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Due to get married in 7 weeks and lusting over someone I met online :(

(75 Posts)
Mumof3madones Fri 02-May-14 10:47:43

I think this is because I am getting married , to a wonderful man and father, however I feel something is just missing and I've met someone online , I don't want a relationship with them
I just want sex then I feel I will have fulfilled the lust ? I know it's wrong and I doubt I will go along with it but just wanted to do know if anyone else had been in this boat ?

FabULouse Fri 02-May-14 10:55:14

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MirandaWest Fri 02-May-14 10:56:16

If you're wanting to have sex with someone else I don't think you should get married tbh.

cantbelievethisishppening Fri 02-May-14 10:57:22

The fact you are wanting to have sex with a random stranger so near your wedding would indicate to me that you should be calling off said wedding.

s88 Fri 02-May-14 10:58:28

I'm due to get married and the only person I want sex with is my HTB! it's not normal

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 02-May-14 10:59:06

Maybe you need to think a little harder about what's 'missing' in your relationship with this allegedly wonderful man and father? You realise marriage is supposed to be for life, right? If things are already so disappointing that you've got lust to spare, then they are unlikely to get any better just because there's a ring on your finger.

Mumof3madones Fri 02-May-14 11:02:27


Mumof3madones Fri 02-May-14 11:04:01

Think I'm just getting bored of the same thing day in day out , sex is always the same and it's getting boring sad

Maisie0 Fri 02-May-14 11:04:18

Remember, "admiration" is not necessarily "love".

meditrina Fri 02-May-14 11:05:49

You need to work out what is missing.

And postpone the marriage if you either cannot work it out, or find that it's something that cannot be fixed.

Pre-wedding nerves are common, but filling your head with another man is not a good indicator, and any feeling that the marriage would be a mistake is a reason to delay.

defineme Fri 02-May-14 11:05:53

How did you meet someone on line-were you actively looking?

I don't think it's fair to marry someone if you're feeling like this.

Do you need counselling?

I think some organizations (churches or relate?) offer pre marriage counselling.

Have you been together long? Do you have kids?
Is the marriage an attempt to fix a problem with the relationship?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 02-May-14 11:06:30

If you're bored in the relationship already, don't get married. Aside from anything else it's wrong to go into marriage half-heartedly or dishonestly because it's unfair on the 'wonderful man'.... cruel even.

LiberalLibertine Fri 02-May-14 11:08:46

Sex is boring and you're bored already? Your poor husband to be.

eurochick Fri 02-May-14 11:12:06

Are you sure it's not a "running away" type reaction to the fear of getting married and being with one person for the rest of your life? Or is it more than that?

DrewsWife Fri 02-May-14 11:13:01

Call off your wedding. You clearly are not ready. And your brain is telling you so. Don't ignore it. Don't get married because you are close and it would be too hard now to cancel.

I got married last year. The only man I have wanted to have sex with for two years is my now husband. He's to only man I want to have sex with now

Mumof3madones Fri 02-May-14 11:13:49

I think you have hit the nail on the head Euro chick , i think that is the problem

Maisie0 Fri 02-May-14 11:16:25

Even if you are not sure, then put a wedding on "hold" til you are sure. It is not good to have doubts. And also, do not wed to please anybody but to please yourself and be yourself truly within the marriage. Also, forget others' expectations, cos the most important thing is for you to enter the marriage as an already happy person within a relationship that you do like. It should be just an extension of what you feel.

PoundingTheStreets Fri 02-May-14 11:18:10

It's normal to be sexually attracted to other people while in a happy LTR. It happens to a lot of people and is more likely the longer you are together. How long have you been together? Is the the father of your DC? Is this one of those marriages that is just making 'official' the relationship you've already been in for many years? If so, I wouldn't get too hung up on this as long as you're capable of remaining faithful. The feelings for the OM will fade and you can use this experience as a catalyst for learning how to channel inappropriate desires back into your relationship with your fiancé.

If however, you feel this is your subconscious mind telling you not to 'settle' or that something is wrong with your relationship with your fiancé, or if you aren't capable of being faithful or possessing the self-awareness to analyse your feelings, understand them and deal with them appropriately, please don't get married. Whatever awfulness you'll have to go through in terms of cancelled weddings, guilt, embarrassment and loss of money will be nothing compared to the fall out of a divorce.

macmissy Fri 02-May-14 11:19:30

If I am honest, and I am sorry you won't probably want to hear this - but if you're chatting to someone on line then you probably shouldn't be getting married or thinking about it anyway. Regardless of how the conversation goes - or how far it goes (enough for you to be lusting after)

I'm currently planning our wedding & the thought of being with someone else has never entered my head. In previous relationships it has and I knew that it wasn't right - so I ended them.

Sorry! But you need to be honest with yourself & is it fair to your OH to go through with the wedding if you're thinking about other people?

Mumof3madones Fri 02-May-14 11:46:27

Benn together 12 years, yes they are his children and yes we are finalising the relationship. We do love each other very much and I know deep down I won't do anything g with thisOM but the thrill I get from thinking someone else finds me attractive other then OH is making me confused ..... I'm such a horrible person to be talking/interacting with someone else sad

macmissy Fri 02-May-14 11:50:55

I wouldn't say you were a horrible person, I would just say that you are confused! You need to work out what is important to you!

Mumof3madones Fri 02-May-14 11:58:31

Thanks macmissy, think I'm just confused. I had my first child at 19 so I've never really had a chance to be a bit wild , think now we getting married I know I will never have that chance now and it feels a bit like I'm trapped.

PoundingTheStreets Fri 02-May-14 12:03:25

You're not a horrible person. Feelings do not make someone horrible. They are what they are and can't be helped. They are involuntary. What defines a person is their actions.

You are a person with a choice to make.

You find someone else attractive. So what! What you need to do is decide whether this is just a normal-but-fleeting sexual infatuation that will pass if the flames are not fanned, or whether the attraction is symptomatic of the fact that your relationship with your fiancé is missing something or your life is lacking fulfilment generally.

You've hit the nail on the head with this: the thrill I get from thinking someone else finds me attractive... Ask yourself why that makes you feel so good? Are you feeling a bit invisible? What else could make you feel that good? Would your DP being more sexually magnetic make you feel the same? Or maybe you're bored generally in life? Is it time to further career/change jobs? Take up a new hobby? Rejuvenate your social life? What's missing?

Achieving validation through the eyes of others rather than yourself rarely ends well.

QueenofallIsee Fri 02-May-14 12:08:31

You are not horrible Mumof3, you have the jitters I suspect. I have been with DP 12 years and have had odd moments of crushing on someone else (beautiful manager at work was one notable one) I don't think that this means I don't love DP. I snapped myself out of it each time by imagining how I would feel if I found out HE was doing that - like a bucket of cold water in my face!

Being wild is not all it is cracked up to be love, I would be thinking about ways to get wild with your DP. I would also be sacking off ANY contact with the online man. Your husband to be deserves you to be thinking clearly.

Maisie0 Fri 02-May-14 12:13:20

Mum Ok, this is what I can offer in terms of advice, you may have bogged down in life at 19, but ask yourself honest questions whether what you have is absolutely not what you wanted, and whether this is just "regret" speaking now. You need to take stock and work through things.

It's funny how different people use different terms and words to describe their situation. So you wrote that you "lust" after the other person, and find this exciting, but are you sure what you do have is not 100% of what you want ? I would encourage you to hold off your wedding plans until you are a bit more certain. Maybe the push for the wedding has allowed all sorts of regrets and demon to come out, and well, now is never a better chance to deal with them as well. Ask yourself truthful questions on what are the regrets and why, and bring yourself back to the actual current situation and life that you have now. It can be hurtful to go through this kind of process, but it will make you so much happier in the long run.

Your feelings should coincide with your actions, and the both together if it is the right thing for you and the right time, it should make you feel so happy. If you felt that you never had the "falling lovely in a romantic way", then why not go through that and relive those moments, and that is presuming your OH is someone whom you still love to begin with.

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