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Deep breath: I'd appreciate advice on how to start anew..

(4 Posts)
ilovepiccalilli Sat 10-May-14 14:16:01

I'm an occasional lurker, not a poster and know wonderful advice can be found here. I'll try & keep it short but I'm talking about a 20 yr marriage with 2 youngish DD.

In a nutshell I've allowed myself to be a doormat for years and I'm ashamed of myself (although to my friends in RL I'm thought of as strong, sociable, ambitious etc. - I try not to discuss DH with them any more; a case of 'put up & shut up' as I should have left him years ago).
His binge drinking, cavalier attitude to money, generally being irresponsible when the kids were really young made my life hell though counselling helped briefly but the damage was done. He embarked on a 'textual affair' in 07 (I only discovered it as he was so pissed & left his phone lying about and it was like suffering a death - he was many things but I never saw him as a womaniser. Little did I know, he then went on to have an affair with his PA (20 years younger) which he confessed to about 4 years ago. He was set to move out, I took legal advice & was looking at flats and then he begged me to reconsider, said he was really sorry and said it was over. I left my really stressful office job and retrained to do something I loved but on much lower pay - he said he backed me up 100%. I still do this but am self employed and business is very up and down and unfortunately his earnings keep the household afloat though we do have a bit of debt as he doesn't understand the word budget..

Since then we have rubbed along, he has cut back on the boozing but still is unreliable a lot of the time (always late for everything for example), still awful with money, always up for a drink with his mates and stumbles in at 4/5 in the morning with no call or text on occasion. Since Christmas we seem to like each other less and less and argue more and more My kids have grown up to be great girls, polite, do well at school seem normal etc. but I fear my putting up with his moods & enabling his shitty behaviour have set a terrible role model for them.
He is an OK dad but always takes the easy option with them.
I cannot see me growing old with him but feel trapped as my earnings are so little and I cannot afford to support myself & the girls alone.
He has a nasty vindictive streak and when I've broached the subject of us perhaps trying to separate amicable he won't discuss saying 'I'll have to boot him out' and how will I live and mocks what I do, saying the money I spent training was a f8*King waste of time.
It's a mess and I feel so bloody lonely, unloved and I'm getting older & older - there is much more but this is a jist.. Anyone on here had similar and survived? Thanks for reading x

Handywoman Sat 10-May-14 18:34:16

Time to get back to the solicitor and find out where you stand legally, and how best to proceed. Please don't feel ashamed, you know what you must do, and it doesn't really matter about his empty threats, there is a way through this. If you are the main carer for your girls you may ultimately be able to stay in the home, finances depending. If you break free of this loser you will be teaching your girls a very important lesson about valuing themselves.

I also think it's high time you opened up to your friends and lean on them for support .

Keep posting thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-May-14 19:02:09

Definitely talk to a solicitor and get as much RL support as possible. You may well have to 'boot him out' ultimately but you have quite a lot of clout as a married woman with DCs, and it sounds like he's trying to intimidate you from finding out just how much.

Good luck

ilovepiccalilli Sat 10-May-14 19:28:23

Thanks ladies ... I think my friends think I'm daft for hanging on for so long but would rally round. I need to find a solicitor who listens - the last one wasn't that helpful (found out more on here tbh) and charged for nearly £200 for the privilege!
Will keep you updated x

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