WWYD

[Helpwithmyishooos]

Firstly, sorry for the name change. I am a very regular, mostly lurker, MN'er, but my nickname is quite identifiable and some family know I am on here. I wonder if you could please help me to try and help my sister?

I took a telephone call from my younger sister (lets call her A) around 2 weeks ago, and she seemed a bit quiet. I asked if there was anything wrong, and she said 'I have something I need to tell you. I don't think you are going to like this...' She explained that she has started a relationship with a man who works with her. He is 28, she is 19. He has recently split with his long term partner, who he has a young child with. I do not know if she is the cause of this man leaving his partner. When she first started working with him, he was very flirty and touchy feely. She actually had him reprimanded for this and he got into quite a bit of trouble for it. She has worked with him for some time and is aware that he has had affairs whilst in his previous relationship.

He doesn't sound like much of a charmer does he? But I left this to one side and figured, everyone has a past. I do not know him, have never met him and didn't want to judge too prematurely, so advised as best I could. Explained that she should under no circumstances push his ex partners face into it, leave FB well alone - even if she isn't friends with her directly, she might know some of her friends. The ex would be going through hell if the break up was recent, and the most important thing in all of this was the child. She agreed and said she plans on keeping this very low key for some time.

As I live a fair way from my hometown, I have not met this guy. My mother and sisters have. All have reported back a bolshy personality and quite cocky. He is a body builder, apparently massive. There have been a few things my family have said that have come across as red flags to me. The time he called my mums choice of reading material 'a pile of shite, you should just go to the gym' and other choice comments which I just don't feel are the kind of things you say to people you are trying to win around as the new boyfriend. Most recently, he cuddled sister B in quite a long embrace which made her feel quite scared as he is so big. He then said in a whisper in her ear, 'don't worry B, I don't think of you in that way...'

Everyone is a little weirded out by it all, and A feels everyone 'has it in for him' at the moment. I don't want her to think this way, and was hoping to try and speak to her about his behaviour and try to get her to understand how others feel? We have always been very close and speak regularly. Being away from home is really hard, and I just want everyone to be happy. Right now it seems no one is!

So I guess I just want some advice in how to deal with this without making A feel more ostracised than she already feels, and make her see sense that this guy is being quite offensive and down right strange to B.

Wow, that seems like a very long post! Thank you for getting this far and I would really appreciate any advice you could pass on. Just nipping out for a take out - but will pop back soon.

[Wigglebummunch]

He sounds like a bit of a cock but you just need to stay out of it. It's your sisters life not yours.

[CookieDoughKid]

If it was my sister I'd tell her my issues with him backed up with justification. I'd talk it over with her and let her know that I'm not judging her, just that we are uncomfortable. Could she help and what would she suggest we can ALL do to get along. I do have a very open and well kind relationship with my sister and we have always respected each other's opinions. Your sister might be totally different and take it the wrong way. If that might be the case, then suggest to keep your distance from him as much as possible. If he's that much of an ass I'm sure she'd realise sooner rather than later!!

[RRRJ83]

It does read as though you do have it in for him a bit. Main reasons I think this is because you start by discussing his past, mentioning all the not so"charming" things he's done, and then saying everyone has a past. If you're not going to judge him on his past, don't lead your post with it.

He sounds like he doesn't read your family right but the most important thing is how he treats your sister. If he does right by her it's irrelevant.

Maybe tell her to ask him to cool off the overfriendly hugs, as it makes her uncomfortable. She should be able to tell him to stop and he respect that.

I think you need to honestly give him a chance and respect your sisters choice. Don't get involved in family gossip about him and be there for her. If you think he's going to do wrong by her she needs someone to go to who won't judge their relationship.

[JaceyBee]

Fuck me he sounds like a massive twat! I may be biased though as I can't generally stand book-hating meathead body builder types!

Keep speaking to A and try not to make her feel you are judging him (although of course you are, so am I he sounds unbearable!)

Ask the right questions so that it seems she is coming to her own conclusions, such as 'Is there anything you can think if about how he behaved that may have made B uncomfortable?' rather than telling her outright iykwim.

[Helpwithmyishooos]

I honestly didn't mean to come across as 'having it in for him' in my original post, I just wanted people to know what I know and base their advice on that. When she first told me of the relationship I knew of his previous behaviour and didn't want to judge.

Unfortunately, since then, he has behaved rather twattishly. I remember my sister first starting work and not liking him at all. It's hard to get rid of those negative thoughts when it is all you have heard previously. Now all the family seem to have given the impression that he is a mega douche on top of this.

I agree with the gentle approach and asking open questions rather than raging at her. I get the impression that the rest of the family have come down hard on this as they can be very blunt when verbalising any disapproval.

My mum is finishing work shortly, and has text me to call her. I am hoping there isn't more to come, as this isn't the norm

Thank you all for your advice xx

[andyfromotley]

i'd mind my own beeswax.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Hi op

If he is a body builder and is quite Bolshy and cocky I would make your sister aware of the possibility of steroid use? This can have really bad effects on someone's personality especially anger issues, and if he is already a bit of a character shall we say, then this would be amplified by their use.

I think a calm conversation might be in order just to take care of her self and that you and family will always be there, otherwise red flags waving like the opening of a fete to be honest.

[Helpwithmyishooos]

I think some people need to remember that the person I am talking about is my sister, and she is only just 19. I am not trying to be an interfering nosey person. I have no intention of sticking my nose in and telling her what to do at all, I was hoping for some advice on how to handle the situation. Some people suggest not doing anything at all when I am genuinely concerned and worried at what she has gotten herself into?

Guilty - I am worried about the body builder thing.

I spoke with my mum earlier and she was telling me about when he came around for dinner yesterday. He was sat at the table telling everyone in great detail how he has a massive anxiety complex and that he worries what people think of him? He went on to tell my sister that he will 'pray for her' because her 'language had been disgusting' - she said shit when she picked up a tray that was too hot to handle. What sort of person who has only known this group of people, bar A, for a matter of a couple of weeks, speaks like that? It wasn't related to what they were talking about he just blurted it out.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Hi op

Psychological effects

Misusing anabolic steroids can also cause the following psychological or emotional effects:
aggressive behaviour
mood swings
manic behaviour
hallucinations and delusions

The above is from the NHS website might I suggest and I know this is out there but isn't there some sort of scheme where you can ask the police for any background information regarding domestic a use on the past or violent behaviour ?

This really isn't looking good to be honest I'm sorry

[Helpwithmyishooos]

Thanks Guilty. I think I might read up on this just so I have some facts in my head and a better understanding. I am in no way saying I think he is using these, but these things just don't add up and it's making me feel ill with worry.

I just spoke to B, she confessed that she didn't tell my mum the whole story about the 'hug.' He whispered in her ear, 'Don't worry B, I wont get a hard on because you aren't my type.' It wasn't a hug either. She was laid on the sofa and he got on top of her and put his arms around her.

I don't think anyone should ever doubt their gut instinct.

[Guiltypleasures001]

I'm sorry lovely

He has no boundaries and sounds quite predatory and I will also say dangerous, if your sis does end it with him, I have suspicions that he won't take that well either.

Ide want a word with a friendly police officer about him, also google his name and see if anything comes up.

[Helpwithmyishooos]

A good idea Guilty. Thank you to all for your time in posting.

Will see if I can arrange a trip home to speak properly with A.

[MyLatest]

He sounds horrendous. All you can do is tell your sister that you love her but that you have major concerns about this man and explain why. She may well leap to his defence but I would certainly tell her what sis B said he did / said. That would have made me run a mile.

[JaceyBee]

I think the scheme GP is referring to is called Claire's law - had some training on it recently. If you're a concerned friend or relative I think you would qualify, bear in mind it's probably only convictions though, maybe not all intel?

The steroid thing would worry me too, he definitely sounds a little unhinged and it would certainly add up.

[Helpwithmyishooos]

I am having great difficulty in keeping calm and rational at the moment. An update....

My mum has found syringes and a box of Tamoxifen in A's bedroom. He has been injecting steroids in my mums house - and asked A - AND B - to inject him in the ass.

A is acting very nonchalant and unfazed by this, and I am at breaking point. I just want to scream at her to get away from him, he is not good for you, but I feel like if I do that I am exactly the same as the rest of the family and she wont open up to me. Just want to pull me hair out in frustration, she would never have had this reaction pre him. She would have been pretty disgusted as she does not condone drug use - but it seems this is acceptable because it is 'him.'

How can I stay calm? Please help me, I just want to rush home and cuddle her

[Guiltypleasures001]

Your sister is legally and adult there for there is little you can do to stop her seeing him.

I would,suggest you point her in the direction to some info on steroid use and their side effects, but more importantly I think you need some support yourself in how to handle your frustrations and anger.

Truly it's down to your parents to make sure that he either isn't allowed in the house or that there is no drug taking going on or left around to be found. As hard as it is you can only be there for when it goes tits up and it will eventually.

Tamoxifen is quite prevalent with some users because it negates them growing breast tissue when using, but it has seriously dangerous side effects.

You trying to pull them apart might force her in to his arms even more, this you need to avoid, try not to give their new found love an audience as that then will take the shine of of it for her.

Look in to some support for yourself and just be there for when she's gonna need you. Make sure your as clued up as possible on his drug of choice and side effects, as pre warned is forearmed.

[MyLatest]

He needs to be banned from their house. I'm sorry to say this but sis A is an adult. Sis B is a child and is being exposed to some completely inappropriate stuff. How old is sis B? This could become a child protection issue for outside agencies depending on how old she is.

Your parents need to take action. It's a horrible situation and if this world was just he would drop dead at the side of the road somewhere. But until your sister sees reason the rest of the family has to be self-protective too.

[MyLatest]

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but we have some experience of this situation through family. There has to be a line in the sand which can't be crossed. There are red flags a mile wide all over this guy.

[Deathraystare]

If sis B is younger, she should never be left alone with him.

[winkywinkola]

Yikes. Judge on. He sounds likes nightmare suddenly in your family's lives. I'm not surprised you're worried.

Is your sister A really that into him?

And sister B really needs protecting. As do your parents.

Does A know what he did to B?

I think he's setting the tone of "I'm showing you I can do what the hell I like even in your home." His sheer bulk makes him intimidating never mind his attitude.