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Tonight my husband will leave me.

(33 Posts)
Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 07:42:42

I was badly sexually abused as a child to the point I disassociated from the event. However at age 13 i developed scizoaffective disorder. When manic or depressed I remembered the abuse and my psychosis acted on it for example when depressed I am scared to leave the house believeing everyone is trying to rape me and I have hallucinations of being raped by different people (not always human) I can feel touch and smell them when they are raping me.

When manic I believe my blood is poisoned and God speaks to me that I am the angel of darkness and any abusive man to see or touch my body will be punished. So I've just come down from a manic episode.

During which I had a six month affair I was beaten and raped during the process. I became addicted to drugs and slept with a dealer for drugs. I also found a online man to sext who was into Sado masachism and liked me to hurt myself which I did as I believed he would be severely punished.

I did all these things with the belief these men would be punished by god as I was so special.

Now I've come down and come home and tonight I have to confess that not only did I sleep with two men and sext a third but I am also addicted to drugs. He is going to kick me out and I deserve it I can't believe what I have done.

My hcp say I should not tell him but I can't live a lie he deserves the truth and the opportunity to leave me.

I'm just scared for my kids I don't want to be a single mum when I get so mentally I'll that I know they will end up caring for me if I tell him. I don't want to do this I just want to commit suicide so I don't have to see the look on his face and then my kids can stay with their dad as I'll be gone.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime Fri 02-May-14 07:47:48

you need to slow down. give yourself some time. your HCP said you don't need to tell him. why not go with what they have said, for now?

BigArea Fri 02-May-14 07:55:55

What meds are you on OP? Do they not work, or are you not taking them consistently? I don't know anything about MD but surely the HCPs should be able to help control this? It sounds like a living nightmare for you thanks

Anjou Fri 02-May-14 07:57:09

I'm so sad to read your post, OP. You're being very hard on yourself and I think you need to take a deep breath, take a step back and slow down to process your thoughts before you act on anything.

Someone will come along with much more helpful advice soon, but for now just hold on and know that people here want to listen to you and help you through this.

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 08:00:02

Thank you. I am on aripiprazole sodium valproate and clonazepam.

I was denying how ill I was to hcp professionals. I lied to them.

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 08:02:02

I take my meds consistently unless I start a manic episode which I did in which case I flush the anti psych and mood stabiliser.

bragmatic Fri 02-May-14 09:35:50

Do you need to get checked out by an STI clinic? I'm sorry for your troubles, I don't know what else to say. Take care.

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 09:50:01

I used condoms on their insistance. So I don't think so.

iggy0155 Fri 02-May-14 10:16:32

Sweetheart if you can bear to I would still get yourself checked. Does DH know about your past or has he had an edited version? It sounds like you have been ill for sometime so DH must have been aware of this when he married you. Do your HCP know how unwell you are? Have you confided in them? I would take there advice and no tell DH at least until you are feeling stronger. Yes you have behaved badly but you're ill. You have got to keep asking for help. You owe yourself and your family that. Sending you an unmumsnetty hug x

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 10:22:01

Dh knows about my past. And yes this has happened before. But not as severe. I have phoned my mental health team and the on duty officer is calling back at 1. I'm gonna tell them everything. I can get myself checked.

iggy0155 Fri 02-May-14 10:54:02

Well done hon. They are there to help you. Whats done is done. Just concentrate on getting yourself in a better place x

BigArea Sat 03-May-14 10:31:26

Hello OP, how are you today? Did MH team ring yesterday?

Selfdisgusted Sat 03-May-14 13:04:25

Yes they have referred me for urgent counselling. I should get a appointment in a week or two. I told dh he was angry but he hasn't left me and he hasn't left the bedroom so we still sleep in the same bed. He says he doesn't know who to be angry at and is very confused.

tipsytrifle Sat 03-May-14 18:33:10

I wish you hadn't chosen that nic. Despite the horrors that your condition has imposed on you your soul shines through your words right now.

I have no idea how to counsel you but wanted you to know that I feel for you. Your DH sounds like he is going to try his best to cope. Is help and information available for him too?

I'm thinking that a week or so seems a long time when it sounds like you might need help right now. You know you can ring the Samaritans if you are heading for a rash moment. You also have a DH to call on ... perhaps there needs to be more talking about your latest episode to reassure him this is the manic you, not the you that loves him ...

That's an assumption on my part; when you're with him are you happy to be there? Do you feel safe with him? Can you talk with him?

*sending you a sky-full of positivity

EvaBeaversProtege Sat 03-May-14 18:40:28

Oh OP.

Please don't be disgusted with yourself.

You're worth so much more x

IWillIfHeWill Sat 03-May-14 19:07:16

Jesus. I am going to pray for you right now, in case God is real. And for your dh and children. If anyone deserves divine help, you do. I hope your psych team can help too. You deserve good, clean, honest, simple love and peace of mind - now, not just in an afterlife. You have survived so much. Don't leave it there. Hang on, keep making small steps towards recovery.

Peace to you. Peace. May you find support and not be disgusted with yourself any more.


tipsytrifle Sat 03-May-14 19:24:09

Oh and please OP don't abandon any of your meds .. the ones you leave off when you enter a manic phase might help prevent it going into full spin? I don't know ...

Could DH be trusted to help you maintain the routine of taking them?

My apologies if I'm not fully understanding the timeline of events involved here. I just want you to be safe and well cared for.

There is a mental health board on MN too - this may be where those more likely to be experienced in your disorder/psychosis and the recovery from its pounding are likely to read about you. Might it be worth starting a thread in there too?

I worry that I know too little to help but by goddess we're all here to support you as much as possible. Keep posting, OP (i can't call you by that nic)

Selfdisgusted Sat 03-May-14 20:14:42

Thanks all yes I love my husband very much. He has calmed down toward me today. He still wants to kill the people involved. Is angry at himself sadly as he feels he should have done more. He is also very angry at my psychiatric team for not sectioning me.

But he is hugging me now and says we will make it through this.

I keep vomiting every time the memories hit me. I don't want these memories no more. I keep having flashes like videos playing in my head of things that happened.

I am pretty safe for now I am taking my meds and I usually have at least a year between episodes. Some times two or three.

I'm not sure what good the therapy will do my problem is biological.

As for dh he has been referred to a charity for carers and we are saving up for couples counselling but finding someone experienced with my illness is hard and expensive and we feel they would have to have experience of my illness to be any help.

Thank you for the support and prayers.

BuzzardBird Sat 03-May-14 20:19:51

I am so glad you are ok. Your DH sounds golden. Be good to yourself, it is not your fault you have this illness. No-one blames a cancer sufferer for having cancer do they?

Selfdisgusted Sat 03-May-14 20:22:44

Thank you buzzard my husband is a gem I chose a good man. He has done so much reading on my illness he understands it better than me.

tipsytrifle Sat 03-May-14 20:31:05

I so recall flashbacks from when I had PTSD ... *wince

Even now there are memories I wish i didn't have but Endurance is often the only thing to be done. Flashbacks and feelings exhaust themselves and subside at some point.

I'm so relieved to hear how lovely your DH is. You sound like a proper team and that is where the Light will grow from. I wish the others would get their backsides into gear and actually help you, but it might be that you and DH must find ways to do the healing.

Keep posting here as often as you need. You're very precious and you know, from this morning to now, I see a calmer stronger you emerging. I'm impressed smile

oikopolis Sat 03-May-14 20:39:36

Sending you love OP.

You have been through so much, what a nightmare. Best wishes to you and your DH and DC, I hope you get the right care and that you never have to suffer something like this again.

Selfdisgusted Sun 04-May-14 05:31:46

Thanks both.

icklekid Sun 04-May-14 05:42:25

Just wanted to add it sounds like you have a fantastic DH and I'm so pleased to read that your getting the help you need- or have at least been honest to ask for it, anf that DH is there for you. You can and will get through this x

43percentburnt Sun 04-May-14 07:53:08

Good luck. I hope you find all the support you need. Be good to yourself (and change your nickname on MN).

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