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Money Issues

(11 Posts)
Rilletts Sat 10-May-14 17:01:59

I'm writing this as fed up with niggling money issues...I'm a SAHM, he's a high earner. I get £600 per month 'salary' for childcare / cleaning general expenses. We have a non existent mortgage. He earns over £100k, but I'm still told I spend too much??. Moans he has no money yet I overheard he is going to buy another investment flat in Central London. Not married and I'm pissed off I never went back to word straight after children...

WhoNickedMyName Sat 10-May-14 17:04:15

Before you decided to have children together what sort of arrangements did you agree to with regard to money?

How old are the children?

What is stopping you returning to work now?

Rilletts Sat 10-May-14 17:06:11

No arrangements.

Children are 6 & 4.

Nothing stopping me, aside from him being away a lot.

Rilletts Sat 10-May-14 17:06:39

Oh and being generally knackered!

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 10-May-14 17:21:14

This is really bad.

"Niggling money issues" like you describe could infact also be seen
as financial abuse on his part towards you. Its about power and control; he wants absolute over you and does not care about your discomfort. Your role in his eyes is to put up and shut up.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What's he like in other areas of your relationship?. Just as controlling?. There is a saying, "mean with money, mean with love". Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships?.

Your own position is extremely precarious and he has likely done this deliberately; he holds all the power and control in this relationship. In such cases as well not being married to him is probably also planned on his part as well.

What happens if/when you ask him for more money?. Also being told you are spending too much is yet another financial abuse indicator in your particular circumstances.

This is from Womens Aid:-

Financial abuse is one form of control used by domestic violence perpetrators in order to gain power over their partner, and is the most direct way in which domestic violence and financial issues relate to each other. Financial abuse can take many different forms, but all are aimed at limiting and controlling the partner’s current and future actions and freedom of choice. For example, an abuser might do one or more of the following:

Interfere with her employment, education or training: for example, by preventing her from participating in paid work or education; or alternatively, insisting that she works, but hands over all her earnings to him.

Control access to all the household finances (including her own earnings/benefits): for example, by keeping control of bank accounts, credit cards, benefits, etc.; not giving her any money; and/or taking away any money/ resources she has of her own (including money for day-to-day housekeeping expenses, her savings, or other personal money); insisting she accounts for every penny she spends.

Steal from her and use the money for himself; or transfer joint assets into his own name.

Refuse to contribute to shared household expenses, including failing to pay regular bills
despite agreeing to take responsibility for them; or building up debts in her name or joint names – sometimes without her knowledge (e.g. utility bills, which she thinks he has paid).

Insist she take out loans and credit in her own name, or force her to take on sole or
joint responsibility for credit or loans beyond what she considers to be manageable.

Force her to take actions which are dishonest, illegal or against her own sense of
right and wrong; for example, to claim benefits fraudulently, interfere with gas and electricity meters, become involved in prostitution, shoplifting, etc.

It is often very difficult for victims to recognise abuse which is of an economic or financial nature: it may develop slowly and insidiously, so that what at the outset could be seen perhaps as protectiveness can become increasingly controlling, and leave no outlet for an independent life of any kind. For example, a potential abuser might say something along
these lines:

I’ll take care of all the bills – you don’t need a bank account.

I earn enough for both of us, so you don’t need to work now: I’ll look after you.

While initially this might seem acceptable, it gives the one earning and paying the bills considerable power which could potentially be exploited in order to perpetrate abuse over the other partner.

Over-spending, and building up debts in the partner’s name or joint names can also develop slowly and – even if this is an intentional form of control – it may not become obvious for some time; for example –

Both victims and those supporting them may be reluctant to name this behaviour as “abuse”. Hence many women will have lived with it for many years, until the negative impact has become almost overwhelming.

Please talk to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 10-May-14 17:23:47

You have written about him before, having written all that as well why are you together at all now?.

Rilletts Sat 10-May-14 18:27:55

I don't know, I feel trapped.

I'll,get out though. Im amazed you recognise me?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 10-May-14 18:34:48

Your children and your good self do not have to live like this; in financial penury at his hands. Womens Aid can and will help you leave.

£600 equates to £150 a week; divide that by seven and you can see how little he is giving the three of you daily to live on. Its completely unacceptable.

Rilletts Sat 10-May-14 18:36:36

Thank you both, here I am worried about my store card account at £200 and there he is buying a new car at £24 k cash. Still I spent too much.

HerRoyalNotness Sat 10-May-14 18:36:48

Sorry is the 600 your kind of pocket money to spend as you see fit and then he pays for groceries, kids clothes etc....? Need clarifying there

Rilletts Sat 10-May-14 18:50:22

Should be my pocket money on his £6k + a month. After our £200 mortgage and billis, say £200 p/m where does it all go. He has no debts. Our hoildays can't include kids clubs as too expensive...

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