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Is saying "I love you" very early always a red flag?

(50 Posts)
Minion100 Mon 21-Apr-14 16:54:00

I am dating someone new after a very painful marriage breakup and this guy seems to have it all. Attractive, funny, kind, interesting and successful. He's 40 and seems to have a healthy relationship history other than that he has never married. He was engaged but that didn't work out.

The trouble is he came out with "I love you" last night after seeing each other for only about 3 weeks. I did ask him how he could possibly say that so early on and he gave me a very sweet and romantic speech about how he feels.

Which at the time seemed great but I feel a bit confused now. Should I be running for the hills?

I am also not over my stbXH. I feel very guilty too if he does feel this way but at the same time being with him makes me happy.

I am not sure about this...can anyone advise if this is always something to worry about?

Nocomet Mon 21-Apr-14 16:58:10

After 25 years with someone whom I exchanged I loves yous with on our second date, I have to say no.

But I guess if your not 20 and your still sorting out a previous marrige it's a different srory.

croquet Mon 21-Apr-14 16:59:27

Agree, not always a red flag!

LadySybilVimes Mon 21-Apr-14 17:00:11

It didn't cause an issue with us. He said he loved me 2 weeks in. We've now been together 17 years. He is kind, patient, encouraging and loving. I think it is only a red flag if other worrying things accompany it.

LavenderGreen14 Mon 21-Apr-14 17:02:01

I wonder if the red flag is you not being ready - how long have you been single?

Andcake Mon 21-Apr-14 17:02:56

Not always- but can you believe someone who says it so quickly. They don't know you. Love means more when they love you faults and all after you've stopped showing your best bits

morethanpotatoprints Mon 21-Apr-14 17:05:58

Nocomet grin

You beat me to it.
Me and dh together 25 years married 22, both said it and meant it on second date.

Sometimes you just know, especially if you have had your heart broken before.
It can be a red flag but if you are taking it slowly what does it matter?
If there become lots of other concerns or niggles, maybe ask yourself about the red flag again.

teaandthorazine Mon 21-Apr-14 17:07:11

No, not always a red flag (though I agree with andcake that's it's not really 'in love' at this stage, it's strong feelings for which 'love' is an easy shorthand). However, if you still have feelings for your XH then it's probably moving too fast for you...

CogitoEggySometimes Mon 21-Apr-14 17:07:41

It's all about how you feel, not so much what he says. If 'I love you' makes you feel obligated, unsettled, rushed, pressurised, suffocated ... if you think you are being manipulated into sticking around, moving in together, going against your better judgement or behaving in a particular way with 'I love you' ... then it's a problem. If you feel none of those things and nothing has materially changed then it may not be a problem.

Twinklestein Mon 21-Apr-14 17:09:43

It really depends on the context. Some people do meet and click straight away, and some people are crap at relationships - they rush in, panic and disappear, or rush in and attempt to control you.

You aren't going to know for a while which it is.

My husband said he loved me after about a month, I just ignored him...

HandragsNGladbags Mon 21-Apr-14 17:09:52

Dh said it about three weeks in. Me being cautious by nature replied with 'and I think I'm falling in love with you' to which dh replied 'yeah you're probably right. That's what I meant' and promptly nodded off shockgrin

Not always a worry

Minion100 Mon 21-Apr-14 17:20:15

I don't think there are any other red flags coming off of him, except for the fact that he seems to be bending over backwards to win me which always makes me wonder "why?" because my self esteem isn't at it's best right now with the divorce looming.

Yes, I still have very strong feelings for my stbXH, but there is no chance at all of reconciliation on that front so when someone I found attractive and had a connection with asked me out I thought "why not?". I ever expected it to be anything beyond a few dates.

Admittedly he's put the spring back in my step and I am finding myself smiling all the time. I really like him and enjoy being with him and something about him makes me feel very safe, happy, comfortable and it's almost like I have known him forever.

His "I love you" didn't make me feel bad, but more like the fun and simple nature of our relationship has been altered very suddenly and I felt worried it was a red flag as well as guilty for my feelings about my ex.

Is there something wrong with still having feelings for an ex? Is it wrong to date someone else if you still feel that way?

LavenderGreen14 Mon 21-Apr-14 17:28:03

I don't know if you are ready at all. How long have you been separated?

Minion100 Mon 21-Apr-14 17:28:20

Well the context was that we were sitting there watching TV and I was dozing on his shoulder and he kissed my forehead and said "I love you" and then I bolted up and said "what? How can you possibly meant that, you have only known me a few weeks?"

He said that he did understand that it was ridiculously soon but that he felt it and had been stopping himself saying it for a few days because he knew it sounded foolish but he wanted to say it because he thought I should know. He then said that when he wasn't with me all he did was think about me, and that when he was with me all he wanted to do was touch me and then he said I was lovely and beautiful and it went on in a sort of bumbling Hugh Grant style mess than was really endearing by the end of it.

I didn't say it back, which was awkward...but I couldn't lie. I do think I have the potential to because he's a really amazing guy and I prefer being with him to not being with him and actually miss him when he's not there.

It's true though that if I could rewind time a year and have my marriage back I would still want that. I can't help it sad

Minion100 Mon 21-Apr-14 17:30:21

Lavender...a year if you count it from the day we separated and six months if you count it from the minute we agreed to divorce.

A divorce was not what I wanted though sad

I just thought it was silly to not date people seeing as the marriage is definitely over. I never expected to actually like someone or for them to like me.

LavenderGreen14 Mon 21-Apr-14 17:32:23

I don't think a year is that long really - especially if your feelings haven't changed and the split was not what you wanted.

Minion100 Mon 21-Apr-14 17:34:19

My feelings have changed in the sense that before I was determined to save my marriage and I have now completely given up. But I do find myself suddenly crying out of nowhere and I still think about him a lot.

I can't imagine that ever changing though!

teaandthorazine Mon 21-Apr-14 17:34:25

From what you have said it doesn't sound as if you are ready for this new relationship.

Minion100 Mon 21-Apr-14 17:41:18

Yes I am not sure I am but (being selfish) he makes me feel happier :/

LavenderGreen14 Mon 21-Apr-14 17:41:53

I am 3 years single and only v tentatively dating. I think you are not at all ready. Cliche I know but you need to be happy alone before venturing into anything new. And the spontaneous tears do stop, but it takes time. Otherwise a new relationship risks being a sticking plaster.

CogitoEggySometimes Mon 21-Apr-14 17:42:45

I think it would be kind to tell the guy that you're not ready for love or a new relationship. If he's falling for you and you can't see yourself reciprocating, it wouldn't be right to give him false hopes

Minion100 Mon 21-Apr-14 17:48:16

Urgh, I know you are right there which I think is what was making me uncomfortable. I have been well aware that for me he might be a sticking plaster. It's not very easy to know my own feelings as they seem to very very mixed up. I have been telling myself that not being over one perosn does not necessarily mean a new relationship can't work out.

CogitoEggySometimes Mon 21-Apr-14 17:54:39

A new relationship can help you get over a previous one but only if everyone's on the same page. Not one feeling a bit 50/50 while the other falls head over heels. If he was just some casual fling that you could enjoy in the moment, maybe it would be OK. But if he's a heart on sleeve type you might as well break it now than a few months down the track when he's really got his hopes up

Minion100 Mon 21-Apr-14 18:21:18

Do you think it would be all right if I told him honestly how I actually felt and let him decide for himself with the facts at hand?

Twinklestein Mon 21-Apr-14 18:24:15

If he has any commitment issues, which he may have being single at 40, it may be precisely because he knows are still in love with your ex that he feels ok to tell you he loves you...

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