Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Extracmarital friendship about to turn into love affair

(37 Posts)
Pussycat02 Sat 03-May-14 20:28:10

Hi just wondered if anyone has been in my situation and what the outcome was. Iv been married for 23 years and last year met a divorced guy who I kinda new when my kids were at nursery with his. Over the past year we've got very close texting cuddling meeting for lunch coffee etc and he's all I think about. He's a decent guy dosent want to break up my marraige won't sleep with me until I'm 100 percent sure I want to leave my marraige for him. Has anyone left a marraige this way , my husband is more like a brother to me and I feel I have to make a decision

neiljames77 Sun 04-May-14 00:57:54

You're obviously going to do something with this bloke so end it with your husband first before you do anything. If you were happy, this wouldn't even cross your mind.

Casmama Sun 04-May-14 01:01:23

What sort of ok are you hoping for? Your kids and dh to say "absolutely you put yourself first, we hope you will be very happy with om, you have our blessing"?

Don't be fucking naive! You are talking about destroying your children's family and forcing you dh to be be a single man after 23 years of marriage- they're not going to be happy!

You have the right to leave your marriage and you may or may not have a future with om but at least go into it with your eyes open- you will cause a lot of pain.

Upnotdown Sun 04-May-14 08:36:38

Don't stay in a marriage for your kids or to save your DH's feelings. IMO, that's worse than having an affair (in the long run). End it properly and let your DH go and find someone to cuddle up to instead of wondering where you are and why you're being so cold towards him (even if you think you're not, you'll be miles away whenever you're together) or thinking you're ill/depressed. Do the decent thing before you make plans to run off into the sunset with Loverboy.

You will have to accept that your children's sympathies/understanding will lie with their DF and not with you. That's the bed you made when you decided getting close to someone else behind your DH's back was an acceptable thing to do. Whether or not YOU see him as a brother, your kids can only see him as their dad. And you're about to inflict a lot of pain (not symptomatic end of a relationship pain, pain caused by betrayal).

And it seems pointless saying this because you've already done it. Why don't people think before making eyes at someone new? It's not rocket science...

WildBill Sun 04-May-14 09:42:02

You do have to make a decision.
Your kids are grown. People change hugely in 23 years. Marriages don't end overnight, they usually die slowly over a long period. I don't think you would be in the situation you are now if everything was ok with your H.

I don't really see this friend as the OM, he has told you he doesn't wish to get involved unless you see your marriage as over and are prepared to leave, that is, he isn't willing just to be an affair partner.

Relationships end/start usually not in nice tidy punctuated stages as most wish. Your situation is as tidy as it gets given the circumstances but you do need to choose, you don't get to 'try before you buy'.
There will be fallout.

Hissy Sun 04-May-14 09:42:26

Don't fall for this! He's seeing you as a conquest and will probably ftfo if you do leave your H.

No decent bloke would cuddle and canoodle with a woman married to someone else.

He sees you as vulnerable. You're a target.

Hissy Sun 04-May-14 09:44:16

If you want out, end it with both H and this bloke, get divorced etc and then look at who you are. Only when you know yourself better will you be ready to start a new relationship.

frogslegs35 Sun 04-May-14 11:48:51

With a lot of others here - End your marriage if you're not happy.
Nothing good will come from cheating and even if you see your dh as a brother - would you willingly, intentionally go out to hurt and cause immense pain to your own brother ?

There must be something missing in your marriage if you're thinking about this so you must decide.

BillyBanter Sun 04-May-14 11:55:13

If you want to leave your marriage then leave your marriage, regardless of whether you have someone waiting in the wings or not.

If you want to give your marriage a chance then you have to cut contact with this man completely and sincerely commit yourself fully to working on your marriage. If this means that your marriage ends up over at some point in the future and you've missed out on this man then so be it.

One or the other, not both.

ravenmum Sun 04-May-14 12:06:13

When this comes out, which it will, don't tell your husband that you hid it from him because you didn't want to hurt him. My husband says that and it makes me want to vomit. The idea that he was being kind to me by sleeping with another woman behind my back is one that you can only come up with if you are the adulterer and want to feel better about yourself.

purplegadget Sun 04-May-14 15:41:23

My husband is like a brother to me. There is a massive part of my marriage that has gone missing over the past 10 years or so. There was an OM in my life for a short time but he's gone now. I felt the same before about my marriage as I do now. It was what's missing that made me vulnerable to an OM (this isn't an excuse it's one of the reasons, I fully accept that it was my choice to get involved with someone else).

I'm trying to decide what to do now - the same choice that I think you need to make. Either something needs to change in your marriage, you need to decide to settle for companionship with a brother figure or you need to leave your marriage. It would be best to decide what to do without an OM in the background. You can end it with the OM - it's damn hard but you can. And, maybe if you decide to leave your marriage he'll still be around when the dust settles and you are available. Then you'll be in a better position to decide whether you want a relationship with him 'in real life'.

There can be immense pressure on a relationship that one party has left a marriage for to be perfect, to be worth it, there can be lots of pressure to make it work when really it's not right in the long term. This can make for very poor decision making and even more pain.

purplegadget Sun 04-May-14 15:43:37

I wish you well pussycat.

Pussycat02 Sun 04-May-14 20:42:20

Thank you everyone especially purple gadget i havent slept with om yet i have listened to everyones advice and i no what i have to do probs end marraige first otherwise it will be a lot worse x

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now