Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I know I've overreacted...

(51 Posts)
rachel18 Thu 08-May-14 18:49:55

This is my first post....
I had twins 11 weeks ago by caeserean. My boyfriend has been looking at porn and ringing chatlines and I feel absolutely devastated at the moment. I know it's ridiculous, I never had this much of a problem with the porn before (I've only just found out about the chatlines - they hurt even more).
Basically I'm so jealous and I've been having such a go at him. It's not that I'm not giving him anything, it's just I've pretty much bled constantly since the birth, but i'll still give him something to get him off. I just hate the thought of him looking at women with flat stomachs who haven't had their stomach muscles ripped apart to get out 2 children :'( I still have such a big belly. I just need help rationalizing, I feel so stupid that I'm so upset about it, but the thing that gets me is that he will say so sincerely that he won't do it again, and then does it the next day as soon as I leave the house.

I don't know if I'm pissed off because it means that the bottles aren't sterilized because he's looking at porn, or the fact he's lied about it so much. He does cover his tracks but I have my way of finding out. I should never have gone through his phone but I had my reasons, I wasn't looking for anything to do with other women but then I saw something like 'Call us again to chat to our sexy ladies' BLEURGH.
Or maybe it's because I feel so low about myself at the mo.
We have talked about everything but things don't get any better. What gets me is how sincerely he promised he wouldn't do it so now I know what a good liar he is.
He promised me that it was only once he used the chatlines that it was stupid and he hung up, but I know this is a lie too... think that's what is getting to me now, as I gave him one evening to just say everything he needed to admit and get everything out in the open, but he didn't... when I KNOW he's done it a few times and he knew EXACTLY what to say...

Should I just be glad he's not out shagging 'real' women?

StormyBrid Thu 08-May-14 18:58:47

I don't think you need help rationalising. I think your bloke needs a bloody good kick up the arse. You've got not one but two babies under three months. Making sure he ejaculates frequently should be the last thing on both your minds.

You're feeling insecure quite understandably. Babies have a nasty habit of trashing their mother's bodies. Most of us feel insecure about our post baby bodies to some degree. A decent partner would be doing what he could to make you feel loved and beautiful regardless of the state of your stomach? Does yours do anything aside from making you feel inadequate?

oikopolis Thu 08-May-14 19:00:44

How are you overreacting? He's a liar, a habitual one at that. What a total knob.

If he's going to use porn and ring chatlines, he should at least hide it better from you, ffs. And not put salt in the wound by lying when he's caught.

Should I just be glad he's not out shagging 'real' women? please darling, don't think like this, it's not about not-cheating, it's about him being a lying liar who lies, to your face no less.

TheHoneyBadger Thu 08-May-14 19:01:29

sorry OP but you don't need help rationalising and you won't get that here. this isn't normal or ok, you are not overeacting or being jealous or silly or hormonal or whatever other put down of your feelings and common sense he might throw at it.

he's an arsehole.

TheHoneyBadger Thu 08-May-14 19:04:40

and it's about him making you feel like shit and not being able to be happy and focussed on the fact he's just become a father and supporting and cherishing you.

really is that what you want? i can assure that NO it's not just what men are like or normal. it's shitty, immature, ugly, selfish, abnormal behaviour.

new babies and twins to take care of? focus on your dick, watch porn and call chatlines. does that add up to you?

nice men are not something 'other' that a different breed of woman gets to have. to be a decent human being and love your partner and children and put them first is a basic - seriously absolutely basic. if you can't do that you don't deserve them and they'd be better off without you.

wrapsuperstar Thu 08-May-14 19:05:55

I can only echo the others. You aren't overreacting, he has shown great disrespect to his partner, the mother of his children.

He's an immature, selfish git. Some people rank this as a form of infidelity and relationships have ended for much less. Only you can decide whether his use of porn has a place in your relationship (I can't abide it), but clearly this behaviour is out of line by anyone's standards. Please don't blame yourself for his shit and do not think you need to be 'grateful' that it's this rather than trawling the bars for a cheap ONS. Some men don't do either! Remember you deserve better.

LineRunner Thu 08-May-14 19:11:56

He is not very nice to you at all.

He is not someone who will enrich your life. He will drain you. I'm so sorry.

You really do deserve much better than this.

TheHoneyBadger Thu 08-May-14 19:14:45

it's not even about fidelity - fidelity sits at the big boys table and this guy hasn't even earned a chair at that table.

he's a new father and he's busy phoning chat lines to wank over talking to some woman being paid ten pounds an hour to say, 'oh yeah baby, stick it in me baby' or whatever the hell you have to say to please these saddos.

like - really???? does that strike you as an adult or a vaguely decent normal intelligent person? the kind of person you want to say to your children YEP this is how to be, follow this model of behaviour!?

you are a mum, you have babies, this is the grown ups table and you're sat at it whether you like it or not because they (your children) demand it.

it's a wake up moment basically.

TheHoneyBadger Thu 08-May-14 19:17:35

(incidentally there is nothing to be 'jealous' about. jealous of what? some disinterested woman play acting for money probably whilst her baby is sleeping in the other room because she thought well i can do it from home and don't need to pay for childcare and at least i don't have to touch or see the sad disgusting wankers? seriously nothing to be jealous of - they're playing a role and he doesn't see them as even being real human beings. seriously - think what this says about his view of women)

badbaldingballerina123 Thu 08-May-14 19:19:19

If anything your under reacting. People have different views about porn but ringing chatlines is cheating in my book. How awful that he's behaving like this when you have lovely new babies.

I'd be tempted to tell him to leave and to take his pc with him. Then he can fiddle with his chopper all he wants. What a sleaze bag. It's not normal in any way at all.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 08-May-14 19:19:30

He's a lying wanker. Literally. You seem far too preoccupied with 'getting him off'.... He may think women (real or virtual) are just two-legged wank aids but please have more self-respect and not buy into his view of the world.

WhereTheWildlingsAre Thu 08-May-14 19:27:05

It's so sad that he is making you feel so shit about yourself! Of course your body isn't perfectly flat, you just been through a body changing, life changing experience and it takes a while.

Instead of making you feel so shit he should be thanking you for everything you have done and helping you every step of the way.

How dare he make you feel so inadequate sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 08-May-14 19:29:16

Is the '18' in your username your age?

scallopsrgreat Thu 08-May-14 19:34:02

You don't have to 'get him off' you know. He''ll survive. How do you think he'd react if you said no ?

He is making this a ridiculous priority for you because of his own sense of entitlement. Both of your focuses should be on your babies. His focus appears to be on his own wants.

mammadiggingdeep Thu 08-May-14 19:52:26

Oh my. You're not over reacting. Don't know what to advise but sending a hug.

Focus on yourself. Focus on your babies. He has let you down massively when you really needed him.

Cabrinha Thu 08-May-14 20:26:54

No, not seeing the over reaction here.
He's disgusting and is treating you appallingly. Calling a chatline is cheating.
The lies are even worse.
What on EARTH are you doing, with 11 week old twins, worrying about "getting him off". What a pig he is.
Honestly, in your position if I chose to stay it would only be for practical reasons temporarily, and all the while I'd be planning how I was going to get rid of the lying, cheating, disrespectful wanker.

evelynj Thu 08-May-14 20:59:16

Jeez, I'll be lucky if I'm interested in 'getting off' when my baby is 11 months never mind weeks.

He's totally entitled & immature. Aside from the moral side of things, What a waste of family money to ring chat lines & what a waste of time with the porn. If you manage to get all the baby stuff done then you should have equal time to relax. I'd be livid if my dp's concern was anything other than family care at this stage. It doesn't bode we'll for the future so you need to deal with it in a way that will shape your relationship going forward. He's a tosser atm & I hope for your sake he changes

rachel18 Thu 08-May-14 23:12:57

Thank you everyone so much for not making me feel stupid about this... I've googled it for years (my ex was completely addicted and that was part of the reason we split up) and most websites say 'get over it, it's normal' and that made me feel worse for feeling so bad about it!

The thing is, aside from all that he is a lovely man and a great dad and I do know he just wants the best for me and the twins but I'm just struggling to get past this

And no I'm a bit older than 18 (so is he so no excuse to be acting like a kid) it's my birthday date FYI! smile

Sorry, but a 'lovely man' and 'great dad' wouldn't be treating the mother of his children so appallingly.

Sorry - I pressed enter too soon - you deserve far, far better treatment than this.

AnyFucker Thu 08-May-14 23:20:10

You picked another shit one, sorry sad

mineofuselessinformation Thu 08-May-14 23:21:34

Yy to what pp have said. Tell him to get out if he can't help out and support you.
Why on ear is he putting his needs first when you have two babies to look after and an operation to recover from?

mineofuselessinformation Thu 08-May-14 23:22:02


rachel18 Thu 08-May-14 23:23:27

Oh and also I feel I should add that he never pressures me into anything but I DO want to do things, it's not a priority for me but I do miss it, only problem is I think the porn has made him lazy.... As in I don't really get much out of it, i don't think I've had an O for over 8 months at least!
And it's not like I'd have the time to sut there and do it myself... So maybe I'm just jealous that he actually gets time to himself!

Agh I'm driving myself insane thinking that's what he does as soon as I go out (which isn't often to be fair!)

I'm sure I can get past the porn when I get my body confidence back but not the chatlines, I feel that's a step too far...

He is doing the bottles as I write this and I feel bad now... After our last discussion about it , he realised how upset I was and he said he'd make it up to me which he is sad but again... I've seen and heard the sincerity before...
And im struggling to get over it

Thank you again everyone, was expecting a backlash of 'its normal and I need to get over it' smile

Locketjuice Thu 08-May-14 23:37:30

It's not you! It's him! I have been in this situation so many times sad

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now