I hope you don't mind if I write a bit about my parents. (I've changed my name!)
I struggle a lot with anxiety and negative thoughts about myself (waking up at night preoccupied with what a scumbag I am). Most of the missteps I've taken in life are down to lack of confidence. Empirically I'm skilled, responsible, am generally a good and thoughtful person. This year, at 39, I just got fed up with it and tried to snap out of it.
I feel a sea change. But part of it is really looking at how things were when I was growing up.
In essence: in a family of nine when things go wrong they go spectacularly wrong. My father could be loving but when I hit puberty he soured on me. He was like that with all the kids. I mean, the bad names were hard but even worse was just this constant attitude like, "Ugh, who is this disgusting person in my house?" There was a lot of fighting between my parents and on a few occasions he hit my mother. I had an elder brother who, when I was 12 and he 17, decided he was "sexually obsessed" with me, which disgusted my parents even more. Brother was an inpatient for a while at a psych ward which gave me a little break.
My mother moved out when I was 14. I think the situation was supposed to be joint custody, but she moved into a place that didn't have room for us. My father moved in with his new girlfriend and her kids. There was a basement couch for me to sleep on there, the laundry room had beds for my little brothers. I think both of my parents were just in this attitude of wanting a new life and putting all the old crap behind them.
I don't spend much time with either of them. I'm not close with any of my siblings either. When you're just sort of stuck in a house with people, competing over scarce resources, you don't develop friendly feelings.
I've tried therapy but honestly I've never really been impressed with it. It felt awkward, mostly. The last therapist said I seemed to be doing fine so we could wrap things up in fewer sessions than usual! Like she wanted me to congratulate her.
I would really like to just go through life feeling like I deserve to be here.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
bad messages from parents
buttheydo · 03/05/2014 22:21
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