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Am I being oversensitive (re joint birthday celebration for me and two other friends which mutual friends are invited to - they are choosing a date I can't do!

(33 Posts)
hmc Sun 04-May-14 16:11:11

So three of us have birthdays around the same time. One of us emailed all close friends (8 of us altogether) to arrange a joint birthday. We have a tradition of celebrating each others birthdays - the other 7 of us usually chip in a fiver or so and buy a gift too....and generally we have 8 birthday get togethers per year

However, the friend who emailed didn't check first with the other two birthday celebrants (me and one other) which dates we could do but just put a selection of evening and lunch time dates out there for replies (which no doubt suited her). Most replies have come back favouring a Friday night which I can't make:

here is a little something from the email:

"Friday is good for almost nearly all of us, except that hmc can't make it (which is a big shame as hers is one of the birthdays we're celebrating).

If we go for this date, Mads is kindly offering for us to go to her house for a combo of new puppy cuddling, wine swilling and snacking! However, we could arrange to go out one Friday in a few weeks time in the hopes of getting us all together...

What do you all think?"


I'm not sure why the alternative to going out on this particular date has to be a day "in a few weeks time", her original email suggested 3 other evenings dates in the week following the Friday (all of which I could do)

I just feel royally pissed off and like I don't matter. Clearly some peoples birthdays are more important than others. Not all have replied yet but one (whom I regarded as a close friend) has said that Friday night at Mads' house sounds great.

They had better not chip in and buy me a gift because quite frankly they know where they can shove it

hmc Sun 04-May-14 16:17:45


trixymalixy Sun 04-May-14 16:20:29

How rude!! I would be fuming too.

hmc Sun 04-May-14 16:21:43

It's not just me being thin skinned then....

I'm hurt and disappointed more than cross sad

HandragsNGladbags Sun 04-May-14 16:22:33

I'd send an email saying "Noooooooooo, I can't miss out on my own birthday celebration!! Can we do x/y/z date please guys? Thanks for the offer though Mads"

hmc Sun 04-May-14 16:22:44

Well actually I am cross too wink

HandragsNGladbags Sun 04-May-14 16:24:46

Or you could get in with a date before hers, but that would be petty... wink smile

hmc Sun 04-May-14 16:24:47

That's what dh thinks HandRags....but I don't want to 'guilt' them into it, I want them to decide for themselves unprompted that they can't possible go ahead on a date that doesn't suit one of the Birthday girls (that's probably a bit precious)

HandragsNGladbags Sun 04-May-14 16:27:01

They won't think you are bothered if you make out you aren't - most people are too busy for any type of deep thinking.

You need to politely say no you want to be there, and give suggestions as to when is good.

That's not guilting anyone into it.

anyoldname76 Sun 04-May-14 16:27:12

I would do want handrags suggested, no point quietly seething about it, they may think your not bothered about missing out else

AuntieMaggie Sun 04-May-14 16:29:57

Has she written off the three other evenings because other people can't make them?

If the other two birthday girls want to celebrate that Friday its not ideal but I think its their choice when they want to celebrate it.

MaryWestmacott Sun 04-May-14 16:30:38

go with handrag's message - if they still go ahead with the "dinner at Mags for your birthday without you" suggestion, then you should be 'busy' at all other birthdays!

hmc Sun 04-May-14 16:30:40

Hmm - okay, you're no doubt right!

They just haven't thought about it and would probably be upset if they realised that I was upset. I guess I ought to say something rather than sulk

Dh says that I give the impression of being low key about my birthday....

NickiFury Sun 04-May-14 16:32:08

If be pissed off too and that email makes me want to throw up.

hmc Sun 04-May-14 16:32:28

AuntieMAggie, I suspect she had written off the other 3 evenings dates because she personally prefers the Friday (and the other days are week day nights).

magentastardust Sun 04-May-14 16:34:38

Do they know that you can't make Fridays?
I work on Saturday's during the day 9am-5pm , it is amazing the amount of close friends that still try and arrange one on one (not just group) things with me on a Sat. People sometimes just don't take it in.

I would reply saying hold up, can we please pick an option where I can make it - I would really like to be there to celebrate my birthday! If you did one of the other dates what is the problem-can other people then not do it -if there isn't a reason for an alternative date they shouldn't have an issue?

hmc Sun 04-May-14 16:36:06

grin @ Nicki

Disclaimer, I do like the friend who has arranged this. Its a bit out of character - she is usually very considerate etc. Perhaps she really needs a night out and wants to make it a 'large' one! (rather than a 10pm mid week finish)

In fact I like them all a great deal (hence why I'm peturbed)

hmc Sun 04-May-14 16:37:17

magenta - I can do other Fridays, just not that one. I suspect that she can't though because she always has tonnes on and is over committed

StealthPolarBear Sun 04-May-14 16:37:18

yanbu - the implication is that all the others have to be able to make it but if you can't they'll go ahead without you
As you say though it's likely just her preference

StealthPolarBear Sun 04-May-14 16:37:53

if they are usually nice then give the benefit of the doubt and do as magenta says

thornrose Sun 04-May-14 16:39:56

I'd feel exactly the same as you hmc but don't let it fester, tell them that you'll be hurt if they celebrate without you. Especially if your dh is right and you come off as not really being too bothered.

I have a habit of expecting people to know how I am feeling because I'm very intuitive of others feelings but I'm often disappointed.

magentastardust Sun 04-May-14 16:42:44

I have a friend like that who always initiates the email and sends it out for times and locations that suit her a lot better than everyone else. Normally means some travel or juggling about for everyone apart from her ...however we can't really moan as she initiates the get together and no one else would get round to it so I guess its almost organisers perks-especially if they have an already busy social life.
Defintely don't say nothing -It obviously does matter to you and you would like to celebrate your birthday with your friends so make sure it happens as your DH says -don't give the impression you aren't bothered if you are.
Sort it out , let us know what's happening and then enjoy your night out!

hmc Sun 04-May-14 16:45:24

Thank you for the advice everyone.

"I have a habit of expecting people to know how I am feeling because I'm very intuitive of others feelings but I'm often disappointed."

Thornrose - exactly that! Am just the same

Itsfab Sun 04-May-14 16:45:40

I can't get my head around celebrating the birthday of someone who won't be there and the wording in the email is not what I would expect from a grown up.

cake for you, hmc, and lots of wine.

hmc Sun 04-May-14 16:45:52

Oh yes, and I will let you know how it turns out smile

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