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Help me make this decision...

(108 Posts)
knowledgeispower Fri 02-May-14 11:04:22

I have posted previously about my p and came to the conclusion that I have a cocklodger on my hands.

I have recently told my family that I want to end the relationship and move to be nearer to them. I got very emotional and my mum was concerned.

So here is my problem. I have decided to leave and have been looking at houses nearer (about 300 miles away) to where my family and friends are. I have found one and been offered it. I need to make a decision by the end of today. I'm not sure I can face the upheaval of a big move but the house is really lovely and a member of my family went to view it on my behalf yesterday.

It all seems so sudden as I'd have 4 weeks to get everything sorted and tell p its over. Then on top of that I'm concerned about dd starting a new school (year 5) and making new friends etc.

I have been very tearful today. I don't know whether to take the bull by the horns and just go for it. Or hang back spilt with p and then deal with a move later on. What would you do?

knowledgeispower Fri 02-May-14 11:16:59

Help, I need some wise words from you mumsnetters!

flightywoman Fri 02-May-14 11:20:30

It depends on your own coping stuff. Are you better at doing it all in one hit? Do you think you'd be susceptible to him if he was doing all the "I promise to change, it'll be different" big cow eyes thing at you?

If he's a cocklodger than it might be better to do it all at once so there's no way for him to try and wheedle himself back into your life/house/purse.

PoundingTheStreets Fri 02-May-14 11:23:02

Do it. Yes, it will be scary and challenging. But I guarantee you'll feel a million times better once you've done it.

Don't underestimate how much living in an unhappy relationship, let alone one with a cocklodger, can damage your self respect and motivation. You might not have made the connection yet, but the indecisiveness and any tiredness you are feeling are probably due to this. When you leave you will probably rediscover energy, optimism and enthusiasm to get things done.

From your DDs POV the rediscovery of her mother as she's meant to be will be worth every upheaval of her moving school (even though she may not feel so to start off with) and being still in year 7 she is young enough to move and adapt relatively easily without any irreparable fallout on her education. Furthermore, the advantages of having an extended family network will be huge for her.

Best of luck. flowers

Youdontneedacriminallawyer Fri 02-May-14 11:26:45

If you delay the move, you're just delaying the problem. You'd probalby only get a similar notice period next time, and the next. If you're really determined to go, then I'd grab the opportunity while you can, and go for it.
Don't worry about DD changing schools. Kids that age generally make new friends pretty easily.

OvertiredandConfused Fri 02-May-14 11:45:42

Do it. Your dd will be fine although may not think so at first. You'll have support from family and friends. Sometimes, a clean break is easiest.

Just make sure you've thought about dad's relationship with her dad.

knowledgeispower Fri 02-May-14 11:52:42

Thank you all so much thanks

Overtired and confused. Thankfully he isn't her father. Her father, although he has his issues lives near to where we are moving and is a much better ex/father than he was partner.

I'm really scared!

knowledgeispower Fri 02-May-14 11:55:48

Love the name OvertiredandConfused should be my name :-)

Melonbreath Fri 02-May-14 12:41:27


Clutterbugsmum Fri 02-May-14 12:44:18

Go. Yes it will be stressfull for month or so but then you will be getting used to your new home.

If I remember correctly he has his own property so it's not like he will be homeless.

BitOutOfPractice Fri 02-May-14 12:45:48

I'd do it all at once.

Partly because it will stop you having wobbles about going back

Partly because it's best to get it all over with and move on

Party because the move etc will help distract you / keep you busy when you are upset (I'm sure you will be upset even if you know it's the right thing to do)

Good luck!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 02-May-14 12:46:08

I think sometimes opportunities present themselves and, even if everything isn't quite slotted into place, you have to have the courage of your convictions and carpe diem. IME it's not the bad decisions and mistakes you make that you regret, it's the opportunities passed up and the time wasted dithering... smile Good luck

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Fri 02-May-14 12:47:37

I would say go. Yes it will be a bit of an upheaval, but you will be close to family and friends which makes the world of difference, and you will be one cocklodger lighter.

ForeskinHyena Fri 02-May-14 13:02:04

I'd say if you're definitely going to do it at some point, there's no time like the present. I agree with the PP about your DD benefitting from you being happy and rediscovering who you really are. I'm a much nice mum now than I was when I was with XH!

Your dd will soon make new friends and at least now she has a chance to settle and meet people before the school holidays.

Congratulations for making the leap and good luck in your new home thanks

ForeskinHyena Fri 02-May-14 13:03:18

Yes, also agree that the move could help distract you when you're feeling down. Nothing like a trip to ikea for some new cushions to cheer you up smile

knowledgeispower Fri 02-May-14 14:00:34

Posted too soon!

...I don't know why but I feel an obligation to help him in some way. I would like to think we could stay friends. Then I start thinking of the way he has treated me and get really angry.

knowledgeispower Fri 02-May-14 14:03:24

No I didn't post too soon!

Yes Clutterbugsmum he does have his own place.

That's it Cog I'm thinking that if I pass this opportunity up I will regret it. I'm just scared by what he will say or how he will react...(followed by the message above)

mrsbrownsgirls Fri 02-May-14 14:08:00

go go go !

Doodleloomoo Fri 02-May-14 14:32:10

If you didn't want to go, you wouldn't have gotten this far. You're just wobbling.

Take a deep breath, trust yourself, and go. Good luck!

Clutterbugsmum Fri 02-May-14 14:44:08

...I don't know why but I feel an obligation to help him in some way.

Thats because you are a good person. I would suggest you re read your last thread. It will remind why you need to get rid of him and start living your's and your DC lives.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 02-May-14 15:17:52

Understand your fears but if you are 300 miles away he can get as angry as he likes and you'll be well out of reach.

knowledgeispower Fri 02-May-14 17:06:52

Thank you everyone. I'm going for it. He doesn't know anything yet so I'm preparing myself to tell him.

I think I'm just mourning a relationship that could have been great but isn't. I feel so drained and I'm dreading it.

I told dd and she said she will miss him and got tearful. She now feels better and is quite excited. I think once we are down there she won't give him a second thought. It's just making that leap.

knowledgeispower Fri 02-May-14 17:08:31

I'm going to have the chat with him tonight and will update after. I'm pretty sure this is one bank holiday weekend I won't forget!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 02-May-14 17:11:47

If you're anticipating an angry response and you're frightened, please be very safety conscious. Have someone with you perhaps or even alert the police non-emergency number (101) if you think there could be any kind of aggression.

knowledgeispower Fri 02-May-14 17:28:53

Thank you Cog. I'm pretty sure he will play the victim card and promise to change.

I have just read my old thread started in January. It's all come flooding back.

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