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Tell me im crazy

(18 Posts)
militantmango Wed 30-Apr-14 23:03:42

Im taking a leap of faith? Or am I? Do i need someone to just tell me im too crazy?

I have an 11mo. His dad was very violent and left us when he was 7 weeks old. It had been coming a long time.

I have been in a relationship for the last 6 months. Its moved really really quickly & hes incredibly keen.
As in he has been pretty much living with us for the last 5 months, Hes amazing with my lo and treats him as if hes his own. All of our families get on brilliantly. We have been talking about moving for a while and I have been desperate (especially to get away from ex and family).

We saw a house near new boyfriends house thats lovely and would save us a fortune but cant view it til wednesday. I could either hand in my months notice for here tomorrow and take the gamble that this is the house for us, and if its not move in with boyfriend and his brother temporarily or wait and spend another months rent for the security.

Boyfriend is adamant that there is always a home for us there if this house doesnt work out and that id be stupid to waste another months rent when we can live with them if needs be if this place doesnt work out until we find something better. But i would essentially be handing my notice in for this house without a set place or date to move into. I keep telling him what if things go wrong with us me and lo will be left without a house but he is adamant that he will take care of us and we have a home there. Its just a big leap for me.
Am I crazy to be considering doing it? It feels it! Somebody be the voice of logic in my head?

LineRunner Wed 30-Apr-14 23:18:19

Do not give up your own place.

lordStrange Wed 30-Apr-14 23:20:04

I think this is sort of crazy. It'd be ok (and crazy) if you were alone, but you have a baby to take care of. I think you need to slow down. If it works out with bf there will be other houses.

FolkGirl Wed 30-Apr-14 23:31:54

Don't do it. It's far too much of a risk. You don't know that there will always be a place with him.

You've only been together for 6 months. He might well be adamant, but he could change his mind tomorrow morning and you'd be stuffed.

You're not crazy to like the idea of it, but the very fact you're canvassing opinions from strangers shows that you know the answer really. You already are the voice of logic in your own head, you just want it corroborated.

heyday Wed 30-Apr-14 23:40:26

Having your own home is priceless. I would say hang on to it at all costs. If house fell through and yr DP didn't end up giving you a place, the council would be very reluctant to help you as you had made yourself intentionally homeless. Yes, it's a bit more money to pay but please take things slowly and make sure you lay your new foundations on solid ground rather than on something that could slip away from you very easily. Be strong and retain your independence until things are more secure. You have a little one to think of now, so slowly does it.

meandcoffeeequalhappy Thu 01-May-14 06:46:15

If you have to ask here, then it is probably not the right thing for you to do.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 01-May-14 06:54:50

Agree with PPs. If your baby is only 11mo and your violent ex left when he was 7 weeks then you met this man just three months after exiting an abusive relationship, he moved in shortly afterwards, and you have only known him for six months all together. However nice he appears to be and however supportive, it is far too early to be setting up home together. It is definitely too early to throw over your and your baby's home for someone you really don't know.

I'm struck that your main motivation seems to be 'getting away from the ex'.

JeanSeberg Thu 01-May-14 07:00:38

Red flags all over the place here.

Are you talking about buying or renting the new place together?

I don't think you should do either, just wondered.

AnyFucker Thu 01-May-14 07:12:16

Yes, you would be crazy to give up your own place. Please slow down, there is a child's safety and security at stake here. Haven't they had enough upheaval ?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 01-May-14 07:21:23

Can I ask, how long were you with your ex before you realised he was abusive?

Fooshufflewickbannanapants Thu 01-May-14 07:22:51

Do not give up your place yet!!!
Giant waving red flags here!! Your ex left when lo was 2 months old they are now 11 months you've been together 5 months you were only on your own for 4 months, 16 weeks!!! Please take your time with this, it's not just you now it's your lo. Once you give up your home you are reliant on your boyfriend completely. It may work out fine and in that case what's the rush?

mummytime Thu 01-May-14 07:23:44

I really think you need to back off and take time. You have rushed into this relationship. You need time to: get over the previous one, get to know yourself again and get to know your LO. I wasn't thinking straight in the first couple of years of any of my children.

Having had a violent ex you should really be doing something like The Freedom Programme not having a whirlwind new relationship.

TheRavenIsRising Thu 01-May-14 07:41:13

You've been seeing this man for 6 months and he's practically been living with you for 5? That's way too soon to know what he's actually like, never mind throw over your house for him shock

Don't give up that one piece of security you have for this man. If he truly likes you/is falling for you, he'll understand and will happily wait for you. If he doesn't, you'll see his true colours when you say no.

militantmango Thu 01-May-14 07:45:34

Thank you. I knew all this deep down he was just so keen to help out. Im going to stay here until I find another house to move into.

My main motivation is getting away from the ex, and maybe thats bad but everywhere I go his friends and family shout abuse at us in the street. I dont want that for my Lo growing up. There is supervised contact, Im not stopping that. I just want to be able to go to the park/shops/doctors/swimming baths ect without a load of abuse. I have a restraining order. It doesnt seem to help. Im doing the freedom programme. Im just so desperate to leave here. But youre right. I wouldnt do that by putting los security on the line

TheRavenIsRising Thu 01-May-14 07:56:35

I'm glad to see you've decided against it, it's definitely the right thing to do.

As for the family and friends yelling at you in the street, can you not report it to the police? That's harassment and they should be able to do something.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 01-May-14 08:25:31

If you are being abused in the street, call the police every time. Shut them down rather than letting them run you out of your home. If finding a new place in a different town would make your life better do it because you want to do it, not because you feel forced. Please don't see this new man as a knight in shining armour. Be a proud, independent woman for a while rather than latching onto another man straight away....

As you may be finding out from the Freedom Programme, survivors of DV, through no fault of their own, often fall straight into the path of other abusers when they are vulnerable and desperate for affection. You're frightened and I expect you're grateful that he is around but that is not a good basis for a relationship. He is rushing you when you are least able to judge what's the right thing to do.

mummytime Thu 01-May-14 09:29:07

Do contact the police about the abuse. Also contact the council/housing associations to see if they can help rehouse you - you should be a priority as it doesn't sound as if you are safe where you are.

Lweji Thu 01-May-14 10:12:30

If you don't have particular ties to where you live now and you really like this new property, then move, but I'd "waste" a month's rent to be safe. It would also allow you to move at a relaxed pace.

I agree that you shouldn't trust him blindly at this stage. You don't want to be left at anyone's mercy ever, let alone a recent boyfriend, who, presumably, you've only known for the 6 months you have been together.

Having said that, consider the possible fallout of living near your current bf (and his family?). You might end up in the same situation as you are now again, if things don't work out.

So, I'd be looking a places close enough to your bf, but not so close that you'd bump into him or his family on a daily basis.

Finally, yes, you should report the abuse and so on, but I doubt much can be done to stop it bar making those people leave. I consider it a blessing that exH lives in another country. So, I'd probably move as well.

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