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Is it just me or is this email nasty?

(224 Posts)
whichoneofusisnuts Wed 23-Apr-14 02:06:41

NC for this as it's embarrassing / personal.

New BF. He's great. Together a few weeks only. He's attentive and clearly turned on by me, but he wants to hold off full sex until he feels deeper emotions, but we "do stuff".

So anyway, "sex moments" can be a bit fumbly and I feel a bit awkward. He seems very full on but sort of holds back from full intercourse. He emailed me today and said he had to relieve himself at home and it was so frustrating. I sent a very sweet reply saying I missed him and wanted to see him tonight and added on the end "as for the rest it's your fault for being frigid".

I said this as a joke, but he sent an absolutely awful reply which said:

Hmmm, with a response like that, reckon I'll stay home tonight.

Not sure how you can think that calling someone 'frigid' is exactly going to help matters but, tbh, I don't actually recall you doing that much to help things anyway. Tends to be the case that you do a little then just try and sit on me regardless.

Not arguing. Think this one's best left well alone

AIMU or was this a nasty reply to a (perhaps insensitive) joke? Can someone tell me how they would interpret this?

I feel really pissed off, but also not sure if I maybe touched a sore spot. That said his reply seemed like a 5 year old child and it was quite spiteful.

Llareggub Wed 23-Apr-14 02:09:02

He doesn't sound that great. He sounds awful! Run for the hills.

whichoneofusisnuts Wed 23-Apr-14 02:11:18

That's what I thought! Seemed like a way OTT response.

Boudica1990 Wed 23-Apr-14 02:13:36

Sounds to me like you hit a nerve and possibly embarrassed him so he "stung" back.

If I were you I'd just e-mail back something along the lines of "sorry didn't mean to cause offence, was only joking x"

Sex is a sensitive subject for him I think that's all.

marmaladeandjam Wed 23-Apr-14 02:17:59

Yuck yuck yuck.

I'm NOT shaming any man for not being able to be incredibly virile off the bat, ED issues aren't uncommon the love of my life couldn't get it up our first two dates but the touchiness, the implication that you're at fault, and now have to make an Action Plan To Please Him is weird and controlling. Excess sensitivity can be used as a social weapon, and I think he's doing that here

And he's 'not arguing'? confused How awfully fucking passive aggressive decent of him grin

Get rid, he's weird.

marmaladeandjam Wed 23-Apr-14 02:22:03

he's also implying you've now got to deal with your JOINT problem of 'matters'

in other words, protecting his little bruised ego and tiptoeing round his self-consciousness regarding sex. What about you and YOUR need to feel desired/confident rather than like someone who is dealing with a delicate emotional flower where matters of the bedroom (and probably life) are concerned?

Bearandcub Wed 23-Apr-14 02:24:07

Taking away opportunity to defend yourself
Sexually explicit but on his terms only
Clearly has issues with intercourse and or your level of involvement

Run for the hills and never look back

TheAwfulDaughter Wed 23-Apr-14 02:24:07

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

2Retts Wed 23-Apr-14 02:25:21

Hard work! Is he really worth it?

Boudica1990 Wed 23-Apr-14 02:26:06

Gosh obviously I'm wrong.

It's fine to embarrass someone by name calling or questioning their sexual ability and then expect a sweet caring e-mail back, not questioning your sexual ability. confused

But there we go.

TheAwfulDaughter Wed 23-Apr-14 02:27:22

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

2Retts Wed 23-Apr-14 02:29:26

My intial thoughts were 'retract' too Boudica because we don't know how the entire message to him went, as it is not stipulated.

The response outweighed my initial response's only a few weeks in and he seems a bit precious to be frank.

TheAwfulDaughter Wed 23-Apr-14 02:29:43

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

whichoneofusisnuts Wed 23-Apr-14 02:30:49

okay, well with a little afterthought, I do concede my joke was a little "off". He doesn't have ED, but he has trouble...err...finishing unless he feels a connection.

However, what I thought was that it might have been more appropriate for him to respond that my joke was hurtful, or to say "that wasn't nice" and I felt the response I got from him was casting blame onto me for his sexual issues, trying to make me feel like I me somehow inadequate, telling me what we can or can't talk about and worst off completely casting aside the insecurities I might have about my new BF being unable to cum in bed with me. Which obviously is a sore spot for me too.

Thank God for MN.

TheLandOfIthaka Wed 23-Apr-14 02:32:36

Two options...

1, you can be 'nice' (which I think he's hoping to goad you into doing) and spend half your life discussing his sex by text, working out what YOU can do to make HIM happy and comfortable.

2. Let go.

What a nasty little piece he is. I mean he can't have full sex, but wants to let you know he's having a wank, maybe so you can then dress up as a shepherdess and text him pictures, because that's the only way he can get off? Bloooooooooooody hell.

JellyMould Wed 23-Apr-14 02:32:50

I think it's pretty nasty to call someone frigid tbh.

AmberLeaf Wed 23-Apr-14 02:33:28

Im with Boudica.

I think calling someone frigid because they don't wan't penetrative sex is fucking appalling and if a man had said that to you, you would have got very different replies.

Yes his email back was biting, but you, IMO, deserved it.

whichoneofusisnuts Wed 23-Apr-14 02:33:57

For the sake of getting a rounded opinion, my full email to him was this:

Yes, I am getting a lot done. Just got bollocked by a client...wasn’t fun, but I told you I am VERY behind.

I really do miss you, so if you change your mind and want to watch the (shit) football here tonight then please do go ahead. This next week I need to be in bed and asleep before midnight so I can be up for 7.30 and working hard at it for 9am so I can't be up too late but I'd still love to see you

Sorry you had to relieve yourself, but it’s YOU stopping me from doing it for you. Frigid springs to mind


2Retts Wed 23-Apr-14 02:34:35

whichoneofusisnuts, I think you're right to concede that but he may have perceived it as an attack, in which case the best defence is a counter-attack.

You don't have the necessary foundation to deal with such sensitive shit.

Now you know how he responds, do you really think he is worth the work?

TheLandOfIthaka Wed 23-Apr-14 02:36:37

The "not finishing" thing isn't uncommon. I think the root cause is actually psychological: one guy I know who had it, whilst being one of the self styled 'nice' guys, had massive mother issues, and difficulty with 'women in general': either he was putting them on a pedestal or he was very resentful and passive-aggressive.

But its not then for him to project HIS issue onto you.


Boudica1990 Wed 23-Apr-14 02:36:38

Ohh please men are often passengers on the HMS melodrama more than women when they want to be.

He has openly said he has a issue with sex, you poked the bear with a stick and the bear roared back.

Live and learn, he obviously doesn't like to be made to feel embarrassed about the situation and probably didn't aporeaciate the name calling so he "name called back"

Either dump him and move on, or talk to him.

AmberLeaf Wed 23-Apr-14 02:36:41

The full text doesn't make it sound any better.

Nandocushion Wed 23-Apr-14 02:39:02

Don't like his response, but I think your comment was pretty bad. If a man called me frigid, especially after only a few weeks together and only because I was unwilling to leap into bed until I knew him better, I wouldn't bother seeing him again.

2Retts Wed 23-Apr-14 02:39:15

Oh, that kinda puts a different spin on things.

I'm not sure that penetrative sex is the thing that's going to do it for everyone, especially if the emotional connection is not yet established.

If a woman believes the intimacy is a reflection of the relationship, why is a guy not permitted to feel the same (IYSWIM)?

Glastokitty Wed 23-Apr-14 02:39:55

I think you were both at fault.

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