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Babys Surname - how important is it?

(70 Posts)
Seasidegirly Fri 02-May-14 15:51:16

Hi - wasn't sure which section to put this but I wonder if someone could give me some insight into situation. I am 5 months pregnant with my first child at 41. Pregnancy was a total shock and the father (who's a bit younger than me) did not take the news very well at all. At the beginning of the pregnancy I said the baby could have the fathers surname with my surname as a double barrelled name. The dad seemed to come to terms with the pregnancy and we talked about first names and started to look forward to it. Fast forward and a couple of months and the dad said he did not want to be with me anymore but would always be there for the child.

Anyways, after speaking to a few friends, they suggested that I didn't give the child the double barrelled surname - just my surname as they were unconvinced that he would stick around (he's not been to the 13 or 20 week scan). So, this week I have told him that I would put his surname as a middle name. This has totally flipped him. Said I was a complete liar from the start of the pregnancy and he didn't believe he was the father anymore as I didn't want the child to have his surname. He has now posted a pic of the 13 week scan pic through my door and said he I would not hear from him again . I am gutted. My question is how important is the surname to the dad? Was this just an excuse that he needed to do one? Thanks

spacetravel Fri 02-May-14 19:45:00

I didn't think it would matter and have dc my partner's name with mine in the middle. After dc was born it did actually feel a bit sad and strange, although I've got over that now. I'm afraid to say that it is administratively easier to share a name - especially when it comes to passports, travel etc. I think your option of exp's name in the middle is a really good compromise.

Chunderella Fri 02-May-14 19:48:39

Does it matter whether he's truly upset or whether it was an excuse? Either way he's a dick. Of course you should give the child your name!

ThingsThatShine Fri 02-May-14 19:55:07

Your surname and sounds like you are well rid. At least you've seen his true colours now.

AdoraBell Fri 02-May-14 20:07:40

I also think you should give the baby your ñame.

The original plan of both was good up to the point that he started showing his true colours.

My DCs have both ñames because I kept mine and tagged DH's onto it when we got married and there was no wáy I was giving my DCs a different ñame To mine. Despite the PIL's attitude.

KatherinaMinola Fri 02-May-14 20:11:32

Sounds like you're well shot of him. Congratulations on your pregnancy thanks

KatherinaMinola Fri 02-May-14 20:11:54

And obviously - don't give the child his name!

Charley50 Fri 02-May-14 20:16:07

Yes well rid!

Xenadog Fri 02-May-14 20:25:43

OP, in some way I'm in the same position. Found out I was pregnant at nearly 40 very unexpectedly. DP and I were living together at the time (but had only just moved in) and as we are happy together my DD was given his surname.

However I now wish she had my surname and not his even though we are still happy together. In your position I would not hesitate to give your child just your surname. Your ex sounds a real charmer and he may not stick around to build any relationship with the child so in which case why bother giving them his name?

MargotThreadbetter Fri 02-May-14 20:38:48

I gave my DS my name and have never regretted it.
Ex didn't care at the time (he was busy moving in with OW) though he regrets it now.
My reasoning was that I didn't want my child to have a different name to me. If I were to meet someone else in the future and marry I wouldn't change my name either.

A friend of mine gave her DD her now ex's name and bitterly regrets it as he's rarely around.

gertiegusset Fri 02-May-14 20:47:53

Congratulations! flowers

Sadly it sounds like he's looking to be a twat about it, it's all just tradition and patriarchy and willy culture isn't it.

Doesn't absolve him of his responsibilities though.

scottishmummy Fri 02-May-14 20:54:46

If dad isnt in picture and you unmarried id not use his surname for baby

Sunnydaysablazeinhope Fri 02-May-14 21:01:36

Your name.

I would also not include him on birth cert.

Sorry x

Sunnydaysablazeinhope Fri 02-May-14 21:02:09

How would you say leave the country if different names....?

Thurlow Fri 02-May-14 21:42:06

With a copy of the birth certificate, sunny.

Blu Fri 02-May-14 22:27:42

Before he behaved like that I would say double barrel, and try and support a relationship between your baby and the father. But his behaviour over not having his surname would make me run a mile.

When you say you are gutted, what are you gutted about, exactly? That he has threatened to disappear? For your sake/ For your baby's sake?

In any case - his 'always being there for the child' didn't last long, did it? And gives him even less right to start calling YOU a liar!!

Look: he reacted badly to the pregnancy. He decided he didn't want to be with you. And now he has said he wants nothing to with you, or the baby.

I can't see all that being caused by - or reversed by - a choice of surname.

YellowTulips Fri 02-May-14 23:15:14

His name isn't a right - it's earned.

If he wants to be the baby's father he can start acting like it.

From you post I suggest you give him your name and quite frankly I wouldn't even put his in the middle.

Focus on the child you are about to have not the one you have separated from. thanks

MsVestibule Fri 02-May-14 23:20:52

When I unexpectedly became pregnant with DC1, I wasn't living with her father. We moved in together when I was 34 weeks pregnant but no way was the baby not going to have my name!!! Whether we stayed together or not, I knew I'd be the one dealing with schools, doctors etc and thought it would be easier if we shared the same name. My now DH wasn't bothered in the slightest. When DC2 was born, I didn't want the siblings to have different surnames, so he was named after me too.

I succumbed to tradition when we got married and changed all of our names to his!

In case you didn't glean it from my self indulgent ramblings, I'm in favour of the child receiving the mother's surname. Good look with the rest of your pregnancy and motherhood.

DocDaneeka Fri 02-May-14 23:25:50

Congratulations on the pregnancy

Congratulations on getting the nobber to show his true colours so early on. Bullet dodged I'd say.

LineRunner Fri 02-May-14 23:29:55

Your name. Easy.

Seasidegirly Fri 02-May-14 23:51:09

Thanks for your replies. I have a feeling it won't be the last I hear from him. I'm going to stick with my surname. His reaction has shown me what a tool he is and is has still lot of growing upto do. I'm glad I'm not with him anymore.

Hughfearnley Sat 03-May-14 06:53:26

My DS has my partners surname. We are in a committed relationship, the pregnancy was very much planned and the wedding is booked for Aug 1st after which time I will change my name!
We didn't get married beforehand purely because I didn't want to be pregnant at my wedding!
In your circs, there's no way I would give the child his surname. He's unlikely to have much input in the long term. Good luck!

ThePinkOcelot Sat 03-May-14 08:05:28

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP.

I am with the consensus. Baby to have your name. My dds had their dad name, but only because I knew we were getting married in the future and I would then have the same name.

I don't understand this about travelling abroad and needing to take birth certificate if your child has a different name. I never had a problem, no one ever mentioned it to me.

HeyBungalowBill Sat 03-May-14 08:40:40

He sounds like a child! He's doubting he's the father just over a name?!

Give the baby your surname, he sounds unreliable and immature IMO

fifi669 Sat 03-May-14 08:41:10

When I was pregnant with DS, I was in a committed relationship, turns out he wasn't! , and chose to double barrel. He left at 20 weeks pregnant so I decided he'd just have my name. Ex had a bit of a fit about it, people raised eyebrows. DS is 3 1/2 now and hasn't seen ex since March 2012 despite him knowing where we live and all living in a town you can walk from end to end easily.

With current pregnancy DP has agreed baby will have my surname. I wouldn't want siblings to have different names if possible and theoretically me, DS and unborn could of have all has different names should DP end up being a weirdo.... (Pretty sure he's just lovely). If when we get married, I'll change all our surnames to his. Ex can protest about the name change is he's bothered. But as he didn't have his last name anyway the courts will allow it.

DP has a daughter who does have his name. He wasn't particularly fussed either way. Now his ex is super controlling over his DD and he is going to court to sort out real contact, he sees his name as some link to the child he misses desperately. His ex is having a stink as unborn is keeping my name and wants to change her DDs to hers! Funnily enough we have the same surname too....

fifi669 Sat 03-May-14 08:45:56

Oh should mention DPs family can't understand why unborn won't have DPs name. They don't think it's right but I don't give a toss! They say if you plan on getting married and changing names why not just do it from birth? Until the ring is on my finger nothing is certain for me.

Sorry to rant smile

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