it's on your computer! That's some logic...

You're right, you shouldn't have looked. If you haven't discussed being exclusive, then he hasn't done anything wrong.

It is very different to how it was in the 'olden days' and, to be honest, I don't really like it. But at the same time, I did do it when I was OD because, until you really get to know someone, then you don't want to put all your eggs in one basket.

I think that he should be allowed to leave his emails open and not worry about you reading them. I could never check someone else's emails - certainly not because I "couldn't resist", maybe if I had genuine reason to be concerned and there was no alternative, but even then, it would make me very uncomfortable. In fact, no. I found out my exH was cheating and I still didn't go through his emails.

ClashCityRocker Sun 11-May-14 08:47:27

No, you shouldn't have looked, I don't see what difference it makes as to whose computer it is...have the chat about exclusivity and go from there.

FWIW if I found out someone I'd been seeing for a few weeks, with whom I wasn't officially 'in a relationship' had looked through my emails, I would be very, very 'how very dare you'.

solitudehappiness Sun 11-May-14 09:13:10

Yes, yes, I know! I shouldn't have read his emails. Its no excuse, but I've been cheated on in the past, and have quite big issues with trust.

When I first started seeing him, I asked him if he was seeing anyone else, and he said no. So what am I supposed to think now?

In the email exchange he mentioned meeting up with the woman when she gets back from holiday.

Why is he seeing me if he is wanting to meet other women? I really don't understand, and this is knocking my confidence. Its the first time I've dated in over a year.

Whocansay Sun 11-May-14 09:25:09

You invaded his privacy. It's very likely that if you confront him he will ditch you, because what you did is controlling and wrong.

And saying you 'couldn't resist' is utterly pathetic. You're an adult. You made a choice.

If you aren't 'exclusive,' what he does is none of your business.

Although to be honest, if he's the type of man that you have to ask not to see other people, he probably isn't for you. Or any sane woman.

NickiFury Sun 11-May-14 09:26:22

"I've been cheated on so have issues with trust"

I hate that excuse. Often used as an excuse for really poor behaviour Don't be in a relationship till you're over your trust issues then.

cantbelievethisishppening Sun 11-May-14 09:28:45

Sounds to me like he is keeping his options open. OD dating accommodates that quite easily. I cannot see how this will have a happy ending to be honest. You will have to admit you have snooped or it will drive you crazy having this information without being able to say anything to him.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now