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At my furious. WWYD?

(74 Posts)
Lagoonablue Tue 22-Apr-14 19:11:17

OK my mum is a bit difficult, borderline NPD IMHO. She dotes on my kids though she is incredibly fussy and house proud and almost follows them round with a DustBuster. Not very restful.

We are staying with her for a few days. I can tell her stress levels are high. She is conflicted because she loves the kids but they obviously make her immaculate house messy. Just general untidiness which I always clear up when they go to bed. Kids are 3, 5 and 8.

However she is panicking that they will stain her carpet at mealtimes and they are both sitting on tea towels on chairs with a mat under the table. I don't mind this as is her house but tonight they were a bit giddy at the table as tired so that was difficult and DS dropped a bit of dinner on himself. She was huffing and puffing and wiping.....I got so exasperated that I said, ' you want us to visit and this is the reality of having three small children in your house. They ares messy.'

So.....she took massive offence at this. I didn't rise to the bait. Later heard her slagging me off to my enabler father. Didn't hear it all but definately heard her say my kids have appalling table manners. They don't. They are not great but they are little kids. I am working on it. They are improving as kids do as they get older. So I said 'please don't talk about me. And my kids do not have awful manners.'

I am bloody furious. AIBU? Just feel like leaving tbh.

hamptoncourt Tue 22-Apr-14 19:33:27

Why are you so worried about her drama? If you are unhappy just leave. She will never change, you do realise that? There is no point in talking to her about her behaviour. It won't be her fault and you will have "upset her."

Life is too short for all this tedious nonsense, limit contact and keep yourself sane grin

Floralnomad Tue 22-Apr-14 19:35:04

If you want to continue to have a relationship with your mum I wouldn't ask for an apology ,just move on . I honestly feel for you but I think this is one of those times when you need to just rise above it and be the 'bigger' person.

Lagoonablue Tue 22-Apr-14 19:36:03

Thanks for your views folks. Some suggestions are really sensible but I know she won't take anything I say well and will probably stir up a hornets nest.

Going to have to grin and bear it. She isn't speaking at the moment. Nice evening ahead. Not.

Lweji Tue 22-Apr-14 19:36:27

Why does she have a carpet where you eat?

Lagoonablue Tue 22-Apr-14 19:37:27

Good point. She lives in a small house. No room for a Kitchen table so dining table in lounge.

pud1 Tue 22-Apr-14 19:37:46

Are you staying at MY mothers. Have I got a sister I didn't know about.

I feel your pain

My mums lives about a 2 hour drive away. I don't normally do over night at hers as she is so house proud it drives me mad. It just makes me feel so uncomfortable. She rolls the rug up when gc come to visit. Her house is stifling as she will not open windows as it disturbs her perfectly pleated net curtains. If you take too long with a cup of tea she takes it away and washes it up before you have finished

I could go on forever.

BosieDufflecoat Tue 22-Apr-14 19:38:05

I sympathise. Can't stand overly fussy houses. There's being tidy, and then there's having every trace of your existence removed ASAP, which is seriously unwelcoming.

Lagoonablue Tue 22-Apr-14 19:39:10

Ha ha pud. You must be related. The cup thing is legendary with me and DH. Dinner is also eaten in 5 mins flat so she can quickly get the kitchen clean all back to normal.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Tue 22-Apr-14 19:50:34

Gosh she sounds incredibly hard work. My first boyfriend lived with his folks and whenever he came to.mine, he had to be home at a set time so his mum could clean the shower after he had been in, and this needed to be before her bedtime.

Needless to say we didnt last long.

If I were you I would jusy try and avoid more than a one night stay in the futire.

Waltermittythesequel Tue 22-Apr-14 19:56:03

I once nipped to the loo during supper at MIL's and when I got back my food was gone and the whole place was cleaned to within an inch of its life.

I genuinely wondered if I'd imagined the whole meal.

Vivacia Tue 22-Apr-14 20:02:42

Presumably you know that she's like this, and yet you choose to stay with her. She sounds unbearable, but not unpredictable, in her ways.

I can't see the difference between her letting off steam to her husband and you letting off steam on here.

Please don't demand an apology. Grin and bear it, and survive until you can leave tomorrow. In future, make sure visits are short enough not to cause any of you any distress.

Hissy Tue 22-Apr-14 20:06:33

Get your stuff together tomorrow morning and go home after breakfast. Tell her you feel ill or something, and don't allow her to bamboozle you.

Go home and don't ever stay with her again.

-- or do I have to come down there and get you?--

Hissy Tue 22-Apr-14 20:06:59

Gah! strikeout fail

Olddear Tue 22-Apr-14 20:09:26

When I have young child relatives here (2 & 4) they eat snacks/juice in sitting room where they can watch tv or sit at a table I have for them where they can draw etc. I put a cover down because I don't want things spilled on my carpet either! Who wants orange juice etc on their carpet? I don't think I'm house proud, they have lots of freedom, but nothing wrong with being careful! And I tidy up the toys they've finished playing with when they move onto doing something else! Can't stand a really messy house plus it teaches them to tidy up behind themselves too

spatchcock Tue 22-Apr-14 20:14:01

Has she always been this way, OP? My mum has always been like this. Visits home sound a bit like yours. When I first visited (from abroad) with four month old DD, I was sat in the guest room bfing after a long journey and she came and threw my shoes at me, just missing us, because I'd left them in the wrong place. I told her if she ever did anything like that again I'd leave and never return.

My dominant memories from childhood are being told off for spilling something on the floor. I remember feeling paralysed with fear and dread because I had a blobby pen and some ink got on my (pristine) bedspread. Now I look back and think how dysfunctional this is.

It's a shame they can't enjoy their grandchildren, mess and all. As my MIL says when one of the kids breaks/dirties something, "they're just things, it doesn't matter".

HermioneWeasley Tue 22-Apr-14 20:15:13

Go home and don't visit her again

storynanny2 Tue 22-Apr-14 20:21:10

Spatchcock, my mother is the same. I think she has ocd and some mental health issues but she laughs off any attempt to talk about it and says she is right about everything. She is now 86 and cant cope with a door being open at the wrong angle. I also have memories of a scary childhood because of the way she is.

eightandthreequarters Tue 22-Apr-14 20:22:28

My mum once threw away my DC's final dose of antibiotics because it was sitting on the kitchen shelf - looking untidy. I had poured it out into a measuring cup, then gone to get DC, came back within 60 seconds... and yes, she did know what it was.

Do I win the neurotic mother prize??

mineofuselessinformation Tue 22-Apr-14 20:27:33

Waltermitty, going off at a complete tangent, but are you from East Anglia? I've never heard anyone outside of my family say 'blue arsed fly'. grin

storynanny2 Tue 22-Apr-14 20:28:23

Does anyone have a mother who only allows visitor to have a cup of tea at a certain time and who washes up the washing up bowl and puts it away in its allotted space in the cupboard?
Also puts the lights out at 10.30pm on the dot and everyone has to go to bed?
Curtains drawn at the "right" time even if it is light outside?

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 22-Apr-14 20:30:50


Please do not take this the wrong way but what on earth possessed you to visit this awful pair in the first place and with your children in tow as well?. Such people do NOT change and your Dad is playing the enabler role here to perfection. Women like your mother always but always need a willing enabler to help them. They've both trained you well haven't they - your children should never have to sit on tea towels up at the table with a further mat under the table!.

"So I said 'please don't talk about me. And my kids do not have awful manners."

That perfectly reasoned request to your mother was to her a red rag to a bull and thus likely made her even more nasty. Asking her to be nicer was doomed to failure from the start; doing that set you up for yet more verbal crap from her.

Re an apology - well you can forget about that as well from her I am sorry to say. No narcissist ever apologises nor even accepts any responsibility for their actions. You are always wrong and your mother in her mind is always right. Its her way or no way as far as she is concerned and you are always wrong. And no, she does not dote or even love your children either, well not in the ways you think she should. She sees them primarily as narcissistic supply; she will tire of them soon enough or use them to get back at you (which is also what she has done here).

Go home asap tomorrow - and never visit them within their domain ever again. Such people as well make for being deplorably bad grandparents; your children certainly do not benefit at all in seeing these people and nor do you.

I would suggest you go onto read "Children of the Self Absorbed" written by Nina W Brown.

clam Tue 22-Apr-14 20:36:14

eightandthreequarters I had that once. Dd was taking some really important medication, that she couldn't miss, yet couldn't have a double dose. It was sitting by her cereal bowl, next to her juice, and she usually took it at some point during breakfast. Bil poured it away and I didn't know whether she'd had it or not, as he said "there was only a bit left," but there was "only a bit" to start with.
SIL and he clearly thought I was fussing about nothing, but I wasn't a fraction as hysterical cross as they would have been had it been their child.

storynanny2 Tue 22-Apr-14 20:36:34

Attila, your post makes good sense, is that book readily available? I would like to read it.
In my case I cant possibly not visit as I love my lovely dad dearly. How he has coped for 70 years I dont know, except that he has lots of outside friends and hobbies and a fantastic big cosy workshop in the garden.

Waltermittythesequel Tue 22-Apr-14 20:36:40

mine no, we're from Dublin!

I always thought that was a completely commonplace saying! grin

Mactaff Tue 22-Apr-14 20:45:19

We stopped visiting my MIL for the same sort of behaviour. You won't change her and it's better that your children aren't exposed to her neuroses and aggression.

I'm not suggesting we should all just give up on cleaning, far from it, but when avoiding carpet stains and having an organised cutlery drawer are more important to someone than their relationship with their family they are in the grip of a psychosis in my opinion. As others have said, life is too short to waste on irrelevances like uber-tidiness.

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