Ex n contact-long!!

[Aliiiii]

Apologies if this is in the wrong section!

I have been separated from my sons dad for nearly 6 years, we never married and my son is nearly 9.

We came to an agreement between us that my ex would have him every other weekend, picking up on fri n returning home on the Sunday afternoon at 2pm

The pick up on fri was meant to be straight from school but this has got later and later, often around 7pm and as my ex lives a 2 hour drive away, they do not get to his until 9pm. He has in the past also complained about the drop off on the Sunday being too early, and I had no prob with him bringing him back around 5pm but this has never happened!

My son has been playing footie for a little league club for the last season, but only going every other sat- this has had an impact on the way the rest of the team play with him-not passing etc which I think comes down to the fact that he isn't there every weekend but the rest are

I have told my ex that our son wants to play every weekend-he's footie mad and I don't blame him. I have suggested to my ex that he picks out son up on the sat morning after footie n then brings him back later on the Sunday afternoon but as usual he's refusing saying it will affect their relationship blah blah blah

Our son is growing up and he's social life will only get better ( lucky him!) and I also think he is entitled to have his feelings and opinions listened to, but my ex is having none of it!

My ex n I only have a relationship because of our son, quite frankly if I never saw him again I'd be happy but it's not about me, it's about our son

What are your thoughts on this? We have never been to court regarding contact because we had sorted it ourselves, but more n more he is refusing to budge n I'm sick of it!!

I would welcome views from any men on here as well!!

[rumbleinthrjungle]

I can see why ex wouldn't be keen to lose an evening/night and morning of his contact time and feel that is more important than football, especially with ds only 8. I might mention to ex that the time is now coming where ds may start to have his own plans on weekends that he wants taken into account and that you both may need to start preparing for this. Travel seems to be a problem for him? Does he have far to come?

Its so difficult to manage children's clubs and activities around contact time on weekends and the downsides of managing it can sometimes outweigh the potential benefits of going. Is there any chance of ds joining a mid week after school or leisure centre group instead?

[Aliiiii]

Hi and thanks for your reply

I do understand his point to some extent, but when we split he took himself miles away, we didn't move away from him!
The thing is I've said he could come n watch him play- most games are early-9/10 am but he still won't budge an inch!
From what I understand when they get to his place on a fri night my son near enough goes straight to bed, so can't see what quality time he's losing there!!

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

I had this exact issue OP and i'm afraid to say my son had to give up his football. Ex would agree to take him to training and matches and didnt do it once! I was furious when i called to find out how my son's first tournament went and son said it was good and that his team had won and the. Later on FB i saw the team photos and my son was nowhere to be seen. Called exp and asked why and he said he didnt take him and just told ds to lie to me because he couldnt be arsed listening to me going on about it

Anyway it was clear ex wasnt going to support ds so we had to make the decision to find hobbies that tool place during weekdays.

[Aliiiii]

What a charming fella!!!

I just feel frustrated that he doesn't seem to care how our son feels!

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Oh i wish i could give you some insight into why they do this but i'm as clueless as you. It is so frustrating. The only advce i can give is for you to manage your son's expectations so that the impact on him is minimal if his dad wont support him. That is why i made the decision to end the football rather than keep setting ds up for the disappointment of missing training and matches. It is up to you, for me, i was lucky and ds has found sometjing he loves during the week and didnt mourn too long his football friends. There are sometimes events that happens at weekends and as ds puts sonmuch work in during the week in insist he gets to enjoy the fruits of his labours at the weekends when necessary and i dont actually give exp a choice when this happens. It involves me doing all the running and collecting etc as ex just wont but i am happy too for ds. Pick your battles. Ds is happy and he's getting 80% of his weekends with his dad uninterupted as opposed to a fortnightly disappointment and the anticipation of it building up during the week.

[Handywoman]

Crapness. Very sad. Personally I think at some point it has to be accepted that weekend stuff will start to impinge on contact weekends, and that the child should be central to everything and supported. But I think if a midweek alternative can be found then that's reasonable.

[Joules68]

Could he take him after footie and return early on Monday morning in time for school? He has 2 nights still this way

[PoundingTheStreets]

I think this is so difficult because all the unfairness seems to be levelled at the dad. I also think that if we are seriously going to put the child's best interests first then unfortunately that's the way it has to be. Doing what's right for the child is often unfair on one parent.

For young children contact (barring feckless or abusive parents) is usually going to be of more benefit than an extra-curricular activity. However, by the age of 9 the bond should be so well established that it is capable of fitting around the child's burgeoning life away from family. It is a natural and desirable course of development that a child's life gravitates more towards his peers than his parents as he ages. It's how physical and mental independence is gained.

Of course it is vital to provide a stable and strong parent-child relationship during this time (for guidance to combat any negative peer messages as much as anything), but ideally it should be flexible. That's why set-in-stone contact arrangements rarely work for teenagers.

If you can avoid court, I'd heartily recommend you do as it usually just makes things worse and is expensive. However, you may benefit from formal mediation and there IS legal aid available for mediation even though it's been removed for court. If you can remain calm and reasonable and present this about your child rather than fairness on you/him, the presence of a mediator may help your X get his head round that and agree to a change in contact arrangements.

Good luck.

[Aliiiii]

Thank you for all your replies

My ex has a history of being a knob ( sorry!)
He was self employed, paying me the grand sum of £35 a month at the mo via the CSA, however I've found out that since the beginning of last month he is employed by a company on a very good salary!

I contacted the CSA and surprise, surprise he hasn't told them, they've tried contacting him by phone n letter and he hasn't contacted them. I text him today saying they had called me as they needed to speak to him and his reply was 'no messages from them, oh well, if it's that important they will try again!'

This is what makes me laugh about the contact problem, he thinks he's dad of the year, but as he put it once ' I will play the game so you get nothing!'

He's recently married, which I have no problem with, but I think it's about time I had a chat with his new wife!!

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

don't go near his wife!!

you will be playing right into his hands when he tells her you are a psycho ex and also, it's not fair to her is it? she has no responsibility for your son, and she has no control over your ex. please don't do that. it's game playing really isn't it? you're better than that. keep your dignity.

[wallypops]

Can he do footie near your ex at a different club? Might not be what you would choose, but it might be a solution of sorts. We do all sports midweek - organised by me, because ex refuses to participate, but taken by a third party as I work silly hours. Bollocks situation all round, so I do get it. We only live 10 minutes apart so in our case hes just doing it to be a shithead.

[Aliiiii]

I know, I know!! It just amazes me that another woman would quite happily let her man make near enough no contribution to the welfare of his son!! He's been with her since before we split, and I've tried on numerous occasions ( via my ex) to speak to her as obviously she's around my son on the weekends and I'd like to know what type of woman she is( that's not unreasonable is it!?) but my ex has always managed to keep us apart-frightened what I might tell her possibly lol

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Well if she was the OW then her morals are already questionable and any chat you'll have with her will fall on deaf ears as A) she started out from a position of no respect for you and B) she's not interested in shagging you- you have nothing to offer her- your ex does and she gains nothing from listening to you and questioning him.

You will embarrass yourself if you do go and 'have a word', she'll relay it all to your ex and they'll have a right good laugh about it. He'll use it as proof of what a nightmare you are and they'll have even more reason not to co-operate with you.

[balia]

I think if I only saw my child once a fortnight for 40-odd hours with 4 of this driving I'd be pretty narked if someone told me I should give up 15+ hours because playing football was more important than spending that time with me.

We used to have the same problem but in reverse; DH took DSS to football practice midweek and matches at the weekends but his ex didn't want to take DSS to matches in 'her' weekends. Her parenting choice. Of course DSS was entitled to love football, to want to play at every opportunity, but it wasn't appropriate for him to make those decisions, or for us to disrespect and undermine her (and the importance of her quality time with him) by suggesting that playing football was more important than his time with her.

And the idea that you are entitled to know what 'type' of woman the new wife is after your son has known her for 6 years seems a bit odd. TBH.

[Aliiiii]

It's just so upsetting!! They got married a few weeks ago n from what I've seen of the photos (son was pageboy) it wasn't a cheap affair but he begrudges paying to support his son!! Incidentally, they had booked their wedding for my weekend, wonder how he would've felt if I'd said no, I'm not swapping!!!

[Aliiiii]

Balia- to be fair you have a point, however when we split up, we stayed where we were, he decided to move miles away, there was no reason for him to- work etc apart from the fact that his new gf lived round that area, he took himself away!!

As for it being odd, as you put it, I've tried so many times I've lost count to have a chat with her, not to stir or for anything other than to introduce myself to her! On the rare occasions when we've all been in a particular place( my sons first holy communion as example) he's made a point of not leaving her side, I am damn sure she's no idea what he's like, but that's not my problem, I suspect tho that he's feed her a load of lies about certain things including the child support he's actually paying!

Surely I'm entitled to meet her??! Or am I being stupid?? She spends time with my son and he stays there, isn't that reason enough???!!

[Aliiiii]

And please bear in mind that if he'd stayed round here he could have had contact during the week too, I wouldn't ever stop the contact between father and son, if only for my sons sake!!!

[balia]

I'm sure there were lots of other things to be considered when deciding on a date for the wedding and it wouldn't have occurred to them that you might prevent your DS from being part of such a special day.

I think moving away from your children is a deplorable thing to do, but lots of people think it is quite reasonable to do so after a split. He's clearly pretty committed to his relationship with DS to keep up the contact for 6 years.

And no, you aren't 'entitled' to meet her, just as your ex would not be 'entitled' to meet people that you were spending time with. You have no safety concerns, and it seems she has tried to make it very clear that she does not want to have a lovely chat with you over the last 6 years. In an ideal world, all parents and steps would get on, but in this case I think you probably need to take the hint.

[Aliiiii]

Well I know I've tried!!!! I've taken the hint, shame tho, as I would have no problem with my ex meeting my current partner!

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

No OP you are not entitled to meet her or have a chat with her. You have no reason to. Your sons other parent has met her and known her for 6 years, he deems her fine to be around your son.

Also, after 6 years, she knows what he's like. If he is a liar she will have caught him out on a few, dont worry- you dont need to enlighten her, she will know an has made her decision to marry him. Nothing you can say will change that. You dont get to marrying someone without having a pretty good idea of who they are.

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

And even if she doesnt know what he's like, her finding out will not benefit your son in any way. It would probably make life more difficult for your son actually if his father's relationship became troubled- especially because of something you did. You arent wanting to tell her for any good reason. Just to shit stir and it isnt worth it. You need to get over him.

[Aliiiii]

Oh I'm well and truly over him-trust me that happened before we split, all I'm trying to say is I find it incredible that another human being could stand by and watch her husband give pretty much no financial support to his son! I know I couldn't be with someone like that! Oh she knows what he's like! He slept with her best friend n told her n she still married him! I feel sorry for her, I don't want to stir shit at all, I just want my ex to accept his responsibilities! How far does he think £35 goes each month??!!! He's playing a game and I won't allow it to effect my son as much as I can-I have never had help with school uniform, clubs, school trips, bday parties or holidays! I'm a part time bank cashier what does he think I earn??
This guy is unbelievable-he asked me to contribute to taking my son on holiday to Florida FFS!! I told him if I had that type of money id be taking him myself!

I'm just frustrated by it all and ranting!!!

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

You know, i used to say "rant away, let it all out here" etc however i have noticed in my own experiences with my ex that the ranting actually just serves to anger me more and for longer. It is a situation that wont change, he won't change. Ranting, while totally justifiable and understandable, wont affect him or his behaviour in any way and if it's keeping you angry about a situation you can change then is it a good thing to rant or a bad thing? For me i've found myself so much happier now that i have accepted that ex is who he is and wont change and that ranting only damages me. When something happens (as there is always something) i now just shrug my shoulders, do whatever needs to be done for the dcs and move on. They dont need a pissed off mum.

Deep breaths, count to 10, go outside and scream, whatever it takes to let go of a quick burst of frustration and then just move on. He wont change.

[HavannaSlife]

Its just spite, if he was that worried about spending time with his son he would pick him up earlier and drop him off later.

He sounds very much like ds1s dad, regarding the money thing I had to let go in the end. It was making me really angry, which wasnt good for me! (And the csa were useless) Actually I learnt to let a lot of things go over the years, ds1 is 19 now and its been a long time since ive had to put up with his shit.

Even ds1 has very little to do with him anymore, due to his selfish behaviour over the years

[Aliiiii]

Thanks for all your replies!

Yep I know I need to let go as far as my ex and his behaviour is concerned, it has made me ill.

I have to understand that not everyone has the same attitude and morals, it's just so bloody hard at times.