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Would sex texting be a deal breaker?

(36 Posts)
lemondust Mon 21-Apr-14 18:10:30

There is a back story and other aspects to this saga but I just want to ask this in isolation. I am so deeply involved in all the other cap that I worry I can lose perspective.

I found some very explicit text messages on dh phone. Very intimate and detailed about what he would like to do to and with this other woman. I instantly thought it would be an affair... He says it's an ex work colleague he got carried away with i.e flirting turned to sex texts... no contact and no physical sex. Even if I believe him, how much of a deal breaker would this be in your relationships? The messages were during the day and late at night. Sometimes dozens a day... I only saw one message string as the rest were deleted. He got unlucky the time I checked I think....

He says he is lonely and was flattered by the attention as our marriage is in the pits at the moment.

Thattimeofyearagain Mon 21-Apr-14 18:12:01

Deal breaker, no question.

Boudica1990 Mon 21-Apr-14 18:15:54

I'd lose trust in my do if this happened, and I can't have a relationship without trust so I'm sorry it would also be a deal breaker for me.

Tiredstilltired Mon 21-Apr-14 18:16:32

If he was. ' lonely', then you probably are too. But would you text a colleague all the filthy stuff you would like to do with them?
Thought not. Such utter disrespect. I would feel betrayed and cheated on. Sharing such intimate texts is wrong outside a marriage.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 21-Apr-14 18:17:25

Deal breaker no question of it.

Dirtybadger Mon 21-Apr-14 18:18:18

Well would you do it? I wouldn't. I would feel terribly guilty. Therefore my partner shouldn't.

lemondust Mon 21-Apr-14 18:18:41

They were very very intimate... embarrassingly intimate. And yes i am lonely... and no, I wouldn't and couldn't do that

Roshbegosh Mon 21-Apr-14 18:21:23

It does sound like a deal breaker but what do you mean about your marriage being in the pits. Have you already split up in many ways or not? If you are still trying to work things out then it is a huge betrayal.

Only1scoop Mon 21-Apr-14 18:21:49

Went through this years ago it was a deal breaker for the end.

I was stupid enough to give that second chance <we weren't even married should have ran like Forrest
Gump>....six months later found a mobile hidden in his car.

Six wasted months of worrying about what a selfish twunt with zero respect for me was up to.

Tiredstilltired Mon 21-Apr-14 18:25:25

What sort of things?
What do you know about her? Married, age etc?

lemondust Mon 21-Apr-14 18:25:30

No we have not split up... We have been arguing a huge amount the last year or two. We have some fundamental issues mostly around what i consider to be controlling and bullying behaviour on his part. I kept quiet for a couple of days after finding out but couldn't hold it in any longer after he said 'don't you want to fix this marriage ' to ME after yet another row. I called him a hypocrite then and told him I knew all about his sordid little phone wank sessions.

lemondust Mon 21-Apr-14 18:27:02

Tired. .. don't know much.. He worked with her, she is married, has kids. I don't know her

Adayinthelifeof Mon 21-Apr-14 18:28:36

It's sounds like there are some fundamental issues with your marriage which has led to him looking for excitement elsewhere. I'm going through similar issues right now and to be fair if someone showed some interest in me I'd likely go for it although that situation hasn't presented itself and I haven't gone out looking for it.

lemondust Mon 21-Apr-14 18:30:03

Adayinthelife. .. spot on. ... i think he was shown some excitement and took it. Danger is it all leads somewhere and people do find out

lemondust Mon 21-Apr-14 18:30:48

Or maybe he sought the excitement... either way the end result is the same

lemondust Mon 21-Apr-14 18:31:09

Or maybe he sought the excitement... either way the end result is the same

DickCrack Mon 21-Apr-14 18:34:37

I found dirty texts on my partners phone 7 weeks ago. I chucked him out. They were disgusting and included photos of his penis. They were to a woman he used to work with. A few days later I found out he'd been getting blow jobs off her in our car 2.5 years previously when giving her a lift home. Ds2 was 16 weeks old then. I hope your dh hasn't taken it further but yes, it was a deal breaker for me.
Disgusting behaviour, why can't men address their problems instead of wank themselves into oblivion.

RedRoom Mon 21-Apr-14 18:35:40

I forgave this once and he did the same thing a year later. Perhaps things can be salvaged, but my view is that this kind of behaviour and the consequent explanations he gives for it reveal as much about the man as they do about the marriage.

What I learned was that I wanted a man who works on his marriage when he feels lonely and unconnected to me, not someone who does nothing, can't work on the situation, and avoids reality by acting as if he is unmarried and free to talk about sex to a woman who isn't his wife. I also found it hard to accept his capacity for lying/ deception. I now think that if you are unhappy in your marriage, you should work on it and if that fails, end it, not cheat.

If his way of dealing with problems in your relationship is to blame external factors (loneliness caused by you, you not paying him attention etc) rather than looking at himself (he is weak willed, he is a married man, he should have talked to you rather than looked elsewhere, he has been deceptive) then what you have is a man who can't work through issues and take partially responsibility for things going wrong. No one made him press send on his phone however many times: he made that choice himself.

So, you may decide you can forgive him, but in my experience you can only really expect that to work if he can accept that his behaviour was his own choice. After all, you were unhappy but didn't sext other men.

Adayinthelifeof Mon 21-Apr-14 18:37:20

Lemondust - yeah, I'm not blaming you either. I don't know enough about your relationship to comment on that aspect of things but if I were you I'd look at finding a way out and finding someone who will truly love you unless you really think you can fix it.

We've plodded along for too long knowing it isn't working but not done anything about it so I don't think I could blame my wife if she found someone else to have fun with. Yeah I'd be pissed off and upset but if our relationship was sound it wouldn't have happened.

Take a good look at your life with your other half and really ask yourself if it's working and if it has a future. If not get out.

Vivacia Mon 21-Apr-14 18:38:30

So you've checked and received acknowledgement that this is deal-breaker territory. What next for you OP?

specialsubject Mon 21-Apr-14 18:41:22

You find him controlling and bullying. He's having an affair of some sort.

why bother any longer? Life is short.

good luck.

Happyringo Mon 21-Apr-14 18:46:37

Does it matter if it's a deal breaker for other people? What matters is if it's a deal breaker for you. (It would be for me). Hope things work out for the best, whichever way that may be.

lemondust Mon 21-Apr-14 19:29:28

Adayinthelife. .. We have done the same, plodded on for too long, not in a dull uneventful way but a paper over th cracks way, if that makes sense. Our relationship has many more problems than this and this is without doubt symptomatic. But it has happened and I am pissed off. More that it's another disappointment and another issue.

So what is next... I don't think there is a way back. Like you redroom I want to be with someone who loves me and respects me and who will try to resolve problems not just find the nearest flirtation.

I know it seems silly seeking validation here of what is going on but I am so mixed up.... After talking earlier with dh I started to feel sorry for him. For how bad and sad he must have been.... He was talking about how sad he would be living in a flat away from his family if he went. He was being all melodramatic and gloomy about the future. But as i said to him the worst bit is how easily the deception was to him... now i get why he seemed welded to his phone, and why he has seemed to chirpy recently. That wasn't a sad and depressed man, forced to sex text a old friend. That was a man having an exciting virtual affair

Eekaman Mon 21-Apr-14 21:57:21

The old wives saying, 'the devil makes work for idle hands' is evident here. Things aren't going so great between you with a disconnect going on, so he came across a little excitement.

Q; is he willing to reconnect and stop the crap, if so, then give him the chance. It doesn't have to be a deal breaker by any means.

OscarWinningActress Mon 21-Apr-14 22:00:10

Ew. Absolutely 100% a deal-breaker. No matter the state of your marriage. Take care of You flowers.

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