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Am I being over worried or is this a red flag?

(244 Posts)
Hormonalhell Sun 04-May-14 18:04:26

Been seeing my guy couple of months. We've been so happy last few weeks and even said the 'L' word to each other. We've met each other's kids and spend a lot of time together. Had an amazing last few days then yesterday I received a drunken message from an old flame on FB. The text was quite suggestive and my guy was pretty pissed off! He told the guy not to contact me again.

Since then things went downhill, I thought he seemed a bit cool and was suppose to come over tonight. He cancelled saying he going out with his sister now instead.

I just feel really upset although he says we are fine, just have a gut feeling things going wrong.

Just wondered if it me being paranoid?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 04-May-14 18:11:16

No, you are right to be concerned.

It all sounds like too much and too soon bearing in mind you have both met each others children after such a very short time. You still barely know each other after all.

Never ignore your gut feelings re him at all.

Next time also do not rush in headlong.

Handywoman Sun 04-May-14 18:18:54

Large red flag. Your instincts are right. Personally I would bin. Bin bin bin bin bin. You are worthy of a loving, respectful and supportive relationship. This is not it.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 04-May-14 18:20:27

I wrote "next time" as well because this man needs to be binned as of now.

Do not rush in so much in your next relationship either.

Hormonalhell Sun 04-May-14 18:38:27

Please would you explain why you think I should bin him? Prior to this he made me blissfully happy. Should I give up on him so easily?hmm

Madlizzy Sun 04-May-14 18:44:45

He feels threatened that someone, out of the blue, messaged you suggestively. The fact that you didn't invite the comment nor respond in kind hasn't stopped him effectively "punishing you" for want of a better word. It also should have been up to you to tell the other man no thank you, rather than him getting all alpha male and doing it for you. Methinks this man has issues with jealousy, and that's no fun at all. I agree that you should get out now before you get in any deeper. Oh, and wait a while longer before introducing to your children next time, they'll thank you for it.

neiljames77 Sun 04-May-14 18:50:27

Agree with Madlizzy. He's jealous.

vertec Sun 04-May-14 18:51:09

I think people are being a bit unfair here. He was obviously hurt by your old flame's message and perhaps a bit scared you might take him up on the offer. So I think he's just trying to lessen his hurt by putting a bit of distance between you. It's no doubt temporary.

I think a message from you along the lines of "I'm sorry you saw that, don't be worried I'm totally not interested! Looking forward to seeing you again on x day" would do wonders.

People - men and women - are all over the place in the early stages of a relationship, so I'd cut him some slack.

Pagwatch Sun 04-May-14 18:52:41

He contacted the guy telling him not to contact you again?

How did he see the original message?

Hormonalhell Sun 04-May-14 18:53:29

I thought similar to you Vertec. He really isn't a possessive kind of man, he quite confident and he 7 years younger than me.

Hormonalhell Sun 04-May-14 18:54:50

I showed him the message Pagwatch as I didn't want him to think I was hiding messages like that from him. He says he trusts me.

Pagwatch Sun 04-May-14 18:59:17

Tbh there is a lot of nonsense there .
He trusts you but you feel the need to show him a rude drunken text - why not just delete it and block the ex.
And his contacting the other guy is a bit childish.

ihatethecold Sun 04-May-14 18:59:27

Why would you show him the message, surely you would just reply saying not interested and delete.

Hormonalhell Sun 04-May-14 19:07:40

Had I been alone I probably would have but we were looking at FB and the message was there n he saw it.

Pagwatch Sun 04-May-14 19:20:58

So you let him reply for you?

Look. I get I sound a bit snippy but honestly, it's a bit teenage drama strop.

He must have seen you did nothing to invite it, he replied (which is odd) and now he's cool with you.

I would wait to see if he gets over himself.
And perhaps joint fb sessions arn't a great idea.

RedRoom Sun 04-May-14 19:21:16

What reason did he give you for cancelling? Unless it's a genuine one, cancelling plans with you at the last minute in order to go out with his sister is a childish way of getting back at you for receiving that message. You did nothing wrong.

I'd be wary of a man who has huffs and gives you the silent treatment after so short a time and over such trivial things: it's an immature way of dealing with issues and I can't bear men who sulk.

KellyHopter Sun 04-May-14 19:22:41

It may be less about the old flame and more about you choosing to show him the message.

I'm sure standard advice here (for someone in fairly new relationship being shown a flirty message in the spirit of 'not hiding anything') would be to back off as almost certainly game playing. I'd agree with that.

Seems red flags are in the eye of the beholder.

Hormonalhell Sun 04-May-14 19:44:49

As I said Kelly we were looking at FB together n the message was there unopened ( I hadn't realised it was there) and he saw it.

Definitely not game playing, I'm mad about him hmm

JeanSeberg Sun 04-May-14 19:49:09

Irrespective of this fb incident, it's all far too intense. Only 8 weeks yet you've met each other's kids, said you love each other, joint fb sessions.

Slow down!

Pagwatch Sun 04-May-14 19:49:49

It might be worth reconsidering how you feel about him.
Can you still be mad about him now you know he is possessive and sulky?

Were you not cross that he replied telling the other guy not to contact you? I wold be massively pissed off if someone did the online equivalent of peeing on me.

Hormonalhell Sun 04-May-14 20:07:26

No I wasn't cross because the other guy is a sleazeball who I'm not remotely interested in. I'm only interested in him.

Yes it is very intense, but we both happy with the progression of it.

expatinscotland Sun 04-May-14 20:16:49

You've known this person eight weeks.

lolaisafuckertoo Sun 04-May-14 20:17:35

So if you know you are mad about him and all the rest....why are you asking if it is a red flag. You seem to know what you want to do? Wat is it you want to know? That you did the right thing? That he is lovely but..

Pagwatch Sun 04-May-14 20:18:10

confused Why are you friends with a sleazeball?
Why can you not deal with him yourself but need your boyfriend to reply for you?

<plans another talk with DD>

lolaisafuckertoo Sun 04-May-14 20:18:28

YOu sound both very absorbed with one another. Perhaps he has come up for air and you feel insecure

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