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Extracmarital friendship about to turn into love affair

(37 Posts)
Pussycat02 Sat 03-May-14 20:28:10

Hi just wondered if anyone has been in my situation and what the outcome was. Iv been married for 23 years and last year met a divorced guy who I kinda new when my kids were at nursery with his. Over the past year we've got very close texting cuddling meeting for lunch coffee etc and he's all I think about. He's a decent guy dosent want to break up my marraige won't sleep with me until I'm 100 percent sure I want to leave my marraige for him. Has anyone left a marraige this way , my husband is more like a brother to me and I feel I have to make a decision

Pussycat02 Sun 04-May-14 20:42:20

Thank you everyone especially purple gadget i havent slept with om yet i have listened to everyones advice and i no what i have to do probs end marraige first otherwise it will be a lot worse x

purplegadget Sun 04-May-14 15:43:37

I wish you well pussycat.

purplegadget Sun 04-May-14 15:41:23

My husband is like a brother to me. There is a massive part of my marriage that has gone missing over the past 10 years or so. There was an OM in my life for a short time but he's gone now. I felt the same before about my marriage as I do now. It was what's missing that made me vulnerable to an OM (this isn't an excuse it's one of the reasons, I fully accept that it was my choice to get involved with someone else).

I'm trying to decide what to do now - the same choice that I think you need to make. Either something needs to change in your marriage, you need to decide to settle for companionship with a brother figure or you need to leave your marriage. It would be best to decide what to do without an OM in the background. You can end it with the OM - it's damn hard but you can. And, maybe if you decide to leave your marriage he'll still be around when the dust settles and you are available. Then you'll be in a better position to decide whether you want a relationship with him 'in real life'.

There can be immense pressure on a relationship that one party has left a marriage for to be perfect, to be worth it, there can be lots of pressure to make it work when really it's not right in the long term. This can make for very poor decision making and even more pain.

ravenmum Sun 04-May-14 12:06:13

When this comes out, which it will, don't tell your husband that you hid it from him because you didn't want to hurt him. My husband says that and it makes me want to vomit. The idea that he was being kind to me by sleeping with another woman behind my back is one that you can only come up with if you are the adulterer and want to feel better about yourself.

BillyBanter Sun 04-May-14 11:55:13

If you want to leave your marriage then leave your marriage, regardless of whether you have someone waiting in the wings or not.

If you want to give your marriage a chance then you have to cut contact with this man completely and sincerely commit yourself fully to working on your marriage. If this means that your marriage ends up over at some point in the future and you've missed out on this man then so be it.

One or the other, not both.

frogslegs35 Sun 04-May-14 11:48:51

With a lot of others here - End your marriage if you're not happy.
Nothing good will come from cheating and even if you see your dh as a brother - would you willingly, intentionally go out to hurt and cause immense pain to your own brother ?

There must be something missing in your marriage if you're thinking about this so you must decide.

Hissy Sun 04-May-14 09:44:16

If you want out, end it with both H and this bloke, get divorced etc and then look at who you are. Only when you know yourself better will you be ready to start a new relationship.

Hissy Sun 04-May-14 09:42:26

Don't fall for this! He's seeing you as a conquest and will probably ftfo if you do leave your H.

No decent bloke would cuddle and canoodle with a woman married to someone else.

He sees you as vulnerable. You're a target.

WildBill Sun 04-May-14 09:42:02

You do have to make a decision.
Your kids are grown. People change hugely in 23 years. Marriages don't end overnight, they usually die slowly over a long period. I don't think you would be in the situation you are now if everything was ok with your H.

I don't really see this friend as the OM, he has told you he doesn't wish to get involved unless you see your marriage as over and are prepared to leave, that is, he isn't willing just to be an affair partner.

Relationships end/start usually not in nice tidy punctuated stages as most wish. Your situation is as tidy as it gets given the circumstances but you do need to choose, you don't get to 'try before you buy'.
There will be fallout.

Upnotdown Sun 04-May-14 08:36:38

Don't stay in a marriage for your kids or to save your DH's feelings. IMO, that's worse than having an affair (in the long run). End it properly and let your DH go and find someone to cuddle up to instead of wondering where you are and why you're being so cold towards him (even if you think you're not, you'll be miles away whenever you're together) or thinking you're ill/depressed. Do the decent thing before you make plans to run off into the sunset with Loverboy.

You will have to accept that your children's sympathies/understanding will lie with their DF and not with you. That's the bed you made when you decided getting close to someone else behind your DH's back was an acceptable thing to do. Whether or not YOU see him as a brother, your kids can only see him as their dad. And you're about to inflict a lot of pain (not symptomatic end of a relationship pain, pain caused by betrayal).

And it seems pointless saying this because you've already done it. Why don't people think before making eyes at someone new? It's not rocket science...

Casmama Sun 04-May-14 01:01:23

What sort of ok are you hoping for? Your kids and dh to say "absolutely you put yourself first, we hope you will be very happy with om, you have our blessing"?

Don't be fucking naive! You are talking about destroying your children's family and forcing you dh to be be a single man after 23 years of marriage- they're not going to be happy!

You have the right to leave your marriage and you may or may not have a future with om but at least go into it with your eyes open- you will cause a lot of pain.

neiljames77 Sun 04-May-14 00:57:54

You're obviously going to do something with this bloke so end it with your husband first before you do anything. If you were happy, this wouldn't even cross your mind.

Terrortree Sun 04-May-14 00:47:28

You are angling for stories that end 'okay'. You are actively not wanting to hear the stories that aren't okay.

I find that quite telling

'Want' does not always get.

Mrscaindingle Sun 04-May-14 00:43:49

Like piginpoo I have been on the receiving end of this when my OH of 19 years ended our marriage last year because he had become close to another (younger) woman.
The fall out from this has been massive, do not under estimate the pain caused by an emotional affair it is still an affair in my book and in many ways much more damaging than an affair purely based on sex.
DS1 has not spoken to his Dad in 8 months and tells me he no longer has a Dad which breaks my heart as this is never what I planned for our children and I just hope he is not too damaged in the long run.

By all means end your marriage if you no longer love your husband but do not do it just because you have a newer more exciting man waiting in the wings. Your husband can never compete with that, you really need to end both relationships first. Somehow I have a feeling you won't do that though...

beezlebop Sun 04-May-14 00:36:50

Yuck how sleazy.

Cantremembermyid Sat 03-May-14 23:23:51

Been there. Don't do it, it's uglier than you think.

piginpoo Sat 03-May-14 23:13:11

My DH has just told me he has had an affair - we have been married 20 years in July. He too got very close to someone over a period of time before taking it a stage further. He chose to do this and is now suffering the consequences. DD today told him she hates him. He probably would have described our relationship like yours. You are the person breaking up your marriage and if you have any decency in you you should give your DH the opportunity to address what you think may be wrong before you continue any further. No doubt your DH will have picked up on your emotional absence over the past year.

doziedoozie Sat 03-May-14 23:07:58

It sounds as if you are just going to pack a bag and move to the new partner and that's it.
There will be the fall out from your DCs, your DH adapting to being single again, your new partner's DCs, how the finances/house will be shared, your pension arrangements etc etc

It would sound an arrangement with more chance of success if you had tried to save your marriage, failed, then separated, divorced and finally got together with a new partner, not the other way round.

blueshoes Sat 03-May-14 22:49:25

OP, you said this guy does not want to break up your marriage. Are you sure that if you leave your husband he actually wants something more permanent with you than an occasional shag?

jessiaubrey Sat 03-May-14 22:33:16

Hi there,

Just thought I would throw in my experience for you.

I was nearly 18 when my mother cheated on my father, they weren't happy for a long time and I knew this and I was actually happy when they did. But I've always felt quite abandoned by my mother and very upset about what she did.

I've been in counselling for a few years now and I've come to realise that I felt that she cheated on me and my sister too.

I've tried very hard to forgive my mother and understand why she did what she did but I can't, and sadly I don't think I ever will.

Difficultdecisions Sat 03-May-14 21:44:41

I have name changed for this but feel in a similar situation as the OP. I have not felt fulfilled in my marriage for a long time but have stayed for DC sake. They are getting older now and teenagers and don't particularly get on with their father. I have very recently met a new colleague at work who I am very attracted to. He is very different from my DH. We get on well but haven't taken it any further than chatting. I am trying to talk some sense into myself and stop this before it becomes a mess but it is making me see that I have been unhappy for a while and that I will need to make some decisions about my commitment. I hadn't looked for this relationship and feel very confused by my feelings.

Sorry for hijacking the thread.

magoria Sat 03-May-14 21:12:55

Of course you only think of your H like a brother you are busy putting all of your emotional energies into another man.

If you want to end your relationship do so but not to hop straight to another.

Take some time to be alone for you and your children to adjust before dragging them straight into something else.

If it is meant to be he will still be there in 6 months.

Bigviking Sat 03-May-14 21:01:04

From personal experience no, it won't work. What you have with OM isn't real, it's fantasy at the moment. And OM will be clouding your judgement of DH. My advice would be to step away from OM, take a proper look at your marriage and then make a decision. Once you cross the line there's no going back and if it's the wrong decision, misery all round.

Sorry to sound so negative!

LEMmingaround Sat 03-May-14 20:55:05

are you unhappy with your DH?

ClubName Sat 03-May-14 20:49:36

I don't think it's as black and white as pp have suggested.

I think it's entirely possible for these kind if feelings to sneak up on perfectly decent people who a few months ago would never have dreamed of such behaviour and who would have condemned it in others. You and he feel torn and it almost seems like cheating is the kindest thing to do - if no-one finds our no-one gets hurt.

What i can tell you with absolute certainty is that , if you and om are decent people, this Will bring you nothing but misery

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