My in laws refuse to have a relationship with me -can my marriage survive this

[Booboo0910]

To try and keep this brief following the birth of my son 3 years ago I have had no end of problems with my parents in law. I struggled to cope after the birth although at the time I couldn't admit to this and tried to manage everything myself which had an impact on my relationship with my husband which we worked through.
However the same cannot be said of my i laws they had v specific of how their relationship interaction would be with my son and unfortunately we didn.t always agree on this. It all cumulated in a huge row between my husband and they basically disowned us all on the spot due to our unreasonable behaviour... Could give u numerous of examples quoted from me asking my fil not to disturb my sons sleep one night and daring to suggest he comes around when he is awake to me not laughing to one of there friends jokes...
They refused to see any of us for nearly 3 years even walking last and ignoring us in the street still hit sure how they could do that to their grandson. The fallout of this on my husband was awful he lost his job (had worked in family business) and suffered severe depression I supported him best I could through this difficult time.
Eventually contact was made and they resumed a relationship with my son and husband but clearly stated that I was not a good person and they would never have any relationship with me. I thought I could cope with this but I gave struggled so much to accept it over last 6 months.
This caused huge problems with my husband to point we are considering divorce, this is last thing I want but cannot deal with the rejection.
I cannot get over the fact my husband is happy to go along with this and has not questioned their decisions. I feel completely betrayed by hime and my resentment keeps growing which just pushes him further away and towards them. I know if it came to a choice. He would choose them they have completely blinded him and now I am the bad guy and just cannot win.
Should I learn to live with this rejection or admit defeat and give up on my mariage which I know is there ultimate aim, and as they say they always get what they want...
Can I get past this?

[NachoAddict]

No advice but want to offer my sympathy.

My partner and I are on the verge of breaking up because I refuse to have a relationship with his mother and won't allow her to have one with our ds either. Sort've the opposite situation to you but the tension is just too much. Seems families are the nonnegotiable.

I'm not some horrible cow btw, she behaved appallingly towards me and openly dislikes my other two dc.

[BarbarianMum]

I think having to chose b/w your parents and spouse is a very difficult position to be in.

Can I ask, do you actually want a relationship w these people after the way they've treated you, or are you 'just' feeling hurt and angry that they have chosen to reject you? Because if it is the former ten yes, its a problem. But if you don't actually want a relationship with them (wanting them to be different/nicer people doesn't count for these purposes) then allowing your dh to maintain one should not be a problem in your marriage - he can go over to them occasionally, they don't ever come to you.

[AnyFucker]

Well yes, if you and your H are pulling on the same side

It appears not, so I don't hold out too much hope, sorry

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

I agree with AF

Its your H willingness to let them treat you with disdain is the issue. I wouldnt be have with this situation either.

Be wary about them saying things infront of your DS.

[cloggal]

I think you need to talk to your DH. Yes, you can both have different levels of contact with them. But for them to dictate that you are to stay away isn't something he should be accepting. Sorry but in the main I agree with AF. It's not about them not seeing you. It's about your DH allowing this treatment of you to stand.

[Quitelikely]

Do not give up on your marriage regarding this one issue.

Accept that he will love his parents unconditionally and you conditionally. As people we have an innate desire to belong. His family fulfil that desire, obviously so do you and the dc but in different ways.

I know sometimes in laws can seem insensitive but a lot of the time I don't believe they think they're being offensive. I mean if your fil calls round and ds is in bed why is that so bad? I just don't understand why it has to be a deal breaker iyswim.

Can't you let the past go and make up with them. Not for their sake as such but for everybodies sake.

Good luck

[Fontella]

I cannot get over the fact my husband is happy to go along with this and has not questioned their decisions. I feel completely betrayed by him and my resentment keeps growing which just pushes him further away and towards them. I know if it came to a choice. He would choose them they have completely blinded him and now I am the bad guy and just cannot win.

Sadly, there's your problem right there. It's not so much the in laws (although they sound like the family from hell) but the fact that your husband is willing to allow them to dictate the terms of his relationship with them by excluding you - his wife and the mother of his child.

"Should I learn to live with this rejection ...."

The simple answer to that is no.

Your husband is failing you, not the other way around. You supported him through the previous breakdown of his relationship with his parents, and throughout the time he was depressed and unemployed, and for him to just blithely resume his relationship with them on their terms (after the way they previously treated both you and him) a relationship whereby you and you alone are made scapegoat, is completely unacceptable.

If you haven't already done so, it's maybe time to sit him down and point out a few home truths.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

[Fizzybangfanny]

fontella has it spot on op.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Sadly, his parents appear to have drawn up the battle lines and he's chosen to go to their side.

Although I have to ask one thing about the problems (the 'impact on the relationship') that you and your DH had after the birth of your child as this seems to be where it all fell apart. What form did those take? Could they have seen what happened and concluded that DH was being treated badly?

[MelonadeAgain]

Oh goodness, they sound like a bunch of controlling nutters. Your DH is the product of their raising him...he worked in the family business, lost his job over this - to me that indicates he is not that independent and they want to control him and by extension you and his child. When they don't get their own way, they have a tantrum and behave appallingly.

I agree with Cogito that since this is so final, you should make sure that your own conduct has been entirely fair and scrupulous and that you are in no way to blame for any of this. You could also (if you are an exceptionally broad minded person) try again with the inlaws to let bygones be bygones and establish a civilised relationship.

I do think though that the main problem is not your inlaws (whom you can live without) but the fact that your DH has so clearly taken their side.

[Jan45]

I also think it's your DH who is really letting you down here, they sound awful people, I can understand him wanting some contact with them but the fact they are ostracising you should be enough for him to tell them to GTF.

[Hairytoekerr01]

What would concern me is what's likely to happen when your kids get older and start to question why they see their grandparents without you?

As it sounds like they would have no moral issued telling your kids your a bad person and causing issues in years to come.

It sounds to me as if you're fil is the archetypical Alpha Male who if challenged or questioned throws his toys out the pram.

Robbing his son of his livelihood and ability to support his family over an arguement is disgusting.

People like that like to build empires, alliances and use them to bully and intimidate.

To be fair to your DH if he has grown up with this abuse and control it can be quite hard to break.

Unfortunately though he will need to stand up to him or this 'cult' is in danger of consuming your kids too.

From an outsider looking in I would say to make it clear that the kids and you are a package. If you don't see one then you don't see the other.

However, I know it's always easier to give advice from outside, so good luck!

Hairytoe