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I am an awful person

(54 Posts)
JokersGiggle Fri 02-May-14 09:21:38

I'm going through my 5th MC. Had scan yesterday that dp couldn't make as work couldn't spare him ( Story of our relationship! I advise people to never get involved with someone in the emergency services)
So found out that i'm loosing twins and that i'm further along by 2 Weeks than I thought.
Went down to his work (often do to drop off cake or something) he was out on a call and I ended up crying on a poor new guy who had never seen Mr before. Bless him he was sweet - carried me into the crew room, kicked the other guys out, gave me tissues, tea and a biscuit and told me to take my time and he'd be just outside the door if I needed him.
I went home afteran hour but realised it might get back to dp so called and told him in a voicemail rather than wait for him to get home.
He texted later to say he needed time to get his head around things, he'd go for a walk after work, be home late, I should go to bed, we'd chat in the morning. So I spent the day alone, scared and in pain.
I heard him come in smelling of beer at 3am. Let him sleep til 8 then thought I'd make coffee to get him up with. But there is loads of zombie nation stuff on the table. Googled it and it seems he spent last night running around London being chased by people dressed as zombies with a group of people from work. Needless to say I was upset, so asked him about it and he said "just because you can't hold a pregnancy doesn't mean I can't have fun once in a while"
And I snapped.
And I slapped him sad not hard but still a slap. that's the first time i've done anything like that. Never even sworn at him before sad I feel devastated at my own behaviour.
I grabbed the dog (cos carry a 5st dog while your MCing and only weigh 7st 7 yourself is a really smart thing to do.) And i'm now sitting with my horse and dog in a stable in my pjs.
I know I shouldn't have snapped but what he did was mean and what he said broke my heart.
He's called me and left a message saying he doesn't think that at all, it just slipped out, he's sorry, can I forgive him, and made a joke about the 1ft height difference and being amazed I could even reach to slap him.
can't believe I slapped him.
What do I do? Other people will be here soon and will think I've lost the plot if they see me like this sad

MatureUniStudentGraduated Fri 02-May-14 09:27:32

Awwww you poor poor thing. Not going to judge just hand out sympathy. What a rotten time for you.

RoaringTiger Fri 02-May-14 09:28:34

Wow I don't think your awful love. You was wrong to slap him but what he said was uncalled for. The only one who sounds awful from your op is your dp. I'm disgusted he went out after work rather than coming home to support you, yes he's grieving too but that is just cold. Is he normally so unsupportive?

pointythings Fri 02-May-14 09:28:37

I think you need to apologise to your DH, but he also needs to be a lot more serious about the impact of what he said to you - that was brutally insensitive and making jokes about it just isn't on. Staying away getting drunk whilst you were miscarrying is also not on.

The two of you also need to pull together - your DH will be feeling the loss just as much as you are, but may find it very hard to express that around you as he may feel he has to be 'the strong one'. You're both going to have to sit down and talk honestly about how you both feel, and listen to what the other person is saying.

For now I think you should have a hot bath/shower and make yourself a lovely cup of tea - you need to look after yourself now, not because of what people will think but because you deserve it. Good luck.

bragmatic Fri 02-May-14 09:32:45

I think it was pretty unfeeling to go off and have a jolly with his mates while you were miscarrying.

What to do now? Well you're both sorry. So, if you love him, and he loves you, then you talk and get through it together.

JokersGiggle Fri 02-May-14 09:35:46

He's normally great but with each MC he's gets more distant, then when the worst is over he carrys on as normal and is lovely again.
I've texted to say i'm sorry for slapping him.
think part of the problem is that a guy I'd never met before was nicer to me than dp was. And he lied. Maybe if he'd said he wanted to relieve some stress I could have understood. But he lied and encouraged me to go to sleep so I wouldn't know what time he came in.

JokersGiggle Fri 02-May-14 09:39:10

But what if he says something and I snap again? I grew up with my uncle hitting my aunt - what if its a genetic link and I hit him again?
I know it sounds so silly but I rely hate violence and I've done it once, what if I do it again?

Appletini Fri 02-May-14 09:43:37

I think you have both been through a really awful and heartbreaking experience and sometimes when things are shit, things go to shit.

Agree that you need to take care and rest.

Appletini Fri 02-May-14 09:45:01

I also think counselling would be a very good idea to help you work through everything you mention here.

It won't be a generic link. You may have reactions based on things you've witnessed but those can be changed.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 02-May-14 09:49:36

FWIW I do not think you would hit him again. I think you slapped this man of yours purely out of sheer emotional pain and out of also wanting some proper acknowledgement from him. Your man has handled all this pain of his own really badly by going off and getting drunk and has said things that cannot be easily undone. He has far more to do in terms of apologising to my mind.

"think part of the problem is that a guy I'd never met before was nicer to me than dp was"
Well if you are referring to the person at his workplace, he was indeed nicer to you. That man's actions towards you is how normally healthy men behave when they see a woman in distress.

You certainly need further support and if you have not already done so I would speak to the Miscarriage Association, their helpline number is 01924 200 799 (they are there till 4pm today).

TheSlagOfSnacks Fri 02-May-14 09:49:38

He behaved like an absolute wanker. I know this won't be popular but I think I would've reacted the same way if DP spoke like that to me under those circs.

Poor you. I've had an MC and I know how heartbreaking and awful it is.

This will sound vindictive but I wouldn't be too quick to forgive him. He lied about needing to stay out late to 'get his head round things' when he was really getting pissed and having a nice time with his mates.

And then he has the insensitivity to imply that your MCs are spoiling his fun.


AlfAlf Fri 02-May-14 09:58:53

Of course you shouldn't have hit him, but you were pushed to your absolute limits. He should have been there with you as soon as he could. And what he said was appalling. I think just a really difficult situation for you both, but you will get through this. Apologise for hitting him, but you deserve an apology too.
I'm sorry about your babies xx
Bless you.

JokersGiggle Fri 02-May-14 10:07:55

Thank you for the phone number - I'll call them later.
I'm about to go home to talking things through. Will put a brave face on and see what he has to say before I jump in grovelling. I've been thinking and I know its prob petty but i'm always the first to apologise. What he said really hurt. I will apologise but want him to understand how much he hurt me and apologise first rather than following my apology with a "im sorry too" which is what normally gets said.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 02-May-14 10:08:46

I can't for the life of me imagine a DP going off on a jolly doing his zombie stuff while his partner is suffering a mc.

You regret slapping him - under extreme provocation true, but still not the way to go about things - he could have retaliated, it might have escalated. It is not necessarily the start of a pattern but I think the events of last night and this morning are signs there's something wrong with your relationship.

Slutbucket Fri 02-May-14 10:14:50

You are human be kind to yourself. You had suffered a trauma by yourself and what he said was probably the most hurtful thing somebody could say in that situation. We are not robots and he pushed you to the limits. So sorry about your loss.

Slutbucket Fri 02-May-14 10:16:50

You've apologized by text but no more. The ball his in his court. He said an absolutely terrible thing and you slapping him is a side issue.

TinyTear Fri 02-May-14 10:19:14

Do call the Miscarriage Association... or join us in the miscarriage threads here in MN

I have had 5 as well and I know how hard it is, especially also hard for men to process as we get offered counselling and nothing for the dads.

you are not awful to slapping him and he isn't awful for lying... it's bad, both things, but each person handles things differently.

on one of my mc (can't remember which) i went on a blow out of booze and forbidden foods...

hope you feel better soon

AtrociousCircumstance Fri 02-May-14 10:22:25

Don't obsess on your reaction to his horrendous cruelty.

He prioritised going out and having fun with acquaintances over supporting you when you most needed it. And lied about it.

And what he said to you was unforgivable.

So sorry for your losses. flowers

MrsAtticus Fri 02-May-14 10:27:59

This just sounds like a really difficult situation for you both, so sorry for what you are going through. You both behaved wrongly (but understandably given circumstances), it sounds like he understands why you slapped him and forgives you, and perhaps in the context of a very stressful situation his behaviour is forgiveable too? That's for you to decide, but sounds like you need eachother right now.
I had 3 miscarriages and I know it does put strain on a relationship at many levels. My DH ended up not wanting to try any more as he didn't feel he could lose any more babies.

RiverTam Fri 02-May-14 10:34:56

he said a nasty thing, you did a nasty thing, call it quits. You are both suffering here, things are not normal, you cannot extrapolate how you both reacted in this situation with normal life.

Was it his way of dealing with this? Or was he being a thoughtless, selfish bellend? I don't know and can't tell, but I can tell you that in all of my MCs DH was there with me - I think for him the situation, at that point, was about me, what was physically happening to me (the last 2, post-DD, were pretty awful), he didn't think about the loss right then.

Talk it through with him. You both need to help and support each other, both right now and going forward.

Armadale Fri 02-May-14 10:35:18

OP I hope you have got home, got warm and got a cup of tea.

I'm so sorry to hear about your MC's

I have had 5 on the run too, so I have an inkling about what it does to you sad

How is your relationship with DH generally?

"think part of the problem is that a guy I'd never met before was nicer to me than dp was" this is a bit of a worry, isn't it.

Would you say your DH is a good man who is struggling to cope, or would you not think that?

"With each MC he's gets more distant, then when the worst is over he carrys on as normal and is lovely again."

Perhaps this is just his very shit way of coping? I think often the DH feels they have to soldier on, but can't really cope to do so.

You know you shouldn't have slapped him, just as you know he shouldn't have gone out on the piss, lied and then said a really really horrible goady thing to you. You both need to apologise at some point, and then perhaps admit you aren't coping with the amount of pain you have to carry?

Perhaps you could look into some counselling? I am having some at the moment and it is really helping.

I decided that the outcome I could cope with least was to end up without a baby, so therefore the best course of action for me was to carry on getting pregnant (and losing them) as often as I could in the time I have left to conceive. (I know other women might reach entirely different decisions and decide to stop or have a break for a while, not trying to say my way was right, only that it was right for me iyswim)

But this course of action has meant no real time to grieve or recover mentally. What I am dealing with in the counselling is the fact that all that grief and loss is still there and needs to come out. My DH has thrown himself into his work, partly by necessity as I am hardly bringing any income in, and partly to distract himself, I think, but he is now realising that he also needs some help in this regard.

You are NOT an awful person.

siiiiiiiiigh Fri 02-May-14 10:41:51

He went out to let off some steam. That's ok, try not to be too harsh on him - if he's been supportive in the past it's possible that he just, briefly, ran out of "give".

Just like you ran out of "acceptance". That's ok.

What matters is that you can forgive each other, and, move forward as a couple who understands each other and loves each other.

I'm presuming that he HAS been supportive previously...

I'm very sorry for your losses <hug>

JokersGiggle Fri 02-May-14 11:37:42

Well we had a talk and it turns out that the problem is something I could not have guessed.
He's a paramedic and he can't stand to see me in physical pain or see me loose blood. He wanted to be out and miss "the main event". I assumed he was fine with it as he's seen awful sights ect and assumed blood wouldn't bother him.
He broke down crying saying seeing my blood is different and he couldn't cope if anything happened to me. When I MCed at 15 Weeks I lost a lot of blood and needed iv fluids and transfusions. I never knew but he stayed awake the whole time at the hosp to monitor me as he didn't trust anyone else to do it. I was in hosp for 4 and a half days and he didn't sleep and only left to eat when I was awake and he'd put the buzzer in my hand and my phone set up so all I had to do was push one button and it would call him. I assumed he was going in and out, I wasn't really with it so just assumed he was out when I was asleep. He couldn't watch that happen again so he left last night. He said this morning he was ashamed at leaving me and struck out with his words, he thought seeming mean was better than looking like a coward (his words).
We've both said sorry and things are better. But don't know how to deal with his fear of seeing my blood. Last time I passed out and it was him who found me. stopping that from happening again is out of my power sad

Maisie0 Fri 02-May-14 12:04:02

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Armadale Fri 02-May-14 12:19:40

Maisie I have reported your post.

I am just aghast at both the crassness and level of ignorance in your suggestions to the OP as to the 'carrying' stage.

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