Have nn changed for this.
Brief background. DH and I have a 3 YO DD. He rarely gets angry about things and loses his temper/shouts/used to throw or break something. Nothing physical has ever been near DD or I. He usually tends to find once it's out of his system he's fine again and it's like his release mechanism. I can't off hand think of instances where it's directed at me and I've never really felt any danger of physical harm. It's maybe about some DIY he can't do/something he's lost et and these bursts are short lived and rare. Although not physically harmed, I hate the way he behaves and it upsets me emotionally as I find his manner aggressive and angry. He is like a different person as he is generally quiet. I don't feel like I'm treading on eggshells trying not to make him angry all the time, but I do feel that I should avoid him when he is angry.
Since having DD and he was up in the night with her as a baby and very tired, there was a point where these got more frequent. I think the most frequent ever was 3 times in a week. There were a couple of instances where he really really shouting at DD 'just go to f*ing sleep' in a really loud scary aggressive way when she was too young to understand or listen anyway. This spurred me to think we had to do something about this. I don't want DD thinking this is acceptable behaviour and either growing up to behave like this or being in a relationship thinking this is the norm. DH after a discussion accepted he has a problem, but thinks I'm making a big deal over something relatively small given it's frequency. He grew up in an environment where this behaviour was acceptable.
When he does get cross, he HATES me mentioning it, and it makes things much worse. I feel I can't not mention it as my ignoring this behaviour I'm enforcing it's acceptable. I've tried different tacks like waiting until afterwards to try to discuss it, but it always gets him more worked up. So, yesterday he had 3 instances of not handling behaviour with DD very well and getting verbally aggressive (he says the same things I might do to discipline her, but his tone sounds very aggressive and he got really worked up about it) so instead of actually talking to him about it I left a book out for him to see which he had bought (OK, on my insistence to help with things, which I thought it had) about dealing with anger. My thoughts being it will show I don't think his behaviour is acceptable and guide him to rereading the book to help him be reminded of some strategies. I found the book put straight back in the bookcase and so picked him up on why I had got it out and he got annoyed at me mentioning it. This led on to him losing his temper and shouting and swearing at me about why I have to bring it up and I only make it worse by doing so and he'd be fine thank you very much if I hadn't bought it up. It ended out (I was very calm through all this) that I said if he genuinely felt this behaviour is acceptable and doesn't want to do anything about it then we have no marriage any more. I asked him to leave. He refused but said he would sleep downstairs. I said I couldn't be in the same house. I started getting clothes etc together to go to my Mums and was going to take DD with me (have to wake her up to do so) and then he said he would go to his parents. So, he went to his parents last night to sleep. He did say he was sorry and he knew his behaviour wasn't good but I think he still sees me making a big deal of this when he doesn't think there is a big deal and I'm not sure how willing he is to work on it.
He came back for his work stuff first thing this morning and left me a note saying 'sorry, we'll talk when I come home from work x'.
So, I'm not sure where to go from here. I think he certainly now thinks I'm serious about his behaviour being unacceptable given I've never actually said I'll leave him/the marriage is over. I feel I would owe it to him and DD and the relationship to give it another try but only on the basis that he would admit his behaviour is not right and he wants to work on it. Should I give conditions to things or will this all lead to resentment about it on his part and I should give up on the whole marriage? Anyone been in a similar situation or got any advice as to what I could do? Or ways in which I can explain it to him that this behaviour isn't acceptable (he just can't compute this and always puts it back on me)? Or am I being OTT and just put up with it? it's only a very small part of him.
Sorry for the essay, thanks for reading. Need to know in my head what tac I'm going to take by tea time...
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Anger issues - do I give up on the marriage? Advice needed
TheNnYouRequestedIsAlreadyInUs · 24/04/2014 07:44
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