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Multiple issues - help to untangle

(111 Posts)
Chris2107 Tue 22-Apr-14 01:26:54

Son dropped out of a last minute attempt at uni with depression, self harming and strong weed habit and lost all healthiness and put on 3 stone in weight in 1 term.
Hubby took redundancy 7 yrs ago and set up own business just at point we had agreed I go self employed contractor to allow me to work flexibly. His income dropped by 75% leaving me to work long hard contracts to make up income difference. We had agreed I contract and take a break due to a number of previous issues of his making that had resulted in depression for me then an affair by him in response. His redundancy has been used to fund his business - circa £100k invested and I earn good money but see v little of it due to family needs. I work long hours and hubby does 8 days a week wfh which means I pick up all domestic duties and every time my back turned any time day or night he is back in his office.
Just needed a new hip and lost contract as a result due to poor recovery. 19 yr old son stealing my strong pain killers and Valium ( never used before but needs must). Daughter a poppet at 17 doing AS levels. Her bf family going through huge issues and am trying to help. disabled mother 130 miles away and complex physical and mental issues and dad struggles to help. Can't drive due to hip to see them and when working its a strain but I manage to do visits and the SOS calls when there is a crisis.
Hubby just taken an expensive and 12 day holiday as he "needed a break" leaving me to deal with all of the looney son, hospital appts for me and him and read out his work emails to him. I was never asked if it was ok to go away and if we (ie my wages) could afford it - answers would have been no
Why am I sharing this?
Because I want reassurance that if I get cross and shout it's to be expected. I need better coping strategies (dh always been adrenalin junkie and we used to do more together). Even his best mate has criticised his behaviours which I want to cut down to stress.
But have retreated to spare room for a month and removed wedding bands. I am looking for a restatement of why we want to stay married as we did so initially after the affair for the kids sake and they are now 17 and 19 and with the financial burden on me for so long I feel so resentful I can't be kind or generous to him - even though my friends would characterise me by these traits. So I can't be kind to him anymore and resent him for making my behaviour towards him less kind than for anyone else. Can't detail the big bad issues which triggered my behaviour but they were bad bad bad and would have made for a v difficult divorce if revealed to the court - nothing perverted but just overly adventurous given age of kids
Did try Relate at one point 7 years ago but it was when he was having affair and I didn't know and he left the room and called mistress and told her everything we discussed so I find it hard to contemplate that route again.
But I am at the end of the line of confrontations which lead to a ceasefire but not real peace because inevitably he will do one more thing of great selfishness and I will lose my head. Married for 23 years.
I have just about enough insight to know he must be feeling bad too but am too involved to resolve any of it so suggestions please would be v welcome.
Signing off now as can smell drugs son is smoking - that's the university dropout one with clinical depression

Chris2107 Thu 24-Apr-14 12:04:05

Prob time for me to stop posting for a bit as the buried memories are rising up and swamping me and I am losing ability to docus on kids and visiting parents.
You are right - I need to focus on future. So posters here - I will let you know about my counselling which is on 6th May and may stay away til then. You have been brilliant at shining light into my head thoughts so thank you.

Offred Thu 24-Apr-14 12:07:37

That's very good, take the time you need. I think he's really done a job on you and I really hope the counselling can help you confront your fear of him.

bibliomania Thu 24-Apr-14 12:33:36

Best of luck.

bibliomania Thu 24-Apr-14 12:36:14

I do get where you're coming from, Offred.

Sherlockholmes221b Thu 24-Apr-14 13:27:44

Good luck Chris, so pleased your kids have given you the green light to extricate yourself from this messed up marriage. Children's love of a parent can be just as unconditional as a parents for a child, however abusive the relationship becomes, and the fact that they are both supportive of you separating says a lot.

AcrossthePond55 Thu 24-Apr-14 14:16:57

You are in my prayers, Chris. There is a lot of mental processing to be done, isn't there? Remember that your children have given you permission to leave your abusive relationship. And given your DS's problems, his being able to come out of his own pain to try to help you deal with yours speaks volumes about the young man he could be, given the right circumstances!

Listen to them. Listen to yourself.

Please do update us. And remember that we are behind you.

UptheChimney Thu 24-Apr-14 14:53:40

Good luck. Remember the almost unanimous response on this thread:

You are not being unreasonable
Your husband can be dangerous
There are ways to protect and nurtrure your children without staying in a damaging marriage

oldgrandmama Thu 24-Apr-14 19:12:49

Thinking of you, Chris. Your kids sound brilliant, bless them. Please let us know later how you are.

Chris2107 Mon 28-Apr-14 00:20:30

Just Some Rubbish to download - am now defined as the unreasonable one because no one else would have soaked up what he has had to over the years - and I am capable of verbal agent orange when provoked -Irish Catholic rhetoric with graduate language - perhaps someone better to have on your own team - and not always happy with the cheap shots I throw his way - and therefore described as "hard work". But I don't fight with anyone else - he says I am hard work but I didn't set off to be like that - just he won't do a fly past saying big fat sorry, I understand and will try harder. Just had a half successful evening cooking roast dinner - but when he started micro managing my gravy prep and interrupting funny story by querying my storing of leftover food I threw strop as it was him just taking back control and dulling down a light hearted convo.. V childish of me to strop as - cos I became unfriendly - so kids fled. It's DD's AS levels coming up and he is blaming me for making a crisis out of nothing, but going off on hols leaving me to soak it up with DS and own bad hip - was not nothing. I did do counselling after big ticket stuff which calmed me down but don't think it works unless both parties understand need to change - I calmed down and that was it - tho the protagonist he took no help at the time. In my case I am going back again for counselling but he thinks he may just need a tweak here or there and doesn't see the point in him seeing someone as I will just stay being hard work. Vvv hard to be better behaved during AS period - must try harder

Perhaps if DD ends up needing help too he will realise he is common denominator. Aaargh he was a good man and lovely when we married but has hardened up.

Other subtext - my most significant old v successful financially solvency but perhaps too doting single ex uni bf ( ie 20+ yrs of friendship and 5 of dating) telling me I can go stay for r n r no strings attached. Distraction. Greener grass. Am not adulterous by nature So no funny business and who'd want to take a 51 body to someone who last saw it at 23 ? - that's my dark humour btw - so no lectures please. But all the poetic bits of my life which are totally neglected in my home would get a chance to come out. Just venting here - but you can see my confusion - I just want to belt remorse and changed behaviour into hubby and that's a tall order in any circumstance- even without our background and my verbal heavy weight punches so am going to end post by childish frustration by saying bum, botty, poo, wee, potty cos it makes me smile and stops me wanting to let bad articulate unconstructive sentences out of my mouth into his ears. I do hope mums net posters see that sometimes we need to be able to treat it like a padded cell where you can say and fantasise about stuff - and that is itself is fantastic.
I did DH his website which grew his businesses enormously at 10% cost and provide all IT equipment and when I get really cross I threaten to remove it. This is really crass of me - as he feels threatened and I just say well that's what it felt like when he threatens me by being a neglectful plonker. Then his sense of feeling threatened blocks progress on any front.
Roll on 6th May counselling and I shall resist ex bf offer til end of AS levels ...
Today he helped our friend loads cos her hubby is getting a divorce and being a rat bag and she needs bucket load of help on finances and hubby put himself out whilst at same time feeling v uncomfortable that my help to her was enabling me to prep for self - it wasn't. So like everyone else he has better sides. My dentist says I grind my teeth - anyone else got that problem? :-) signing off with willy, bottom, poopoo, peepee and all those other naughty words kids want to say in order to vent. I have a picture in my head of grown women across the uk yelling out similar expletives as a way of releasing frustration. To paraphrase Dave Allen " Good night - and may your frustration release expletives go with you" :-)
Not expecting much response from this post - using it as a wAy to stay a bit sane and behaving for AS levels til counselling. Also getting bum massaged twice a week by physio - so bum and bumps getting sorted

AcrossthePond55 Mon 28-Apr-14 14:09:59

Rant away. It's good for the soul. But come back & read it when you've put your 'sanity hat' back on.

You & he are just at cross purposes & probably have been for years. You've probably rubbed along well enough but now both of you have been rubbed raw. And sounds as if neither of you really knows what to do about it. Counseling sounds great & if he won't go, go alone. right now you need to concentrate on yourself & figuring out what you want.

And I think you should avoid old BF like the plague. Not that you would cheat, but just that you don't need another complication/distraction in your life.

Chris2107 Mon 28-Apr-14 14:35:29

AcrossthePond55 - good advice on all fronts. Thank you. I send you one of my hugs that I have invented - here it is - (8) - the brackets are my arms and the 8 in the middle is the motherly boobs.

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