Partner won't support me, but should he be expected to?

(158 Posts)
Thatslife72 Tue 29-Apr-14 19:42:45

Hi I have been with my bf nearly 2 years, I have my own house he has his, we both have 2 children. I have my own business I don't make a huge amount but it's enough once I'm topped up with working tax credit and child tax credit I can basically support myself and my 2 children.

My partner earns around £60,000 a year but I have always paid for myself, meals out, holidays etc etc, sometimes I've had to say I can't afford that holiday and we've then changed it to something cheaper so I can afford it.

Now we've started to have the conversation about living together but as he earns so much I will loose these tax credits and any child benefit and will just have what I earn which won't pay for everything me and the kids need! He as far as the benefits office is concerned should be supporting us, he is reluctant to do so which I always knew in my head as he is so 50/50 with everything but then I'm not sure I want to rely on him financially anyway but I'm a annoyed with him as he is expecting me to still claim something but this would be benefit fraud, I would get in so much trouble if found out even prison, yet he wouldn't !

I don't know what to do, any advise? Is it wrong to expect him to support us, I always thought he was a bit tight tbh. Everything else is great within the relationship it's just this! Help!

OP’s posts: |
Vivacia Tue 29-Apr-14 19:45:10

I think "just this" is actually huge. I can't see how moving in with him is an option.

Vivacia Tue 29-Apr-14 19:46:45

Also, it's not a case of one person supporting the other. As a couple you support each other and each other's children normally - practically and emotionally, not just financially.

Phineyj Tue 29-Apr-14 19:47:12

The problem is that this is not a small thing, but one of those things that tends to make living together not work. If he won't discuss it seriously, then I would steer clear of moving in.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Tue 29-Apr-14 19:47:49

Keep completely separate households and separate wallets. You might be partners in bed now and again but you're not life-partners, and it doesn't sound like you're destined to be if he's not prepared to throw his lot in completely with yours.

gallicgirl Tue 29-Apr-14 19:48:04

If you're a couple you share everything.

If he's not willing to pool income then I'd give him the shove.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Tue 29-Apr-14 19:52:35

It's not that should he be expected to, according to the benefits agencies he will be once you make a home together. If he was a real partner he would want to, that's what a real partnership is. You're just dating

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Thatslife72 Tue 29-Apr-14 19:55:41

Hmm this is what I thought, all of the above oh crap! It's such a shame he's like this we get on so well, the kids love each other etc etc I suppose all we can do is live separately but I don't think that will make either of us happy in the long run what a mess!

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NewNameForSpring Tue 29-Apr-14 20:16:15

Personally I think it is a wierd rule of the benefits agencies.

However, the main thing OP is do not commit benefit fraud. As you say, you could get into serious trouble and if he is willing for you to risk that, then that is very worrying.

Snapespeare Tue 29-Apr-14 20:22:38

I think it's very difficult as the government promotes living together families as an ideal... But sometimes it is financially untenable. I work full time, but receive tax credits and housing benefits, DP/BF is in receipt of disability benefits. I can't afford to support him at the moment (3 teenage DCs who some first) but we desperately want to live together. But we can't. Therefore we maintain separate households and see each other when we can. <sigh>

Thatslife72 Tue 29-Apr-14 20:26:49

Yeh I agree it is flawed as far as being a family is concerned, but in this case it isn't a case of he can't support me it's a case of he won't :-(

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ForeskinHyena Tue 29-Apr-14 20:30:06

I couldn't be with someone who was that self centred that they would be happy to see me lose single parent benefits but not to make up any of the shortfall.

However, if you're happy with your relationship otherwise, I think you should keep your households separate and keep your independence. Once you start down the road of combining your finances you become more vulnerable, as this shows. There's a lot to be said for keeping some space for you and your DCs too!

If the tax credits office adjust your income because they see 'household income' as being joint, but he doesn't agree, then it is unworkable and it shows how wrong he is. Two people living together are supposed to be able to pool resources to make living costs cheaper for both, but if he gets all the benefits of a shared home but without contributing to it, he is being extremely tight.

I'm in a very similar situation, self employed, DP doesn't live with me, but he still contributes towards food, buys all my meals when we go out and pays for me and my DCs to go on holiday with him and his DCs. He wants to give me more but he also has his own house/ex/DCs to support so I know it's difficult, but he is very generous. I can't imagine being in a situation where he wanted to move in here, I would lose thousands of pounds and he wasn't making up the difference.

expatinscotland Tue 29-Apr-14 20:32:23

50/50 is for flat mates, not partnerships.

Do NOT move this man into your home! Do not move in with him.

The system is what it is.

And your boyfriend is a twat to expect you to risk prison for his tightness.

NearTheWindymill Tue 29-Apr-14 20:33:33

Woah. Presumably if you move in together he benefits hugely because his expenditure is cut by half. How exactly do you benefit from this if your income is reduced?

This is a conversation for the here, the now and the before and the arrangements need thrashing out before anything is decided.

You both have children and failed relationships behind you. I don't suppose you need to be told that that permanent relationships are hard enough when entered with no doubts.

Something I've heard in rl and on here op when second relationships have failed from both the mothers and the children is that the children never really liked the person their mother met/lived with/married. What do you children think of him - truly and honestly?

queenofthepirates Tue 29-Apr-14 20:37:57

This does seem to be a bit of a pickle of his own making, has he considered that this kind of commitment is two way? One day you may be supporting him, financially, emotionally, physically....

What does he suggest if by living together, you can't afford to live together?

itiswhatitiswhatitis Tue 29-Apr-14 20:41:35

Please don't move in with this man!

Thatslife72 Tue 29-Apr-14 20:42:06

Yeh you see in the 2 years we have been together I think he has paid for dinner twice as in for both of us! But then again I have paid for him before too. He has never offered to pay more for a holiday or at a meal or whatever it has always been 50/50 which if I'm honest has annoyed me on occaisions. I think he needs someone who has the earning capacity he does, the whole thing is pulling me back from this man because I can see as things get more serious this is becoming more of a problem, he is tight basically that's his fault, I thought that right from the first date lol ! He wants to do nice things, go nice places but I'm always expected to pay for myself, I've not minded really and have insisted mostly anyway but now as things start to get more serious and we would be expected to combine our finances it's not looking like it can work. This isn't the first guy I've been with that is tight they all have the last one was even worse, I had to get rid of him but he wasn't even paying his way, this guy is annoying me because he earns a lot really and he still expects me to commit benefit fraud so he doesn't have spend any money on me! To be honest he can shove it I do ok on my own.

I'm angry now, but the problem is despite this fault I do love him but I have walked away before when I have loved someone I can do it again sigh

OP’s posts: |
MaryWestmacott Tue 29-Apr-14 20:45:32

Oh, tightness only gets worse, never better.

I guess you give him a choice, if he wants to live with you, he'll have to make up the shortfall from the benefits you'll lose. He has to decide if he wants to live with you or not under those terms. There is no "move in and expect Thatslife72 to just commit benefit fraud" option.

So you can only date, not live together. That's clearly what he'd prefer of the options actually available.

Thatslife72 Tue 29-Apr-14 20:46:56

Well he won't really benefit will he as the money I earn won't pay for me and the kids he will be worse off, but I would have a lot of money to put into buying a house but monthly he would be worse off, and I guess I would be too

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MrWalletwithMothsonboard Tue 29-Apr-14 20:47:38

Mean men make bad partners. Don't do it. Try this test. Send him out for a some shopping when he stays over. If he asks for the money, then you have your answer! ;0}

Yes my name is the result of my last dp being a tightwad!

expatinscotland Tue 29-Apr-14 20:49:29

Please dump him! The whole expecting you to commit fraud is beyond the pail.

Do NOT date tightwads anymore. If you feel that at the first date, DUMP.

There is a reason these men are single.

Just tell him,'I'm really offended after this long you treat me like a glorified flat mate and expect me to commit fraud becuase you are so tight. We are through. '

Lweji Tue 29-Apr-14 20:53:03

You knew when you posted, didn't you?

But better get rid now than after making the big life changes.

Beware that he may "change his mind" if you call it off, but I doubt it will last.

Thatslife72 Tue 29-Apr-14 20:53:09

Lol well I can tell you what would happen, he wouldn't ask for it, but I would just give it him, if I didn't I would feel guilty.

Another example of his tightness, my child had a bowling party for their birthday he wanted dps children to come so they were invited and of course paid for. His child recently had a party my 2 were invited which I just thought would be paid for but he turned around and said but it will cost you x amount sorry about that. I was totally shocked, I said nothing at the time but nearer the time I said I want sure I could afford it, eventually he said don't worry and he paid, but actually on the day I needed up paying for things so I paid quite a lot in the end anyway. Ohh I always get them !

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Vivacia Tue 29-Apr-14 20:53:30

Of course he benefits.

I earn a lot more than my partner and until reading this thread had never considered the issues of "support" or "benefit" in any way other than how incredibly lucky I am to have his support and how much I benefit from our relationship..

Thatslife72 Tue 29-Apr-14 20:55:07

Sorry my I pad keeps changing words, but hopefully you get the drift

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