Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I told DP that if he wanted a bachelor lifestyle. ....

12 replies

meikyo · 24/04/2014 21:00

that it could be arranged.... We both work FT in fairly stressful jobs. He sometimes has short business trips/dinners midweek so has meals out, hotels etc. I have one DC (not DPs) age 11. We live together.
DP pleases himself (working) about the times he comes home, sometimes as late as 8pm on a school night. .when he doesnt have a business event. He occasionally does some food shopping but usually I do it or there would be nothing organised.
When DP does cook midweek he tends to cook something fancy which takes ages and is not ready until after 8pm. I think this us too late for us to eat, esp for DC. I have told him this.
Tonight DP was home over an hour before me. I phoned home when I left work to check if he had started dinner. .no answer. I picked up some food on way home..just as well as when I got in at 6.45 he was mucking around doing non urgent jobs in the garden. DC was hungry and was raiding the snack cupboard...
I had to come straight in and get going in cooking without even getting my jacket off. We ate at 7.20.
I just get so fed up of being the organiser and that his assumption is that I will get the food shopping and cook. I think he is so used to getting things done for him in hotels etc
that he just doesn't think ahead...making me resentful.

OP posts:

Report

bragmatic · 25/04/2014 01:04

Fair enough. What did he say?

Report

EBearhug · 25/04/2014 01:11

Maybe next time, you should just do food for you and the DC, if he has had the chance to do it and hasn't.

Report

niceupthedance · 25/04/2014 05:54

Can you get the food shopping delivered? Does he do other jobs around the house?

You say he sometimes doesn't come home til 8pm, and that's not work-related. Do you get to have a social life too? Sounds like there's some negotiation to be done here.

Report

DeckSwabber · 25/04/2014 08:11

I can totally see where you are coming from, but what struck me was that you had to pick up food on the way home which suggests that neither of you are thinking ahead.

Could you get your heads together for a few minutes once a week to look at who is doing what and then who is responsible for which meals?

And have some basics in so that you can do a quick meal if plans change.

Report

Eliza22 · 25/04/2014 08:23

Online shopping. Do you collectively earn enough/have the disposable income to eat out mid-week say, when you could meet locally "on the way home" for food. I don't know what your circumstances are. When my parents were both working full time, long hours, they had a housekeeper the lady who came in a couple of times a week to do a bit of housework and cook a meal, ready for them when they got home, a couple of times a week.

What about your DC's dad? Is he involved. Does he had child after school, for tea? If it's all "on" you two, you need to sit down and discuss a timetable, acceptable to both.

Report

Vivacia · 25/04/2014 08:25

I'm really not sure that the OP using online shopping is going to address her partner's lack of responsibility for a child in his care.

Report

Eliza22 · 25/04/2014 08:51

I agree Vivacia but at least OP can come home straight from work and not need to be running around like the proverbial scalded hen, before she can feed her child. Personally, I wouldn't cook for him. Personally, I wouldn't live with him given the choice. If the OP can manage, I'd ask him to leave and that'd be it, for me.

Report

DeckSwabber · 25/04/2014 08:56

How long have you been living together, OP?

Report

evelynj · 25/04/2014 09:14

LTB.

No, I relate-my dh is same-someone on here put it well recently that there is certain chores they actually see as 'women's work' so when we do them, they take it for granted but when they do them they want to be treated like a hero.

My dh would do same re cooking fancy meals-I gave hi, 2 days a week when he was responsible for tea. Took ages, made an ungodly mess which was too late in evening to clear up etc & wasn't v nice which is by the by. He did the cooking a couple of times & then seemed to 'forget'

I've stopped cooking for dh most of the time which doesn't mum prove him but at least gives me more time if I have soup from the freezer or something.

How about sorting out tomorrow's tea the eve before so it just needs microwaved, (I used to never use microwave but makes life so much easier). The relief of the stress is worth it.

Good luck & will be watching with interest.....

Report

Vivacia · 25/04/2014 09:27

How about saying, "I don't finish work until 6:30 tomorrow, you will need to do tea"?

Report

PoundingTheStreets · 25/04/2014 12:08

How long have you been together and did you discuss how you would divide domestic chores and chid-care before you moved in?

If you love your DP and you want to fix this rather than leave, now's the time to have the discussion if you haven't already. If you've already talked it through and he's reneging on his end of the deal, you have the choice of trying to appeal to his better nature and coming up with a properly thought through plan that makes everyone's lives easier, or leaving/kicking him out.

IMO things are different when you move in with someone who has DC. You have to accept that the child becomes your responsibility and you become a de facto parent with all the responsibilities that entails. You don't get to say "not my child so I won't bother checking if it's ok for me to stay out late after work tonight." If you're not prepared to do that, you have no business moving in with someone who has a child IMO.

This isn't necessarily fair on the step parent, but the child's needs come before the issue of fairness for the adults. The adult has the option of walking away from that responsibility and ending the relationship (or not co-habiting) if it is unacceptable to them. Step parents who willingly take on this role and embrace it are wonderful people who deserve huge amounts of appreciation for the effort they make, but that doesn't mean that it isn't the baseline that should be expected of them.

Your DP needs to realise this and make a choice I think.

Report

meikyo · 25/04/2014 19:03

Thanks for all your replies. I really needed to vent a little yesterday!
We have been together almost 4 years, living together for about 18 months. DP has 2 older DC, they visit often and we go on holidays etc together.
When we met DP had been living alone for a couple of years after the end of a live in relationship. He divorced from his ex W about 12 years ago when his DC were under 7. The DSC lived with their Mum but he had them at least every other weekend.
I guess he is not used to day to day family living. He was at boarding school so not so much personal experience of daily home routines.
Weekly online shop sounds a good idea. My DC has clubs/activities 3 nights a week and I do all the to-ing and fro-ing.
I have had a heavy week working; DC has swimming lesson tonight and DP is at a business formal dinner. ..
My ex H has DC every other weekend but does not help with clubs etc. Also ex H is currently unemployed so no maintenance coming in..I do get annoyed when I have to do all the running around when ex H is sitting at home doing nothing.
I do need to talk to both DP and ex H about doing more.