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Babys Surname - how important is it?

(70 Posts)
Seasidegirly Fri 02-May-14 15:51:16

Hi - wasn't sure which section to put this but I wonder if someone could give me some insight into situation. I am 5 months pregnant with my first child at 41. Pregnancy was a total shock and the father (who's a bit younger than me) did not take the news very well at all. At the beginning of the pregnancy I said the baby could have the fathers surname with my surname as a double barrelled name. The dad seemed to come to terms with the pregnancy and we talked about first names and started to look forward to it. Fast forward and a couple of months and the dad said he did not want to be with me anymore but would always be there for the child.

Anyways, after speaking to a few friends, they suggested that I didn't give the child the double barrelled surname - just my surname as they were unconvinced that he would stick around (he's not been to the 13 or 20 week scan). So, this week I have told him that I would put his surname as a middle name. This has totally flipped him. Said I was a complete liar from the start of the pregnancy and he didn't believe he was the father anymore as I didn't want the child to have his surname. He has now posted a pic of the 13 week scan pic through my door and said he I would not hear from him again . I am gutted. My question is how important is the surname to the dad? Was this just an excuse that he needed to do one? Thanks

HermioneWeasley Sat 03-May-14 08:47:24

Agree with others saying give your child your name, and do NOT put him on the birth certificate

CookieDoughKid Sat 03-May-14 08:59:28

I'm sorry to go against the grain here but I think the father has a say and a right to name his child too. I don't sit well that this can't be worked out. I know he's a fucker but some men takes a while to come to terms. It really is a shock and he may be carrying a lot of fear. When the baby arrives and grows he may be able to establish a positive bond to the baby. He may not be your ideal but I would emphasise the need to keep the door open whilst keeping your mental health intact!

Hissy Sat 03-May-14 09:08:17

Register the baby alone, then the father can't go on the bC.

Register YOUR surname. It gives your baby a connection to you. The one that IS there for him/her.

I was with my ex when DS was born/registered. We're not together anymore, and Ex is now abroad and has been so for 3 years. He was abusive to me, so contact is purely due to DS.

I did register ds with Ex name. I kind of wish I didn't, but apparently inheritance in Ex country is impossible if a western name/name different to the father is used.

At school though he's now only known as <firstname> <MY surname>.

When I registered him for infant school I used his official name as I had to, but stated a 'known as' name. When he went from one school to the next, I didn't bother with the official name, so he only has MY name.

This gives him the right in the future to choose. He could get passports etc in my name if he can prove a link to it, which he can,

In your situation love, (and actually in ALL unmarried cases) i'd strongly recommend that the mother's name is used. No unmarried partner has the right to complain imho, as if they marry you, the bC etc and name can be automatically changed.

Give your child the link to you, not to someone who looks set to only ever disappoint you/them.

It's bad enough realising that the living being that you most love in all the world has a woefully idiotic father, but don't further rub it into your own wounds by bestowing the honour of furthering his lineage when he's done nothing to support either of you.

CookieDoughKid Sat 03-May-14 09:16:56

Just to add I mean if father wants nothing to do with baby whatsoever then of course your name only. But is he reacting because of the shock ?

weatherall Sat 03-May-14 09:57:21

Cookie- he's not a father yet- he's someone who had sex with OP. Her body, her choice. Do you think 'fathers' should have a right to a say in abortion?

Not having the same surname is no barrier to him being a good father if he wants.

No man ever hung around because of the surname 'bond'.

fifi669 Sat 03-May-14 10:41:14

I really don't think her body, her choice comes into naming a child that has been born!

Seasidegirly Sat 03-May-14 10:56:24

I will always let him see the child and I am still going to put his name on the birth certificate. He said some awful things to me and pushed for an abortion. I know it's because he's petrified but then again I was completely floored being 41 and my first baby smile

Horsemad Sat 03-May-14 11:20:38

I don't think you can put his name on the birth cert unless he is present when you register your DC.

MargotThreadbetter Sat 03-May-14 12:08:33

Mine was the same OP - and I was 44 first baby!
Ex now regrets DS not having his name, but tough. He was off busy setting up home with OW and her child and I knew that I wanted the baby that I was raising alone to have my name.
Ex lives abroad anyway, and DS will be able to change/double barrel his name when he's older if he wants.
Your baby's father's family may be hmm as mine were, but sod 'em!

getthefeckouttahere Sat 03-May-14 13:12:26

Give your kid whatever name you choose, he has forfeited the right to have a say.

I feel sorry for him that he feels so negatively about what could be the best thing that has ever happened to him, fatherhood. Just don't let his behaviour lessen your enjoyment of your child!

Blu Sat 03-May-14 17:31:27

fifi66 - tell your relatives that you will all have the same names on marriage - yours.

Since 3 of you already have the same name, why doesn't he change his name to yours?

LadySybilLikesCake Sat 03-May-14 17:37:30

Ds has my surname. His father wasn't supportive (understatement) during my pregnancy and I suspected that he'd be just as 'supportive' afterwards. I also knew it could cause issues with school/passport etc. I gave ds his father's first name as a middle name though (wish I hadn't but it could be worse).

I was right about how 'supportive' he'd be after ds was born. He left the UK when ds was 3.

lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout Sat 03-May-14 22:42:10

D.P and and are ttc and I have always maintained that if I do get pregnant the baby will go in my name, it's not negotiable but he will be able to choose his/her first name. D.D is also in my name. It's each to their own though. I had a friend who put her child in its father's name because she liked his surname. (confused face). Almost 4got congratulations on your precious impending arrival.xx

fifi669 Sun 04-May-14 00:39:26

blu I have an incredibly common popular surname, whereas DPs is a shortened version of a foreign name so as far as we know is unique. If you were to google his surname, only his family appear.

I am quite attached to my name, though I am quite traditional too. We'll see how it pans out, a wedding isn't on the cards yet.

WutheringTights Sun 04-May-14 08:18:41

I've been married 10 years, committed relationship, planned baby etc but didn't change my name when I got married. By mutual agreement with DH, DS has my surname. Your ex is being a controlling cock. Ignore him.

LadySybilLikesCake Sun 04-May-14 10:45:24

I hate my surname but I disliked him his more. It didn't sit right with me after all that he'd done to give him this honour. My father was pleased though, it carried on his surname.

I have some advice for you, if that's OK. I think that it will really help you in the future. Having been through this first hand, it's how I've managed and hopefully it will help you too.

You're going to have to stay strong with this one, Seaside. Once they show they are a controlling cock, they never change. Make sure you get the CSA involved at the first opportunity as the main way a controlling cock can and will control you is by stopping maintenance payments when you don't do as they demand. Expect demands for access to your child without notice too, and expect to be yelled at/gaslighted/manipulated when you say that you've already made plans. If you do go ahead with contact (I did as I thought it was in ds's best interests) then go for something formal, so see a solicitor. A controlling cock will want everything on their terms or they will sulk (as you've seen here). It's perfectly OK for them (in their eyes) not to see their child for months, nor contact them (or in our case, years) and then turn up and make contact demands for the next day (our already made plans - a day in London, tickets booked etc- just spoiled his 2 hours so he went bat shit). Inconsistent contact for a child has effects on their self esteem and it knocks their feelings of being secure and wanted, so please make it something formal and don't allow your child to be picked up and put down like a toy.

I hope this helps.

zebrastripe Sun 04-May-14 10:55:18

My mother was unmarried (and still is) when she had me, I took her surname and had my fathers name as a middle name. My dad buggered off when I was 3 months old and didn't make a reappearance until I was 17.

Having my mums name made life so much easier, as we had the same surname we were never questioned when we went abroad etc (I know some people have had problems with an absent parent with parental responsibility).

Now, I don't even use my dad's name as a middle name, it's not on my driving license or passport but I know it's there if I ever wanted to use it.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Sun 04-May-14 10:58:58

His behaviour says all you need to know. He just cares about getting his own way and not why's the best for the baby. Giving up to him re surname will not make anything better, he will find some other stick to beat you over the head with.

nikki1391 Sun 04-May-14 13:32:34

I think he completely overreacted and was maybe looking for an excuse to run off especially as it seems that even your friends didn't think he would stick around. Then again though some guys feel that its very important that the baby has their surname and feel very strongly about it. My dad was never really mum gave me her surname and although I'm close to my dads family (dad died a few years back) I am happy I have my mums surname. She's the one who done everything for me so it makes more sense to me. My daughter has a double surname...I suggested her having just my name as we weren't in a stable relationship and he flipped so we just ended up double barrelling the name...I didn't feel comfortable giving her his surname alone as like I said we weren't stable. Fast forward nearly 4 years and even though he's still around and doing a good job I'm happy I double barrelled it. In your situation I would just give baby my name alone

MeganBacon Sun 04-May-14 17:20:00

It sounds like you are thinking maybe you should give ground on the name in the hope that it will help this reluctant father bond with the baby. It really won't though, if he's this useless now it really won't get better just because of a name, and even if he is partially involved, you'll probably always feel like you are made to feel grateful for very half hearted contribution to parenting.
I was in same situation at your age almost exactly, and wish I'd just given him my name, which is how we ended up a few years later anyway. It makes life so much easier with schools/doctors etc. to have the same name as your child.

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