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Husband says he doesn't love me anymore

(508 Posts)
MissPennySweet Sat 10-May-14 09:22:47

Three weeks ago my husband turned round out of nowhere and told me he didn't love me in a romantic way anymore (in the middle of an argument). This quite frankly knocked me for shit and ashamedly I asked him to stay and promised we could work on things (with a lot of tears). He agreed to stay and despite going back to relatively normal I can't shake the feeling that he's only with me out of pity. He's since said he does love me but he's stressed with work, but now I feel like an utter fool for staying with someone who doesn't feel the same about me.

Should I leave or do you think it was a momentary blip and he really does love me - he is usually an extremely loving and attentive man and I've never had any doubts before! We don't have DC.

MissPennySweet Sat 10-May-14 09:26:27

I keep switching between anger and devastating sadness and it's destroying me and him. We are sleeping separately at the moment.

LavenderGreen14 Sat 10-May-14 09:28:55

I am afraid him saying that to you screams OW to me.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-May-14 09:31:08

Unfortunately 'I don't love you any more' is often a euphemism for 'I've met someone else' or 'I've got my eye on someone else'. Even if it's said completely literally, it's a pretty nasty thing to say to someone and you have to question his motives. 'Stressed with work' doesn't cut it, I'm afraid. It's fairly normal to react by asking him to stay.... don't be ashamed of that. It's also fairly normal to realise a little later that you've sold yourself short and feel rather foolish.

Personally, I would be telling him to step out for a few days so that a) you have time to think and b) he gets to experience a little real life stress.

MissPennySweet Sat 10-May-14 09:31:52

I thought OW instantly too, but I checked his phone (password protected and he doesn't know I know the password) and there was absolutely nothing, nothing on emails either and no suspicious activity to indicate OW.

Only1scoop Sat 10-May-14 09:31:54

So sorry....I don't think you should 'leave it' and I'm sure you know you can't really do that either....

Was there any warning of this? How is relationship in general?

MissPennySweet Sat 10-May-14 09:32:51

Thanks cogito, great advice as always thanks.

Do you think if I asked him to leave for a few days he'd realise what he's lost?

itsbetterthanabox Sat 10-May-14 09:33:16

I think saying that in an argument doesn't definitely mean he means it. Does he usually say dramatic stuff in arguments? I know I do and then very much regret it.
You need to sit down and properly talk. What does he want, how does he feel, how do you feel, what can you work on.

MissPennySweet Sat 10-May-14 09:34:08

Absolutely no warning, relationship up until then was very very good as I saw it. He gets stressed with work but generally treats me incredibly well.

LEMmingaround Sat 10-May-14 09:34:54

Why are you sleeping separately?

My DP told me he didn't love me when we were going through a very hard time, told me he felt nothing for me - with tears streaming down his face sad That was about 7 years ago, we had some rough times - i had PND, we had financial difficulties and we were both at breaking point. I begged and cried, then went through the same feelings you have - we are fine now, happy together.

What i am saying is that stress can fuck around with your emotions.

You need to have a long and honest conversation with him about what you both want - you dont have children, so please don't waste time on a man that doesn't love you, if that is the case. He is not allowed to tell you that just to hurt you though - that is playing mind games and actually worse than if it were true and i would say its time to leave.

teaandthorazine Sat 10-May-14 09:35:20

We have no way of knowing whether this is a blip or the end - people do say things in the heat of the moment that on reflection they know they don't mean.

However... the experience of most women who post here saying that their husband has said he doesn't love them anymore (or loves them but isn't 'in love' with them), is that there is another woman in the background somewhere.

How long have you been married?

MissPennySweet Sat 10-May-14 09:35:47

I think the problem is I feel like he should be down on his knees apologising and trying to make it up to me if he really didn't mean it and he's not, he's said sorry but he's pissing off to play golf with his mates instead of trying to make it up to me.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-May-14 09:36:51

I think there is no substitute for being uncompromising in these situations. Cave and you earn nothing but contempt. Be assertive and you earn respect. Set your own standards how you expect to be treated and that way, if they stay, they know the score. If they go, they weren't worth bothering with in the first place.

MissPennySweet Sat 10-May-14 09:37:22

Married for nearly three years. We are sleeping separately for the last couple of weeks because I can't sleep in a bed with a man when I'm not sure if he loves me sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-May-14 09:37:56

Golf... so adding insult to injury and merely assuming that, when he gets back, you'll still be there? That's pretty contemptuous behaviour.

MissPennySweet Sat 10-May-14 09:38:14

cogito but what if he doesn't come back? I would literally break without him

teaandthorazine Sat 10-May-14 09:39:07

And what has he said about the fact that you aren't sleeping in the same bed as him? If he's allowing that situation to continue - ie by not making it really clear to you that he's desperately sorry and wants you back there next to him - then I don't think that's a great omen, sorry.

MissPennySweet Sat 10-May-14 09:40:08

He wants to come back in bed with me and carry on as we were....

LavenderGreen14 Sat 10-May-14 09:40:46

If he doesn't come back you just have to get on with your life - better that than stay with someone who is dishonest, doesn't care for you, and may leave at any time.

teaandthorazine Sat 10-May-14 09:40:53

i would literally break without him

No, you wouldn't. And if you carry on thinking that you will allow him to do and say whatever he wants, because he knows you'll always forgive him.

Whatever the truth of the matter, you need to be stronger and more independent than that.

Talk to him. Make him sit down with you and really talk.

Only1scoop Sat 10-May-14 09:41:00

That along with his 'golf'

Making you feel very special I'm sure hmm

LEMmingaround Sat 10-May-14 09:41:06

You have only been married for three years - he should want to be with you, not fucking off to golf. I think it is very telling that you know his password without him knowing, you don't trust him and he has clearly given you reason for that.

Has he argued about the separate sleeping? has he tried to um, well, you know?

I think now is the time to be making your own life, fuck waiting around for him to condescend to give you some attention - you deserve better.

LEMmingaround Sat 10-May-14 09:42:13

You wont break - it will be shit, but in the long run, it will be so very much better.

Only1scoop Sat 10-May-14 09:42:19

Calmly tell him you need to talk about the obvious issues....

Hopefully they will take priority.

MissPennySweet Sat 10-May-14 09:42:43

Should I tell him to leave for a few days? The trouble is that when I ask him to leave a few hours later I regret it and start asking for him back so he always wins, I don't think I could be that strong for a few days which tbh is the time it needs.....

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